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The original was posted on /r/hobbydrama by /u/BeanOfKnowledge on 2024-09-25 12:33:52+00:00.

It is early 2005 in Strahlsund, Germany . The Kastelruher Spatzen (Kastelruhe Sparrows) have just won their fifth Krone der Volksmusik (Folk Music Crown), Humankapital has been declared the Unwort des Jahres (Non-Word of the Year), and the readership of the Ostsee-Zeitung (Baltic Sea Newspaper) honours a man by the name of Claus-Peter Schoschies with the title of Sport-Ass von der Küste 2004 (Coastal Sports-Ace 2004) (Yes, Ass is German for Ace). He has beaten various popular Football Players, a remarkable feat for someone from an extremely fringe discipline: Orthodox Problem Chess. This year is the height of his career: He has played at the 2004 Olympics in Athens and has risen to the rank of Chairman of the regional sports club, honoured with the prestigious Bronze Needle. It’s also the height of his career since it will come to a rather sudden, dishonourable end in early 2005. But first, a short explanation:

What is Problem Chess?

Problem Chess is the competitive solving of chess problems. While most chess players will have encountered chess problems along the lines of “Checkmate in two moves”, solving them competitively at tournaments is a fringe activity. Imagine a group of people sitting at a separate tables, looking at sheets of paper and scribbling down chess notations. Not the most exciting thing to view, but a true test of one’s capabilities as a player. International champions tend to be world-level in regular play as well. Eagle-eyed reader will not that I haven’t explained what Orthodox Problem Chess is. There is a reason for this.

A Doctor of Mathematics makes a curious discovery

Someone who is, apparently, an eagle-eyed reader is Dr. Olaf Teschke, who was born in the small town of Sassnitz, close to Stralsund. The Mathematician, who occasionally writes humoristic editorials for chessbase.de, is rather astounded at the Schoschies’ reader-awarded title. Blessed with the robust memory of a chess player, he remembers the Sport-Ass from the sidelines of a regional tourney. But he does not remember him for his remarkable capabilities. Rather, he remembers a player who is “on the level of a middling club player”.He might just be misremembering, of course. So, as any true academic, he decides to double-check.

Short research reveals that Schoschies plays in events organised by the OPCF (“Orthodox Problem Chess Foundation”). Successfully, placing between second and fourth on their European rankings.  This is interesting, since at the time, the German Champion of Problem Chess is Arno Zude, who, unlike Schoschies, is also a Grandmaster of regular Chess. Of course, these are the normal problem Chess rankings, not the elusive OPCF’s orthodox problem chess rankings, which can only be found in one place online: The archives of the Ostseezeitung. All articles detailing Schoschies’ victories also appear to be written by a Gernot Peter, independent chess correspondent. His articles manage to make the rather dull sport sound exciting, even flashy. Strange and stranger still. The again, it’s 2005 and not everything can be found online.

What can be found is an announcement for the next OPCF tourney. Just a date, no address. Teschke writes to the given E-Mail, politely asking where the tourney is held and if it’s possible to watch. Again, the newspaper articles make them sound quite exciting. Teschke does not receive an answer, but the next day, a new announcement appears in the Ostseezeitung, announcing the unfortunate cancellation of the Event. The OPCF must be quite elusive and small indeed.

Speaking of Events and Elusiveness

The OPCF has an impressive roster: A yearly Marathon Tournament in Dresden, a Group Tournament on the Canary Islands, and the yearly Bestenermittlung (Literally: Determination of the Best) in varying towns. Can’t find much about these online either, and at the Dresden Chess club no one knows about the supposedly 27 year old annual event. But let’s leave that aside and look at the most important Tournament, the Bestenermittlung. Schoschies recently placed second after the Russian Dr. Nikolai Garnejew. According to the newspaper articles, this Russian is his main rival. This year, he apparently only had surpassed Schoschies because “Schoschies had too much respect of my capabilities”. I would like to point out again that in Problem Chess, the players sit at separate tables and do not directly compete against each other. Beyond being a dangerous rival, Garnejew is also a unique last name. So unique that it can be found effectively nowhere else online. Perhaps a further look at the other participants is warranted: Impossible to find are equally strangely named regular competitors Ole Lars, Finland and Fridjow Hirsch, Munich. In fact, the Telephone Book lists not a single F.Hirsch in all of Munich. Not even the famous American player, Prof. Bill Farmer seems to exist, just a voice actor of the same name. Somewhat fittingly, he is most famous for being the voice of Goofy.

But what about the highlight of the OPCF’s events? The Demonstration at the Olympic Games? Well, no one else remembers it. In a response to a request by Dr. Teschke, the Committee even outright states that “no Chess Demonstration was held in 2004”. Yes, the unfortunate, but unsurprising truth is this: Schoschies has never played at the Olympics or any other major event, never won any notable prices beyond a Book coupon in the 80s, and Orthodox Problem Chess doesn’t and presumably will never exist. Teschke publishes all these findings online in March 2005. He dryly states that, unless this is proof for the existence of parallel universes, he has just unmasked a Fraudster. It’s not a good look for Schoschies, who had just raised about 6000€ for a visit to the Olympics that, again, never happened.

The Aftermath

Schoschies has faded back into obscurity, after failing to provide proof of the existence of Orthodox Problem Chess. His last statement is a claim that he’ll return the raised money. Whether he ever did so, I haven’t found out.

Teschke still teaches Mathematics at University and considers his involvement in the affair his “15 Minutes of fame”.

The Ostseezeitung owned up to their mistakes. The only article on their former darling that can still be found online details his fraud. Gernot Peter never wrote for them again, most likely on account of him not existing.

In the German chess community as a whole, this Drama is still fondly remembered to this day for its absurdity.

All in all, many people have garner false acclaim for non-existent sports titles throughout history, but this may be the only case where someone managed to do it with such a blatantly non-existent sport.