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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-09-15 22:07:25+00:00.
I am not the Original Poster. OOP is u/swiggitywigg and they posted in r/entitledparents, r/legaladvice and r/raisedbynarcissists
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
Editor’s Note: This Is LONG. OOP’s post that had an official update was the one that I used for the BORU title, however, prior to the first post, she posted on r/raisedbynarcissists and r/legaladvice. Both of these posts contain back story to the OP, so I will include them first.
Trigger Warning: some descriptions of child neglect, financial abuse, possible threat to life
Mood Spoiler: stressful and inconclusive as of now
I refuse to give up my inheritance my dad so desperately wants. January 6, 2023
I’ve had a rocky relationship with my parents (divorced since 1999) my entire life. My father married my step mother in 2000. I was an only child up until this point. She had 4 children from a previous marriage.
In the early days of their marriage, she was pretty toxic to me and to my dads side of the family. Instead of letting relationships between everyone happen organically, she tried to force them.
There’s a lot of backstory here, and I’m trying to trim a lot of fat to still bring us to current day, so bare with me.
When my parents divorced, my dad was allotted 42 days in the summer, and every other weekend. He often would abandon me to be with her family, things would be taken from me and distributed to her children, etc. He would always try to by me off with gifts to make up for hurt feelings. I often felt like I was on the back burner. I spent that time with my grandparents instead.
My grandparents decided to deed me their house when I was 9 because of this. So I’d always have a home when they died. That’s always been a sticking point to my father. He would say things like, “That was such an irresponsible thing to do of them. To deed property to a child.” It clearly didn’t settle well because he has still made comments within the last few years to other people.
My step mother got into an altercation in 2007 where she shoved my grandfather in his front yard to the ground. I was 15 at the time. We didn’t see my grandparents for 8 months after that, and that was after his stroke. Every time my Dad would pull some nonsense or defend his wife’s actions, my grandmother would me petty and change the Will. Slowly keeping land from him for when they pass.
After this incident, I often wondered why he didn’t leave her. They both have a history of only thinking of themselves to the point my grandfather died with poor credit because my dad took out loans and cards in his name.
Before he retired, he didn’t save a penny. He’s been grifting in ways. He has military retirement, but my step mom blows through it. I’ve been married for 8 years and I have a child. Before I had mine, my Dad and Step mother had 7 other grandchildren. They now have 11 total. My daughter is the only blood relation to my dad. He didn’t get to see her because my step mom kept him from seeing her for the first 3 years of her life. When they split I feel like I get quality time with him, and I’ve learned to set boundaries over the years to keep me or my child from being hurt.
I’ve spent the last decade of my adult life trying to heal my inner child and not carry that baggage into my child’s life. Learning to love and forgive. If not forgive, at least make peace. I’ve tried to rekindle a relationship with my father so that he can have a relationship with my daughter. Him and my step mother have been on the rocks for 5 years and have separated twice. He can’t seem to get away. Given where I am in life, it feels like they want something. If not now, then when?
I am married and own my own home. We make a good income and work hard for what we have.
I’ve been dreading my entire life for the moment that both my grandparents would be put to rest. It’s been difficult in itself to process the loss of someone who was essential in my upbringing. Showing unconditional love and teaching me how to function like an adult when I was ready to step into the world.
Well that time is now. We laid my grandmother to rest on at the end of last year. The way the deed was made, it transfers to me immediately at her death. My dad doesn’t know I have seen the Will. I chose not to say anything to have the upper hand.
One of my step siblings has already asked me to deed the house to my dad and step mother in private. It’s all so fresh and I find it incredibly distasteful to reach out to me when we are still going over the process of settling an estate which is now a lifetime trust. Someone had to have given her my number, as I changed in two years back and was very selective who had the new number. Her children would often ask us for money and it got tiring. I felt used after awhile.
My dad stayed at my grandparents house during the week of the funeral. He’s been taking things out of the home for years. Little things here and their like vintage glassware, etc. Out of a precaution, I have changed the locks and put cameras up. Not just to keep them out, but because various caregivers had keys to the home and it’s sitting empty for the time being. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done but will have to take place this summer.
