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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/throwRAmelie on 2023-07-31 22:50:22.
This is a long and sad story. I’ll try to resume the facts.
2009: I, Bella (23F at the time), got married to Fred (27M att).
2010: My mother Lisa (50F att) got divorced from my dad.
2012: Fred asked for the divorce with our daughter being only 3 months old.
It was a difficult time, and I went to my mother for help. It was broken inside and thank god I had a support network to help me. My mother, however, was very distant and decided to move to another town some months after my divorce.
Life was already hard enough when I received the shocking news: Lisa (53F att) was dating my ex-husband, and father of my daughter, Fred (31M att). I was so hurt that I almost klm. The whole family was shocked, and everybody stopped talking with Lisa. It was a crazy time for me. I didn’t know what to do.
Time has passed, I got married again, I had another daughter, my life went fine, but I can’t lie that I was different, I don’t trust anybody anymore, I am always waiting for the worst, I still needs sleeping pills.
2021: I am happily married with 2 daughters, a nice family, living my life when I was informed that Fred (39M att), who was the worst father ever, I think he saw my daughter 3 times since the divorce, had died. I was indifferent to that, and my daughter felt the same way because they didn’t have a relationship at all.
Well, the whole process with inheritance and everything was a mess because Lisa was making things difficult like trying to hide some of the things he had to not share with my daughter, his only daughter. After a lot of work, everything was settled, but I know that she said to people that I took advantage of the fact of some of her things being in his name to take a part of it.
2023: My young sister Gabi (31F) started talking about how much Lisa changed since Fred died, that she was regretting her choices and that she wanted a chance of making things right. I am totally sceptical and every time she starts talking about that, we fight. I don’t want to have a relationship with Lisa and if she’s feeling bed, fine, that’s on her, I don’t need to forgive her and to build a new relationship with her.
Last weekend Gabi told me that she wants to invite Lisa to my nephew birthday party, and I said that it’s fine, but I am not going or sending my daughters or mostly, my husband since she tends to go after then. Gabi is annoyed at me and keeps trying to convince me that I should give a new chance to Lisa.
On the other side Gabi is insisting a lot and some people thinks that I am being cruel because I have my family, my life is fine, and Lisa is lonely now that Fred died. I don’t care, she can be lonely as she wants. Am I the asshole here? Am I being evil?
tl;dr: my mother Lisa (63F) had a more than 3 years affair with my husband before he divorced me and went to live with her. Now, after more than 10 years, he’s dead and she wants me to forgive her. My sister and other family members are insisting for me to give her a chance. I don’t want to.
edit: some mistakes and a name
You shouldn’t forgive unless you actually feel it. You should definitely work toward feeling it, because the readiness to forgive is an indicator of having resolved the trauma. It’s no the goal itself, but it’s the final stage in a process whereby you can get rid of the muck the experience has injected into your soul.
But forgiving her doesn’t mean you need to make a new relationship. It just means you’re ready to let go of the resentment.
Basically forgiveness is a decision you’re not going to retaliate or expect anything from her. As long as the hurt is alive, your soul will be crying out to fight, to hurt the person back. You might hold back, because you’re civilized, but that’s the basic draw. Even if it’s only guilt, you want that person to suffer for hurting you.
When you no longer need them to suffer, that’s forgiveness. And unless you actually turn it into action, the ill burning feeling of resentment is only a poison. It’s like forgiving a loan. It’s the same thing. You decide to just cancel the debt, write off what they owed you, and walk away.
In fact, not wanting to have anything to do with a person ever again, is one of the best reasons to forgive them.
