This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/MaleficentAnalysis44 on 2023-08-02 20:22:41.

My ex husband, “Adam” has a brother, “Larry”. During our marriage, Larry was the BIL from hell. Constantly boundary stomping, picking at people until they got upset and then gaslighting them, etc. He grew to dislike me as I was one of the few to call him on his shit and tell him to stop. I kept telling Adam we should go low/!no contact and he refused. Larry then began shit talking time me to everyone. Adam never stood up for me, despite several conversations.

Unfortunately , my daughter (then 13, now 16) ended up hearing a lot of it and it really hurt her as we’re close. I did my best to keep my kids from Larry but my Adam continued to bring my kids around them. Due to this and many other factors, we divorced. I tried to fight in court that Adam couldn’t bring the kids around Larry and lost.

One day, Larry went too far shit talking me in front of my daughter (then 14) and she went off on him, defending me and calling him out for his bullying behavior. She later told her dad it was her or Larry and if he didn’t pick her, she’d never go over his house again (at the time, I had full custody as my kids were old enough to decide who to live with and picked me). They eventually compromised that my daughter wouldn’t have to be around Larry ever again, but Adam would continue to see him on his own. My daughter entered therapy shortly after and didn’t see Larry after that. With the help of her therapist, She finally told me that when I wasn’t around, Larry would bully her and instigate until she got upset, then her father would ground her or make her apologize. Adam was asked to join therapy and apologized. Adam and our daughter have since began seeing a therapist together to work on their relationship.

Well, Larry died last week of a heart attack. Adam is naturally devestated. The funeral was yesterday. My daughter refused to go. I told my daughter she didn’t have to go. My son (15) chose to and I respected that. I did make sure my daughter was positive she didn’t want to go, and she stood firm, taking several days to mull it over. We also had a discussion on sometimes we do things we don’t want to for those we care about which also lead to a great conversation on boundaries and I ultimately respected her choice. If it’s relevant, the funeral fell on my custody day.

Adam is pissed at me that I didn’t force my daughter to go. I said that given the circumstances, she shouldn’t have to go. Several members of Adam’s family have reached out and told me that I have enabled my daughter in “alienating Adam and Larry from each other” and have further allowed her to be disrespectful by allowing her to miss the funeral. AITA?