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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-07-30 18:02:00.

I am not the original poster. The original post by u/Throwawayadvice236 in r/AmItheAsshole.

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: depression, mental health struggles

mood spoilers: relationship strain, emotional turmoil, eventual improvement

 

AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy? - Mon, July 20, 2020

I(29) have always supported my girlfriend (23). We have been together for four years now, and lived together for one.

She has always had anxiety, as well as depression where some months are worse than others. I have supported her through all of this, and understand it is very hard for her.

In January she lost her job due to the current world circumstances. By march she hit a low point with not eating as much, crying, irritability - typical traits of depression. I have comforted her as much as possible, and taken care of everything.

However, at the beginning of June I was allowed back to work, and since the house has fallen to shambles. I am too tired by the time I come home to do anything, even cook. Most nights we order take out, and on the rare occasion she makes food.

The floors aren’t being washed, hoovering isn’t being done, laundry is a mountain, and dishes are everywhere. I try keep on top of it, but with work it is almost impossible.

She is home… all day. She lies in bed till late afternoon, watches Netflix, eats bowls of cereal, and naps. That’s about it.

I’ve tried to gently coax her to do more, and she says she will get to it but never does. I finally snapped, told her I was sick of her doing nothing all day and leaving the housework to me. That if she is here and I am working, she needs to be pulling her weight.

She got upset, and said that she wants to but she can never find the motivation . That she is tired all the time.

I said I understood she was depressed, but it isn’t an excuse to do nothing and be lazy. No one likes housework, but I won’t take any more excuses about it. She needs to start doing it or leave.

Next day I come home to a clean house and a note from her saying she was sorry, and is going to stay with her mother (her mom helped her clean before they left). I tried calling but she wouldn’t pick up. When I rang the house, her mother answered and had a lot to say.

She was furious. Telling me about how she is struggling and I am making her worse. That I should be supporting her not ignoring that she is in a bad place. And so on. I was told my gf had been crying all day in her bedroom, and I feel awful. I never wanted to hurt her, I just snapped. I tried to get her mother to give my gf the phone but she wouldn’t speak to me.

It feels like a lose - lose situation. On one hand I know depression results in lack of motivation and cleanliness. And on the other I can’t stand to see our home in such chaos.

I’ve never had depression so I can’t say for sure how bad it truly is. That’s why I find it more difficult to 100% empathise.

AITA for telling her depression isn’t an excuse?

Judgement - No A-holes here

Extra info:

  • She has a therapist and talks regularly with them
  • Her depression is worse since losing her job. Usually she is quite clean and tidy. We don’t usually have this issue.
  • She is looking for a job despite depression etc. I have enough money to support us both in the mean time.

Advice for OOP in the comments

Opposite-Sock

Coming out of lurker mode for this one. Gentle YTA. I’m sure you mean well, but depression is hard to understand and can be all-consuming for those experiencing it. When I’m in a bad depressive episode, it can be hard to just get out of bed to brush my teeth because even that feels overwhelming. If there are 5 things to clean, I can’t figure out where to start and feel like I’ll fail if I don’t do everything so nothing gets done. It’s awful and feels very shameful and lonely. Now she is probably feeling judged by you and doubling down on that horrible internal shame.

It’s easier to keep up with tasks than to tackle everything at once. Mess feeds depression. Maybe you could try cleaning together. Having a tidier space will help her have a clearer mind, and keep up with it better. That’s my experience anyway.

And I fully support gently encouraging her to talk to a medical doctor, preferably a psychiatrist about medication. Talk therapy alone doesn’t do it for some people, myself included. It sounds like her therapist isn’t great but switching therapist can be really daunting and traumatic, so if she trusts them, it might not be the best first move right now.

For you, I highly suggest reading some Allie Brosh. She has some of the most real and relatable writing on depression. Start with Depression Part 2. I’ve sent this to many people as a way to understand a bit of what it is like. It sounds like you want what’s best for her. But try to educate yourself on what depression really feels like, not just how you can fix her. I hope she finds her shriveled piece of corn soon.

 

UPDATE: AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy? - Sat, Aug 29, 2020

Ultimately I realise that the majority of the blame was mine. I never EVER should have called her lazy because that isn’t what she is. I lashed out and I shouldn’t have.

She stayed at her mothers for a few days, and we eventually met up to talk. I told her how it just got too much for me, but it was no excuse for lashing out and I apologised. She apologised also, not that she needed to, and we talked for a long while about how we can make our relationship work.

I expressed my concerns over her therapist who is very against anything other than talking therapy. She agreed that he didn’t seem to really have her best interests at heart and she is currently looking for someone new.

For now, I suggested she stops looking for work. She got a lot of rejections and I could see it was upsetting her more. I just felt we should take a step back from that and I want her to focus a little more on herself. She was unsure as she felt bad that I would be working for both of us, but I assured her it is fine. (I make enough to support us both quite comfortably). I also suggested maybe she could volunteer at some point just to get her out and get some more stuff on her resume. I’m no therapist so these were just suggestions, but it has seemed to have taken some of the pressure off her which is all I wanted.

We agreed that being in the apartment all day alone and in bed is not good for her. So, we came up with a plan that she do an exercise video 3 times a week (it’s only a 10 minute one), just so she is doing something. She has found she likes doing them, they make her feel a bit better after, and has started something called Yin Yoga now too.

To help me, she has ONE chore a day to do. I don’t care what it is. It could be dishes or it could just be putting the laundry in the hamper. This rule has at least gotten her out of bed for part of the day and she’s found that once she starts she sometimes ends up doing more than one thing. I make sure to show my appreciation for whatever she has done, no matter how small it was.

We have set out that every Sunday we will have a deep cleaning day where we get everything done for the week. This has been surprisingly successful. We make it fun and just mess around while still getting things done. It makes the week a lot more manageable when we only have light chores to keep on top of.

She is trying more, and I am also working on being more supportive about her depression. I’m researching it more, and learning ways I can help her because it is a part of her. We are both putting more effort in and communicating a lot better.

I hope we keep making progress because I do love her very much and want us to work.

 

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