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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Valuable-Builder-733 on 2023-08-04 19:12:42.

I (M47) have a son Jake (M26) who has his own son Mike (M5). Jake’s mother and I only had a short-term relationship and it was an accidental pregnancy. To be blunt, I never wanted to be a parent, particularly not at 21. However, Jake’s mother did and it wasn’t my decision. Although we have always kept the peace, things have always been icy between us due to that.

However, I always tried to do right by Jake. I would have him every other weekend and for a month during the summer, would do my best to deliver on anything he asked of me, treated him kindly and tried to be a good father. Then at a certain point, his mother married a guy Jake hated and I had him move in with me once he was 13. I won’t lie, I wasn’t cut out to be a parent. I love Jake, but I just hated parenting. I did it anyway since he was my son. We have a very good relationship, and I’ve never shirked any responsibility to him.

Jake also became a father at 21. However, he was all for it and is happily married to Mike’s mother. I also got him into my electrician’s union and had him set up on some good jobs. So, he was on much, much better footing than I was for a child. Back then, we had a long talk and I told him “Jake, being a parent is a very, very different life. It is hard, exhausting and on a day-to-day basis, you don’t really get to do what you want to do very much. It will be a very long time before you don’t have that kind of responsibility anymore.”

Then the conversation turned to how I’d help him. I told him no. I am retired from parenting. I am turning back to my own life. He has his own home, union job, is engaged, and adult enough to decide to have a baby. He’s the adult now. He’s the parent. I’ll be around and if there are any emergencies, obviously I’ll do what I can. But I won’t be an “active” grandparent.

I’ve largely held to it. I have been doing a lot of travel, I have a GF, hobbies and to be blunt, I’m doing all the things I didn’t get to do in my 20s. Do I see Jake and his family? Yes. However, I rarely agree to babysit. Jake resents that I don’t go to Mike’s games (they tend to conflict with my weightlifting club) and that I’m pretty hands off with Mike. Things came to a head last week when Mike had a baseball tournament and I refused to go because I had plans to take a scuba class with my GF (which admittedly could be rescheduled). I didn’t tell Jake this, but I spent so many Saturdays bored out of my skull watching little league when Jake was little. I always cheered loudly, was crazy supportive and never let on that it was like watching paint dry. But this is no longer my responsibility.

So I told him “Jake, I spent 20 years parenting. That’s enough.” He then yelled at me that I am always jetting around, playing like a teenager and not putting him first. I told him that no, I wasn’t. I did that for 20 years to get him on his feet as an adult. I’ve done that and can go back to prioritizing my own life.