This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-09-27 04:02:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Silent_Pro_1453
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH if I break up with my girlfriend because of her art project
Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy
Original Post: September 18, 2024
My 21M girlfriend 26F is in art school.
A few days ago I found her archive of videos taken while I was sleeping. 94 videos, one for each night that I slept over at her place.
She said it’s for a project she was going to ask my permission to submit but I’m creeped out, and I can’t stop thinking about how she invaded my privacy by not telling me she was doing something like this.
She said if she told me, it would ruin the project and she was going to tell me eventually, because she was sure I would be ok with it
Well I’m not
Am I overreacting?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
OOP on reporting this situation to his girlfriend’s school regarding her submitting the videos without his consent
OOP: She wouldn’t do that— she just had a lot of confidence in me giving her consent in the future vs letting me in on it before the project began.
OOP on what kind of the art project his girlfriend was doing?
OOP: I can’t say details but I will make a clarification that the end result was going to be heatmapping and not actual literal videos of me to be shared / published but I came across the raw footage and that’s what’s tripping me up
Commenter: NTA. You’re not overreacting. Your girlfriend violated your privacy and trust by filming you without your consent, even if it was for an art project. It’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable and creeped out. It’s your right to set boundaries and expect them to be respected in a relationship.
Editor’s Note: Thank you to u/toketsupuurin for providing more context of what heatmapping is: OOP isn’t talking about infrared thermometer types of things you can do with your phone and an app (But that’s where the term comes from. Those are heat maps of literal heat). A heat map is essentially going to show how much activity happened in a location. So you’ll have a rainbow of colors kind of like how storms on a weather map are shown in the weird blue/green/yellow/orange/red colors. That’s actually a heatmap of how active the storm is in any one location at a certain point in time. More rain = redder color. In OOP’s case her project was probably going to track how often a pixel changed in her camera’s view. So the more times the pixel changes the “redder” its color would be. This would likely have resulted in a big, smeared blob of weird colors that might have looked vaguely like a photo of 50 ghosts having a mosh party.
Update: September 20, 2024
I got only 2 DMs asking about a follow up so it’s not like there was ‘demand’ for this update but I will just do it for the sake of conclusion since the post got over 100 upvotes.
I asked my girlfriend if she had a backup project to submit in the off chance that I would not have consented to being part of her current one…
She said she didn’t because she was dead certain I would. I told her that her approach to this was all wrong and it’s left me feeling like we’re not a team and she can’t be trusted. I feel that she should have involved me from the start.
And as someone put it in my previous post… you can’t consent after the fact. We kind of derailed into a conversation about what’s ethical.
Obviously I’m not in art school doing a masters program, but I can still speak to the subject. I feel like she just bulldozed me and her defensiveness just put me off further.
I don’t have an issue with her project. I have an issue with all the raw footage she obtained in order to create it, which involved filming me without consent for several weeks.
This footage (which no longer exists I hope)… was an invasion of my privacy. I requested her to delete it all. She said she did. I can only hope she did.
We ended up breaking up. I don’t know if she’ll submit the project anyway. If she does I’ll know for sure I did the right thing ending it.
I get confused now and then because when I try to explain it to friends it seems like a stupid reason to break up, but I just can’t shake the feeling that this was just one example of a greater difference in our relationship. There’s a lack of mutual respect… and idk regard for my opinions? She always thinks she knows better, more etc.
Anyway, maybe I’m just reaching to make me feel comfortable about my decision. Anyway. Heart hurts. That’s all.
Additional Information from OOP regarding the raw footage his girlfriend had of him
OOP: It’s the raw footage I’m taking the most issue with - and lack of consent prior to beginning this project in which I’m the main subject. While the finished project that gets displayed will not showcase me in any way that reveals who I am … to work with the raw footage across various computers (eg at her school), consult other students and staff, explain her processes and essentially ‘show her work’ - all of it involves exposing parts of the raw footage. She should have asked for my consent before the project began. It’s not just about the end product to me. Her whole project is an experience (largely mine), and I feel like she disrespected me by not being transparent about it. Like I didn’t even deserve to know the details because it’s her project and she doesn’t need to explain. Along these lines… is the argument that resulted in our breakup.
Comments I would be surprised if she deleted the work. That’s a lot of footage to replace, unless she comes up with a completely different concept and has that ready by the deadline.
Perhaps contact the relevant person at her art school and talk about this. I don’t know about where you live, but where I’m from, students must submit a ‘consent to participate’ form signed by participants. Let them know if her work is submitted with your image, you were not a willing participant and all her work was done without consent. For added clout, if they hum and haw, let them know you will be seeking legal counsel. Perhaps do that anyway.
You did the right thing breaking up with her…she’s not great.
NTAH