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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-02 12:44:18+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwalady_
I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years.
Original Post Nov 20, 2017
Throwaway because I want to keep this separate from my main account.
Wow. Okay, where to begin. We’ve been dating for 8 years. We met in high school, and have been together ever since. We’ve grown and changed with each other - miraculously - and our relationship has been amazing. We were always communicative to each other, always doted on one another, have inside-jokes that are years long, and have become so comfortable with who we are as a couple. Our relationship by all means is a wonderful one.
But, I guess I wouldn’t be posting here if it was so wonderful, would I.
As we’ve entered into adulthood, I started asking the bigger questions that I realized I wasn’t really getting answers on. He’s been against having kids, but I want kids. My biggest advice I received was to wait for his ‘real’ answer when we were older because I asked these questions after dating for 4 years. I asked him what he wanted to do with his future, where he saw himself career wise and what he was feeling about who he was as a person. If he was changing and growing. To be honest, whenever we speak about these things I always feel like. . .it gets really quiet, he becomes shorter with his words. A lot of "I don’t know"s. After asking questions many times, I get some answers once he’s thought about it. But this scenario has always been regular for us – I’m asking bigger questions, trying to get feedback, and he gives little answers and asks to think about them.
But we have always moved along. Next day, next season. We’re really happy with each other. We cuddle and watch Netflix TV shows, go to the ice rink, having romantic dinners and tell each other how much we adore one another. But those questions start to bother me. Why doesn’t he want to answer them? Why doesn’t he ask those about me? Is it necessarily bad that he doesn’t want to ask? I mean, we’re only in our 20s. But. . .We’ve been dating for 8 years. The toss and turn was agonizing. I felt like I was waiting for an answer for a question I asked years ago, regardless of the timeline. I felt more and more pressure to have them answered. . .because we’ve been talking about marriage.
When I would forget that those questions were so important to me, everything was hunky dory. We’d talk about where we would live, the animals we would have - and name them, the kinds of tv shows we’d watch on a weekly basis. I pushed the issues I had been feeling in my core back inside, because I figured ‘If I’m a patient girlfriend, a loving one, a supportive one, our relationship will get better. How long we’ve stayed together is testament to our ability to grow together. We’ve done it this long, why wouldn’t it continue happening?’
But it hasn’t. It really hasn’t guys. This last weekend something snapped.
We were looking for places to live. We had three appointments. I was looking around the apartment, looking at the kitchen, looking at our bedroom. When we kissed each other goodbye after a post-appointment cuddle/nap, and I went back home. . .I burst out crying in the car. I was sobbing. When I got home I called my mom, she came over, I was broken. Something died. Something straight up died.
I don’t know what’s going on. I think I need to break up with him. I don’t think this is the kind of change that I can ask of him. I don’t think asking him to change is fair. It’s not that I haven’t been patient, I have. He HAS been giving me his answer to all my questions, I just haven’t been happy with what they are. The silence, the skirting around the topic, the "I don’t know"s. I thought we could grow through any scenario, but moving in together put it all into perspective for me. I’m not ready to move in with this guy.
Earlier in the year, he told me he was alright with kids, with having them, too. After that conversation, such a huge flood of relief hit me that I think spurred this season of ignorance. He answered my biggest, big question, so I was happy. But the reality is setting in. Does he actually mean that? Did he say that to appease my asking? He has told me that I’m the best thing to happen to him, that he loves me and that I inspire him to be a better person, and that he’s happy he’s with me because he wouldn’t know how to date anyone else at this point since we’ve been together for so long.
I wish he had the motivation and drive and a goal for himself. I wish he thought about his future. I wish he was more excited about life, more positive about life. I wish he wasn’t so angry at people and himself. I wish he approached his problems readily and openly. I wish he was more emotionally available.
I wish I knew how to do this without destroying him, because I think it will. His family would all turn on him, I know it. We’ve been talking about marriage. We’re looking at places to live together. And I just imploded. I imploded.
My gut is telling me to do this, and it’s never been wrong. But how? How on earth do I do this?
tl;dr: My 8 year relationship fell apart in my heart over the weekend, and now I struggle with how to break up with my boyfriend when we’ve been talking about marriage and moving in together.
