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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-30 04:00:43+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Sunflower971. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. The latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: just kind of sad

Original Post: July 21, 2024

I (55F) met my friends stepdaughter to be (14) yesterday. I introduced myself and told her it was nice to meet her. I had heard she was amazing by multiple people and I was looking forward to meeting her. She ignored me and didn’t answer. I thought maybe she didn’t hear me so I repeated. She put in earbuds to emphasize she’s ignoring me and she walked off. She’s deliberately being rude and apparently doesn’t care to meet me. Not my future stepdaughter, she doesn’t have to like me, her choice. I chose not to be part of the drama and left it be.

We all went out to dinner as planned. There were 9 of us total and I unfortunately ended up seated next to her at the table. Wonderful dinner aside from her ignoring everyone equally.

Anyway, I asked her to please pass the ketchup when she was done using it. She ignored me and set it just out of my reach after she used it. I asked again, no reaction. So I reached over her to get it. She started yelling at me for getting in her personal space! I told her that I’d asked her twice and she had ignored me both times. I’d kind of had it at that point. I then added that next time to simply pass the ketchup or don’t be upset when someone reaches for it. She went into complete meltdown mode.

Now apparently to some, I’m the bad guy here as she’s a child. A few others thought I handled it well. So AITA here or is my friends future stepdaughter a mess? I’m literally posting on AITA over a ketchup incident. If you were wondering, she is not on the spectrum, I am. Why I’m asking. Thank you!

(Edit for clarification: I wasn’t clear about the 9 of us that were out to dinner. It was a combination of adults AND teenagers. Adults at one table, teens at connecting table. Adults sat first, kids filled in. She was the last seated.)

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: […]What did your friend say/do ? If the SD acts like this towards her too, that marriage is doomed before it stars.

OOP: My friend pretty much froze, she wasn’t aware of the issue earlier, just heard her meltdown. She adores this girl, I don’t want to cause an issue between them! I didn’t really put my friend on the spot.

Asking someone else to pass:

I was annoyed from earlier but let it go. Had she not been rude earlier I likely would have gotten the ketchup anyway. Seating arrangement meant no one else able to pass it.

Commenter: NTA. What is her problem with you? She seems like a brat

OOP: No clue, my friends are much younger than I am. Maybe she doesn’t like grandmothers???

Commenter: She relishes the drama.

OOP: Lightbulb: You are so right! I literally didn’t think of it like that but you are so right. She went from invisible to being the center of attention. Bingo!

Commenter: Exactly - she was invisible! Last to be seated. But I doubt that these are her main worries at the moment.

A 14 yr old soon to be step-daughter! For this not to be a minefield would be strange. You are a friend of her soon to be stepmother., meeting her for the first time.

What does it mean to say you had heard that ‘she was amazing’? To me it seems ingratiating and patronising.

I say mild Y T A because you seem completely unaware of how this poor child may be feeling.

OOP: Oh I get it’s a minefield now, just didn’t realize there were live mines no one knew were there.

Re: My comment about saying I heard she was amazing? You aren’t the first to question it. It wasn’t meant in any way other than a statement of fact. I’ve heard great things about her from her soon to be stepsisters.

She may have felt invisible, but I don’t know why she would? Maybe you are right and I am clueless. She was at dinner with members of her family and my friend and her teens. I tagged along at my friends invite. Tks for the input.

Commenter: don’t take it personally, it’s 100% not personal. and don’t judge her too harshly, she’s probably in a very confused period of her life.

OOP: Thank you, I don’t. As far as judging her harshly, I intend on ignoring her in the future. If she approaches me at a later date, I’ll be kind.

I see a lot of your comments got down voted. Wasn’t by me. It seems you have a kind heart and perhaps are looking at her through different understanding eyes. I’m on the spectrum, thus I don’t mind criticism when I’m wrong. Nor do I mind differences of opinion. Why the post asking. Glad most people NTA. Not looking for approval, just that I acted accordingly. She most definitely is in a confused state right now. Personally not a fan but not worth holding a grudge either. Tks!

To a downvoted comment:

I posted as I was asking, not looking for confirmation I was right. You are definitely correct in that the incident made things difficult for my friend. I regret that.

I don’t really think her behavior had anything at all to do with me. Her dad is marrying my friend and she may not be as comfortable with that as she has been acting.

Now if a family friend introduces themselved to you and you ignore them twice, I stand my ground by stating the action is deliberately rude. Especially when she put in earbuds to make a point of it. Not saying she is rude, the action is deliberate and it is rude. I didn’t harp on it or correct her. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone (other than here). What I did was take the ketchup from the table after she used it. If someone had reached over me to get the bottle? Wouldn’t have bothered me at all, it’s kind of normal in my circle. Yes, I could have asked someone seated on the other side of her to pass it. It didn’t seem logical, simple as that.

Commenter: NTA. She was being deliberately rude,.or else possibly on the spectrum.

I have to wonder: What was the meltdown about?

OOP: That her space was violated. I did reach to get the ketchup but did not touch her.

The more comments I read, the more I’m realizing the meltdown definitely wasn’t about ketchup. I truly hope the family works everything out. A lot from behind the scenes coming out.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: July 23, 2024 (2 days later)

Thank you for your comments, it put a lot of different perspective on things. I debated what to say to my friend and her fiance about what happened. Posting this here and laying this to rest.

A few things for clarification, I’m a grandmother. There was no more to the story on my end, a lot more on hers. I walked into an unknown minefield.

My friend called me a few ago to apologize. There was a huge blowup that night when they got back home. I had driven separately to the restaurant. My friends fiance handled the situation. He asked her to explain what happened in her words, apparently he had overheard me ask her for the ketchup before she exploded.

She explained that I am a “Boomer bitch”. She hates that she will have to share a bedroom. She hates her dad is getting remarried. She hates the dress she has to wear at the wedding. She hates that everyone except her loves her stepmother to be. She hates her stepsisters are prettier. She hates everything. Her dad explained that he loves her but he also loves my friend and that the wedding is happening.

My friend ended with that. No clue what their next move is but I’m out of it, not my place. I don’t know if she’d been showing signs prior that no one noticed? I feel for her, I do. I feel for all of them. My friend and her daughters are like family to me. Her fiance is a good man too. I had been told the stepdaughter really was a great kid, why I’m wondering if this was her first outburst. I truly hope her stepsisters didn’t hear some bad things she had to say about them. I don’t care what she thinks of me. I do care that they all have a lot to deal with before October.

I’ll avoid her in the future. If she needs to have a villain in her story to cope? Fine. But dang, just pass the ketchup.

Boomer bitch over and out.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Oh dear. I’m unsure how great Dad is if he is still willing to go through with the wedding after seeing how it affects his daughter. Also making her share a bedroom is not on. I’m questioning why you didn’t speak with them about this or at least refer them to therapy.

OOP: They’ve been dating for several years, engaged for about a year and a half. My friend is heartbroken and has the girls best interest at heart. She will do the right thing and I do expect therapy is already on the table. Regarding the shared bedroom, the oldest girl (17) was to get the solo bedroom and the two 14 year olds were to share. This likely will change.

Commenter: Your friend’s fiancé might be a good partner but not a good that. His daughter is miserable but the wedding …

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