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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/DiarrheaEryday on 2023-07-31 16:29:09.

An opportunity has arisen for my wife to go to the beach for a week in October with her friend. She asked if I was ok with her going, to which I originally responded (honestly) that I was not ok with it.

We have a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Daycare opens at 6:30am, which is also when I need to be at work. So my wife usually drops them off, and I’ll pick them up after work since I get off earlier than she does. She works one full time job, that has allowed her to work 2 days from home each week because of our infant, and then has weekends off. I work a full time job during the week, and a part time job on the weekend. (So effectively I have no days off. )

My wife gets up in the mornings and gets the kids ready, and usually gets up with the baby at night as well, as she gets more days off/ at home. Were she to take vacation, this would of course all fall on me. I could probably manage to be late to work all week without issue, as long as I stayed later to make up for it.

I told her I was uncomfortable with her leaving for so long. I understand needing a break from the kids, but there’s a difference between me watching them for a day so she can relax and her straight up taking a whole spring break. Not to mention, she also has a 3 day work trip at the end of this month that will put us in the same scenario. It’s a lot for one person, and originally, I did not want children. Granted, I love them more than anything now, but ultimately, I feel like this is the life she chose for herself and she knew what she was getting herself into. I don’t want to deny her the opportunity per se, but I don’t know of many mothers who leave for that long by themselves with such a young one at home, and I feel like she’s being a little entitled.

She responded that she’s not being entitled because she’s just asking me to do what she does every day. She feels like I’m telling her that she can be a mother and nothing else. I don’t think this is true, I think I’m just asking her to be a mother FIRST. I know she does a lot as a mother, and I appreciate it greatly, but admittedly I do not feel like I’m capable of doing what she does every day. I do not get the days off/ home that she does, and I honestly don’t have the patience I should with the infant.

After much back and forth, I begrudgingly told her that she could go and that I would just figure it out, and if I absolutely had to, I would take PTO from work to make sure the kids are taken care of. She said not to worry about it, she just won’t go. I don’t want her to be bitter about it, because I completely understand needing a vacation, especially from kids/ family, and have offered alternatives, like watching them for a weekend so she can do as she pleases, to which she was not very receptive. Am I the asshole ?

Edit: people seem to be hung up on the “this is the life she chose for herself” part. I do not say this to say that she deserves more of the burden of parenting. A lot of assumptions suggest that I do not parent while she slaves away. I feed and bathe and father my kids as well. It is a team effort, but taking over her share while working 60 hours a week is overwhelming af. When i say she chose this for herself, I mean that getting things her way on her own time becomes much less reasonable, and i feel like she refuses to accept this, or is largely unwilling to compromise when it comes to giving up things she wants.