I have no intentions on giving him the house. His attitude has changed with me and he won’t answer my daughters calls. It is all very subtle, but enough to cause alarm. I’m afraid he will take from the sheds, break in or try to fight me over it. Perhaps he’s still grieving or he now knows I’ve seen the Will. Am I the AH for refuse considering to give it to my Dad? It’s not like they left him with nothing. He gets stocks and acres. But the way the Will is drafted everything he owns goes back to the estate, and to me. Not to his wife and her kids when he passes.
Am I handling this right? How should I?
Relevant Comments:
xrebxbiex:
You are definitely doing the right thing. Stick to your guns and don’t feel bad about getting authorities involved if and when you have to. His actions are his own and he can face any consequences that arise from them. This is your inheritance and there’s a reason it’s not his.
salymander_1:
Do not give any of those horrid people a goddamn thing. They are awful. Your grandparents intended for you to have everything for a very good reason. Respect their wishes. You are not doing anything wrong.
It is not your responsibility to protect people from the well deserved consequences of their own actions.
I doubt any of them would lift a finger to help you, but they are all over you for you to do things for them. They are greedy, selfish people, and this is the result of their behavior.
Editor’s Note: OOP also posted in some home reno subs for advice on fixing up their old house and their grandparents’ home they’ll be moving into. They also posted on some real estate subs about selling their current house, but I will leave those out of the BORU. You can view them on her profile if you want more in-depth information.
Kentucky Filial Laws September 2, 2023
I (30F) have historically had a rough relationship with my father (63M). I don’t know if you could call us estranged, but we have a fairly toxic relationship and I always end up going no contact when he throws his fits.
In recent years, he’s gotten upset with me and threatened that I would be legally obligated to care for him when he becomes desolate. He is a veteran, so I’d hope that the VA would be of some sort of assistance.
The man has lied, and stolen from me in my adult years. As a teen he simply put me last in favor of my step mother and her children. I went through physical, emotional and financial abuse. They continue to do so but have had less control over my life since I went to college 12 years ago.
For the last decade he has lived in RVs. He has nothing to show for savings out of 28 years served. I imagine my step mother spent it all. Fast forward to January, I inherited my late grandmother’s home. It’s been deeded to me since 2001. He tried to move into it the day after the funeral. I then changed the locks. He is now upset once again. This is an entire story in itself but his character is why he got shafted out of property in his parents will.
I fully intend of moving out of the forsaken state of Florida to move into my inherited Kentucky home to be mortgage free. I am a stay at home parent. My husband is the bread winner.
So my question is, when he or my step mother fall into ill health, will I be legally obligated to care for him being as I don’t have income of my own? Or will they go after my husbands paychecks? I want free of this man and the trauma and abuse he’s historically put me through. I’m distraugh…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1fhom86/making_my_senior_parents_homeless/
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So my question is, when he or my step mother fall into ill health, will I be legally obligated to care for him being as I don’t have income of my own? Or will they go after my husbands paychecks? I want free of this man and the trauma and abuse he’s historically put me through. I’m distraught thinking that one day I’ll be saddle with caring or paying for their care when my daughter and I have always be second best. My step siblings all live on welfare, so it’s unlikely that they will have financial means in the future.
Relevant Comment:
lyingdogfacedpony66:
Based on what you described, neither you nor your husband will be obligated further in any way. His threat is idle.
Making My Senior Parent Homeless September 6, 2023
I (30F) and my father (64M) have historically had a rocky relationship. My parents divorced when I was 5 and he married the women he cheated on my mother with. I was an only child and she had 4 kids from a previous marriage.
During my childhood years, I spent most of the allocated time dedicated to my father in the divorce with my paternal grandparents. Every two weeks and 42 days in the summer. They lived in a different state. I cherished the time I had with them and they would always go to bat for me. There was some tension caused early in my dads new marriage due to my step mom demanding that my GPs go back to the store one Christmas and get equal amount of gifts for all of her children. Even taking some from me gifting to her youngest. I spent many times waiting on my moms sofa waiting for my dad to pick me up and he never did. I would later find out he was on family vacations with his new family. I could spend all day telling Cinderella stories, but I need to keep focus on this story. My grandparents picked up his slack. We spent summers learning how to make baskets, gardening, camping and various different activities. Their home was a second home to me.