EDIT: Thank you everyone, so much, for your comments. All of them, I’ve read every one. I think after the initial hysteria and realization of what I was feeling, and putting it into written word, that I’ve come to realize what I’m truly feeling. I’ll post an update after this weekend when I talk with him, I’ll tell you how it goes.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
acuteamericium
Hi, what you wrote really impacted me and I would like to thank you for sharing that. I too have been feeling the same way as you in my own relationship, but I haven’t been able to process the words.
I don’t really have advice, I haven’t dealt with my situation but what I will say is this; It is possible to grow from here. You are young, your future is bright and you know what you want in life. You are too young to settle on the things that you will grow into. If you do breakup, it won’t be easy, but you sure as hell will make it through. There has been a quote that I has been ringing through my head the past couple days:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain.
I hope that you find what is best for you
OOP
I couldn’t even read that entire quote, I started tearing up. There are two sides to me, the side that is firm in her decision, understands she made it long ago, and was waiting for the other half of me to wake up. Then the other side, is the side that loves him, loves what we are, loves who he is and is blissfully ignorant.
Thank you for your encouragement. There is growth that can come from this. I don’t want to settle, I don’t want to be unhappy. I just thought it was him, for the longest time. And now it’s not.
I’ll be okay, but holy shit this is going to hurt. And I’m the one who’s doing it. To him, his family, our friends. 8 years builds a huge network, and I’ll be shutting part of it down. I’ll recover, I know people will be okay and I’ll be okay, but causing hurt is just not what I do. But I can do it if it’s for myself.
~
jolie178923-15423435
“I wish he wasn’t so angry at people and himself.”
There’s something here. What is he angry about?
OOP
He gets angry at people online, angry at bad drivers on the road. He gets angry when he’s competitive, he gets angry when things don’t happen like they should. I’ve told him he needs to see someone about it but he hates therapists. He has a lot of resentment in his heart. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s bad, it’s awful. He’s never violent, but he raises his voice, curses, and flips things over sometimes (like controllers or folders). I’ve never felt alright about it.
Whenever he would start doing that stuff to me I would put my foot down and let him know very clearly he is never to treat me that way. It’s the single thing I’ve been unrelenting and strong about. He promised me the next time ‘it became a problem’ he would see someone about it but there have been little bursts that don’t warrant a problem, but are enough to put me on edge. This is a problem he doesn’t want to address for painful reasons I think, but it has definitely added to the problem of me not wanting to be with him in the long term unless he got help and figured it out.
OOP when told she’s not done growing and to be the best version of herself
This is so real and this is exactly why I posted on reddit. And in a small way, even though I know he thinks I’m great too, I’d like to think that there’s a best version of a partner out there for him too.
[Update - rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7fwk3g/update_i_22_f_think_i_need_to_br…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1f75t2m/i_22_f_think_i_need_to_break_up_with_my_boyfriend/
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your Life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.Update - rareddit Nov 27, 2017 (1 week later)
This is an update to my previous post here.
So, the big conversation happened on Friday, a day earlier than what I was expecting. After writing this post and speaking to trusted family and friends, I decided I didn’t want to wake up like I had all week feeling like shit anymore. I’d open my eyes and just immediately feel that familiar pain in my chest. I wanted it to be over.
He had been texting me normally in the week so I knew he wasn’t expecting this. It made it so much harder. That part wasn’t easy, texting him back very plainly to avoid lying or leading him on. But I asked him if he’d like to meet on Friday and he said he’d love to, so I went over in the morning after running a few errands with my brother. He drove what he called the ‘Getaway Car’ and said he’d pick me up when it was over.
It was so hard. His family was decorating the house for Christmas. As soon as I got there, his mother asked me to help drape some garland across the front porch. I stood there with my heart in my throat, helping her out. As soon as I found a window, I walked into the house and found him in the kitchen. He was still in his pajamas.
I asked if we could talk in his room, and he said sure. He wrapped me in a hug and rubbed my back, and it took everything not to cry right then. We walked up the stairs to his room, I closed the door, and gave him one last, huge hug in the privacy of his room. I took a breath and then asked if we could sit down.
I sat criss cross and began. I told him that I had been in so much pain since we came back after looking at places to live together. I told him that I didn’t think we should live together. I told him that was because I didn’t think we should be together. I told him it wasn’t his fault, that this wasn’t because he had something wrong. I told him I felt like there was something wrong with our relationship, and that I knew moving in together wasn’t the right choice for us and ultimately, committing to each other like that wasn’t the right choice for me. I told him that I wasn’t able to commit to him in that way, when the choice came. I told him that it wasn’t a smooth transition, that this decision came all at me at once like a freight train. I told him that I was sorry.