When I was 13 I went to go live with my dad after some methodical brainwashing and I then would rarely see my GPs. My GM would call and they would ignore it. It would hurt my heart to see it on the caller ID knowing they were just on the other line but my dad and SM would not allow it unless I sat at a table with them while on a call.
Fast forward to summer of my freshmen year we went to visit my dads side of the family. On the last night my Aunt & Uncle who lived next door asked if I could stay the night with my cousins. My SM wanted her youngest daughter to be included. They declined because my SS was a thief. A fight ensued in the front yard that night resulting in physical altercations. My step mother shoved my 74 y/o Pap to the ground. He had a hip replacement in the 90s and already had a stiff walk. I was utterly terrified and distraught. As the chaos ensued I packed my belongings because they said we were leaving. I vowed then that this would be the last straw and I would never forgive them. We missed their 50th wedding anniversary because my stepmom was still upset over what HIS family did to HER that night. The next spring my Pap had a stroke and it was never the same. The man that helped raise me during his sons short comings didn’t remember my name. He died in 2014.
Later I left home when I was 18 to go to college where I met my husband. He has been my rock and helped when my dad throws fits in the last few years when he doesn’t get his way. He has showed me nothing but unconditional love and support and is the father to our child mine never could muster to be.
I go no contact with dad every couple years because of his behavior. There is an old saying that “time heals all wounds,” but I don’t believe that to always be true. I maintained a relationship with my Mammie (paternal grandmother) until her death in December. She was a cheeky one who left notes for us to find after death. This woman never forgot a thing when she felt slighted. That also reflected in her Will. I inherit the house that has been deeded to me since 2001. My dad knew they would give it to me but I honestly think he thought he had a chance of fighting me for it.
Since 2012, he and my SM have been living in an RV that is now starting to fall apart. He is retired military and has no savings. Right after the funeral he stashed his belongings in closets. I discovered this after I changed the locks and added cameras as I live out of state and wanted security for the home before I sell my house and move into MY childhood home. I put his stuff and what was owed to him in storage and my Uncle gave him the keys.
After learning this, he’s been furious. My step siblings keep reaching out telling me I’m heartless for keeping him out of his parents home. He called crying and I coldly told him if they wanted him to have it they would have left it to him. I also told him he should have treated his parents better when they were alive. I have the deed in my hands and there’s nothing left for him to do about it. The estate is almost settled and what land he does get will also have my name on the deed.
I would rather share my childhood home with my daughter and all the whimsical things it had to offer. Even if my dad ends up homeless.
Relevant Comments:
snvoight:
Sounds like your dad was waiting to get that house, guessing he’s flabbergasted you did cave and hand it over.
Just know If you deed your dad the home, and he passes before your stepmom, the house will go to her and eventually her kids.
Do not for any reason allow them to get access into the home. Especially when it sounds like stepmom has a gaggle of unemployed kids, who many or may not have significant others helping them make all those babies they are popping out.
Everyone can go get jobs and figure it out.
OOP:
It definitely seems that he was waiting. The RV and then the clothes. Twice so far he’s made excuses to “come get his stuff.” He didn’t expect me to drive 700 miles to meet him at the door when he thought he circumvented me asking my uncle. He said he had things in the barns. I don’t own the barns. He took every tool out of my shed however. I called the sheriffs office and they arrived as he was leaving. He said he wanted his dads tools. I let that go.
The latest thing is some junk John deer crap he stuck in a back bedroom. I found it. It’s like he planted so much stuff there but he sure absconded with a lot out of the house during the funeral.
And you are right. That was something my husband mentioned to me. Squatters laws, and the potential for her kids to shack up there. To be honest, he doesn’t have the money to keep up with the house. It’s older. 1959 with an addition from 1970s. Plumbing is hodge lodge. Electrical in 3/4 of the house isn’t grounded. A pipe ruptured this summer. Needs new lateral lines. Recluse infestation through the house. No central heat and air. It needs a lot of work, requiring the sell of my home to renovate it. It easily needs 40k of work not to fall apart in the next few years. Solid bones but dated. It sits on the most beautiful hill looking over 200 acres of what was once farm land, trees and limestone. I would never trade it for anything.
gypsysniper9:
Let his step-kids take care of them. What a pair of AH they are.
OOP:
He’s brought up filial law on multiple levels occasions. 3 out of 4 step siblings are all on welfare and between all 4 siblings have 12 children. They have too many kids to take care of already. They’ve spent a lot of money supporting my step sisters ever the last two decades. Which is likely contributed to their current financial state.
Update August 11, 2024
I promised an update. It’s taking me a long time to really sit down and gather my thoughts to update or rather just really take in the reality of my situation. It’s taken me 31 years to really see beyond the rose tinted glasses of the relationship I thought I had with my father. I did cancel his flight. He did not help us move, but I did end up engaging with him to keep the peace.
Quick recap: I inherited my grandparents home. Father and step mom wanted to move in. I said no. Dad then decides to leave evil step mom and reconcile. Wanted to “temporarily” move in with us. We said no. He was insisting on helping us move and we ultimately said no. We are essentially estranged and he’s never really been a parent to me. Would rather love and bond with my 3 step sisters and all their children than his only child and grandchild. I previously entertained reconciliation only to be strongly dissuaded by my extended family and Reddit.
A week before making the move he did come to Kentucky and leave my step mom as he had said. How he did it was cowardly. She was doing laundry on their last day in Texas at their RV and he got in her vehicle and split back to Georgia. Leaving her without transportation. Her children are angry. Once he got to their RV in Georgia he parked the car, packed his truck up and trailer and headed to Kentucky. He spent a week here on his property next to my inherited home (I inherited his parents house for those that do not recall). He was essentially camping in a small trailer he would haul stuff in for flea markets and gun shows.
He asked if he could use my water hose so he could shower and I agreed. I have cameras outside so I thought, “What could it hurt?” Well, here’s where I was wrong. I then get a call from him that “water is pouring from under the house.” I told him to shut the water off. The house has been having leaks since I took possession as it’s got 60 year old plumbing that will be replaced with the sale of my home. I had my uncle come to confirm and then scheduled a plumber to come look at what needed to be done. This was just 5 days before we would get there with a moving truck from Florida to KY. A pipe had split under the sink and the water heater had busted during the winter.
During this time a storm came through and the power went out. He found a key I had in a flower pot for the plumber and went into my home. When we got there he told us he sprayed the yard for ticks, did pest control and also cleaned and sprayed for pest INSIDE THE HOME. I was livid. I didn’t react angrily because at the time it felt weird. I was questioning whether I was wrong and he was actually wanting to be a dad to me after all this time. So I let it go. That illusion has since passed.
We’ve been here since mid June and now I’ve discovered he’s robbed us blind. He’s denied it all of course. Tape had been removed from an old chimney hole (assuming looking for money), green dishware has been stolen and put on consignment in town and at another local place 40 minutes away. Any time we have a sub contractor out to give bids on the remodel he just shows up and tries to hijack the situation.
He talked to me like I’m stupid in front of my husband. That surprisingly didn’t go well. My husband is as docile as it comes, but that was the straw that broke his silence in all this. My dad didn’t take kindly to my husband telling him he needed to mind his own business and be respectful to his wife.
He’s now staying at one of his cousins in an RV. He’s still moving forward with his plans to put a tiny home on the land that is nestled between me and my uncle. My extended family tend to avoid him like the plague even with his repeated efforts to enter the fold. He showed up to their home on the 4th of July with a lawn chair to see fireworks uninvited and they didn’t ask him to leave.
Sometime in July we noticed my dad had messed with the propane heater. It no longer had the pilot light on, and the dial had been moved to “1.” Which is on the opposite side of the dial as the pilot setting. Either that was incompetence or he was playing with fate with our lives. His granddaughters life. He of course denied it.