He asked me why I was doing this. He looked absolutely shocked. He told me he thought everything was perfect and that he didn’t understand why I was saying this. He asked me where we should go from here.
I told him I wanted to talk this out, since we’ve been together for so long. I told him I wasn’t going to waver in my decision because I felt like it was the right choice to make, but I wanted to talk it out.
Instead, he went to his dresser, got out of his pajamas, got into a change of clothes, grabbed his backpack, and left. His mother asked him for more Christmas help but as far as I knew he walked by her. I sat there in shock, I guess. Before he left he said ‘See you Saturday’ because our friends were having a Friends-giving.
I could feel the hysteria come on. It was like a tidal wave. The reality of what I had just done. It was like every elegant, composed, logical reason I had for breaking up went right out the window. Every graceful approach I was going to take this conversation in just blanked on me. I was simply honest and raw. And now I felt like the shittest person I’d ever known. I got my shoes on and flew down the stairs. His mother was asking me for more Christmas help but in the first time in years, I ignored her and ran out the front door.
I was walking away from his house. After I had reached the street, she came outside. I could hear her steps behind me. She called out my name with the same urgency that you call out to someone as if they forgot something in the house. I didn’t turn around. She called out my name again, louder, and I rounded the corner towards the rest of the neighborhood.
I then called my brother and asked him to pick me up. He was there in two seconds. The car was still moving as I opened the door and slid inside, and I was out of there.
That was. . .by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was sobbing. My brother held my hand. It was loud, heartbreaking sobbing. I can’t believe I had ended an 8 year relationship but I did. I went home and my family was all there. They all comforted me through it and told me their breakup stories of their first loves.
That was Friday. Today, Monday, I have to say. . .it was absolutely the correct decision for me to make. After the initial tears, hysteria and destruction, I realized I had needed to make that decision for a long time. I feel fuller, in a way, if that makes sense. And I’m excited for what’s to come for me.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, your insights and your support. I really appreciated all of your comments and I read them a few times a day to give me strength in my down moments. I’ve gotten to the other side of this and I appreciate all of your input!
tl;dr: I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years and I’m going to be very okay.
EDIT: To be honest I’m shocked again at the response. Thank you all, even the people who don’t agree with my decision. If I were to respond to you all and include every single detail of our relationship to try and justify myself I think it would defeat the point of reading your honest responses, because that’s what I’ll be dealing with going forward. I appreciate every comment, I’ve gone through and read them all. Thank you for your eyes and time spent giving your input.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
KORE4N
You sound extremely mature for 22! Because you were with your boyfriend for 8 years, I imagine your lives were intertwined. Down the road, it’s possible that you will miss him, miss the relationship, miss everything you two shared and may feel like you’ve made a huge mistake. It’s all normal to feel that way and if you do, please do not hesitate to talk to your supportive family and friends.
OOP
I’m prepared for the idea that I’ll miss absolutely everything. I’m either really well adjusted or this is just a phase before I go back into feeling awful. Either way, in this clear mindset, I’m bracing for it and trusting my conviction.
~
GoodbyeEarl
Oh man… I know exactly how you feel. I ended an 8 year relationship about 3 years ago. While I broke the news to him, there was this loud scream in my head to stop stop stop but after the hysteria settled, I knew I had made the right choice. I was surprised how quickly my ex moved on (I moved on too though), which made me realize that perhaps he wasn’t totally happy either. Good luck to you.
OOP
Oh my god, I know what you mean about the screaming. It felt like there was a spirit inside of me throwing chairs around my head screaming Why have you done this? Why would you? Stop, go back, take it back! It was agonizing. Change is hard but I had no idea the mental warfare I would experience, I thought it was all just heartache. Thank you for the well wishes.
OOP added this comment about her brother
You’re right, I didn’t go Saturday. A small discovery through all this is that, my brother and I aren’t particularly close. We’ve had a rough childhood with our dad, and he moved to Seattle out of college. Him holding my hand through all this was the most brotherly thing he’s done. I will remember that forever. I really feel closer to him now :)
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
I’m confused on the problem was. This is early 20s not even late. Like what she want? A full plan mapped out? This felt like my partner wrote it. A fickle one with commitment issues that took a decade of indecisiveness to resolve. Left me 5x and Still won’t propose! Not that I care but It’s the principal.