I am under the impression we are all in fear of his retaliation. My husband has no such fears and keeps threaten to go into the consignment that has my stolen glassware and making a scene. Honestly I’m at the point that I’m just going to let my husband deal with him. I’m no longer emotionally exhausted and just annoyed.
He shows up randomly with food which I immediately throw away. The last one had a note on it for my daughter. I wish I had a happier update, but this is what it is. We close on the sale of our home next week and start remodeling soon. I’ve let my contractors know the situation and he’s not to be on the property. I feel bad having them in the situation. I’m worried he will vandalize the house my grandparents left me while we are in our rental.
If I end up as a news story, know it’s not a mystery and know who is responsible.
Relevant Comments:
OOP reveals more worrisome details about her father in the comments when asked if she’s in a 2A or “Criminals are people” state:
Both county and state are 2A or I would have reported his storage unit of unregistered guns he sells without performing background checks. He exited the military, became a consultant, somehow lost his security clearance and started selling guns. At one point he was selling Korean AKs to “militia” groups in Georgia. I wish this was all a joke. My dad is the Frank Gallagher Lord of War I guess.
Kittytigris:
I’m with your husband on this. Your silence is emboldening your father in pushing boundaries. There’s only one way to deal with people like that, make sure they’re aware that you’re not afraid of creating an even more public scene than they are. You and your husband should absolutely file a police report and a no trespassing order on the theft and damages he had done. Get your stuff back from the consignment shop. If anything, it makes your father aware that you’re not afraid to send him to jail if need be and no one would bail him out.
OOP:
The problem with making a report is I don’t have photo evidence that it belongs to me other than I have the other half of the green glassware set he stole. Last time I called the police for trespassing the state police sided with dad’s story that I was a disgruntled child and he was just trying to be “a dad.” Unsure if it was just small town sympathies or the patriarchy at work. This is also the Bible Belt.
Kittytigris:
If you have the title/deed of the house/property it is well within your right to have whoever you want trespassed. I wouldn’t just leave it at that, I would just tell the cops that he is estranged from me and I haven’t had contact with him in years. He just left his current family because he thinks he can get me to fund his lifestyle. He is a stranger and I want him off my property. If your uncle is next door and the same mindset as you, he can back you up by asking for your father to be removed from his property as well or at least let the sheriff know that your father is not welcomed.
CherryblockRedWine:
“He is a stranger, a thief, and has committed identity fraud.”
OP, use ALL your ammunition. He stole his parents’ identities and ruined their credit. There is a pattern to all this.
Also – you wrote in another post that even the land he would “inherit” was deeded to you – if that’s the case, why not just evict him?
Maleficent_Theory818:
Get a police report and go to the consignment store and get your dishes back. I can bet they have a higher value than you realize beyond sentimental value.
Document everything he has done. You need to see about getting your property posted so he can’t come onto your lawn and cause further damage.
desert_dame:
Yes definitely get the police report and get your dishes back. I’m in the vintage biz. And let me tell you. If someone brings in stolen merch. They are not only banned from their store but all others they are friends with. It’s a small world in the biz. People know people.
This will prevent him from doing business in your town. He’ll have to leave the surrounding area to sell anything. And re estate sales. The better ones will ban him from the premises. Since he’s known to be a thief.
Please Let it start with you to stop him. Unfortunately in the biz there are these vindictive aholes. Surprisingly enough. It tends to be men of a certain age. They’ll break stuff, hide stuff and steal it.
The teens will steal cheap costume jewelry. It’s the older guys who will really rip you off.
The thing with the propane tank. That’s definite criminal intent to destroy your house. That’s how arson fires are done too. The water to undermine your foundation. And it’s hello $50k to get a new one.
You and uncle must combine forces to get rid of this increasingly deranged man.
Editor’s Note: I’m marking this ongoing. OOP is still renovating the house and her dad is still in the RV in the area causing problems. She hasn’t posted in a month, but has posted comments on other topics recently.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7.
Shouldn’t have let him near the property. Dude has no interest I’m anything past himself or is too stupid to do it right.
