This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-28 04:02:02+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/messymess123
Me [28F] with my BF[30 M] duration 1.5 years, My BFF (28F) came out as Lesbian and my BF is furious with me.
TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia
Original Post Oct 13, 2017
I’m gonna keep this short. I have been best friends with Nina for 12 years now. We became especially close about 10 years ago when she confided in me that she was Gay and depressed. She comes from a conservative christian family. She was dealing with a lot of personality conflict and was suicidal even for a while. I became her support and cheer leader and encouraged her to get therapy. I wnet with her to LGBT support groups and while her mental health improved, she decided to “stay in the closet”. She dated a few girls through the years disguised as “close friends” and “room mates” I was the only one who knew about her relationships.
Now, like many female BFFs we spend ALOT of time together and know an unhealthy amount of info about each other private and personal life. She has also supported me through my difficult times and is truly my sister in spirit.
I have been dating my BF for a bit over a year now and things are getting serious we are at point of discussing future plans like moving in together and time line for marriage etc. We have a good relation ship over all.
Now, 2 weeks ago, on her Bday. Nina finally came out. First to her family and then on FB to everyone. A lot of her family has abandoned her over it. so I invited her to spend thanks giving with us (I’m Canadian). We had our own small dinner with just some close friends on Saturday. At dinner Nina gave an emotional speech and thanked us for loving her as she is and then thanked me especially for saving her life (her words) and supporting her all these years.
well, after everyone left i could say my BF looked irate. I asked him what was wrong and he suddenly kinda exploded like YOU KNEW ALL SHE WAS GAY? i was like yeah…and i thought he was upset i never shared it with him and started explaining that it was not my secret to share.
He goes on to explain he feels betrayed that I had a close friend who would be sexualiy interested in me! He went on about all the times I spent the night at her house even sleeping in same bed with her and concluded that I have basically been cheating on him this whole time.
I was baffled and mad and answered probably louder than I should have that he was insane and she is my best friend and basically my sister and what he was accusing me of was sick and he needs to either apologize or GTFO of my apartment.
Well, he did. and later texted me to un-invite me to his family’s dinner which was on monday. He said if he was this close to a girl I’d be mad too. I think his comparison is insane. anyways its been almost a week and neither of us thinks we should apologize. What do you think? what would you do? I’m tired of living like this even a break up would be less frustrating at this point. He claims I disrespected our relationship and i think he is way out of line. who is wrong here?
Edit: spelling — tl;dr: I knew my BFF was a lesbian and I spent a lot of time with her. BF found out she is gay and is accusing me of disrespecting our relationship. Did i? What would you do/say?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
MLeek
Yeah, let this be a breakup.
Your boyfriend is acting like an asshole and an infant. Of course, you don’t out someone else and you two are nearly in your 30s. You should both have no difficulty at this point having platonic friendships with people who may also be, generally speaking, sexually attracted to people of your gender.
I could give him a bit of a pass on some initial shock—but that is now over. It’s been a week. If he is sticking to his guns on feeling betrayed and believing your friendship was inappropriate that he is lacking in some fundamental trust and respect for you.
OOP
“Of course, you don’t out someone else”
THANK YOU. im so glad to hear it from someone else. Its such a personal secret it never even occurred to me to share it with any of my partners. with ANYONE really
Update - rareddit Oct 17, 2017
Hello all,
Wow my post exploded. I did not see that coming!
Sorry it’s been a while. The day after I posted my original story, my dad suffered and accident at work which lead to him being hospitalized. He is ok now. Resting at home and has not suffered any long term injuries.
I did eventually read all the comments. Thank you for all the love and support and advice. To the LGBT folks who thanked me for keeping my friends secret. I did what any person should do. I hope each an every one of you find great friends and a strong support system.
To people defending him being upset, I just hope noone ever trusts you with their secret. third party’s secret has nothing to do with your relationship! dont share other people’s stuff for sake of "Honesty in relationship! wtf?!
Also here is my response to a few common questions:
-No I still do not agree my situation was same as him having a super intimate straight female friend. I am straight. I have been close with Nina with over a decade. Not once we had an awkward or romantic moment. The closest example would be him having a gay male friend. ALSO i know I am gonna be crucified for saying this, but male and female friendship with the same gender are different. Males and females bond differently with their own gender. Not always of course. But generally female besties are closer than male besties in sense of physical boundries
-I can understand his disappointment. I was ready to comfort and assure him that me not sharing Nina’s secret was not due to lack of my trust in him. but in no way i feel like I betrayed him or prioritize Nina over him. I always spent a healthy amount of time with him. We both agreed we want a little independence in our relationship. It was one of the things that made us a better couple.
During my time in the hospital my BF came around once asking about my dad and asked to put our fight on pause. I agreed initially. But then a few days ago, He came around again and we got lunch and as we were talking he said something like: when you are feeling better and are ready to discuss and apologize we should talk…and that just set me off but I stayed calmed and said that I apologize for yelling and nothing more. I refuse to apologize for keeping a secret and I am expecting his apology for accusing me of cheating…LONG story short, I broke up with him.
He has been sending me texts ranging from lets stay friends to he never wants to see me again, to mild anger and today, a lets talk again. I’m done. IDK if this is healthy but I am already over it. Nina is truly my sister in spirit and has been in my life for much longer. We are going to Cuba with a few other friends for winter holidays! Thanks again for your support! Maybe I’ll meet someone =P I know there are plenty of men out there without a pornographic view on lesbians and with better understanding of female friendship.
Edit to add: ahaha! i love how people are piling on about the sleeping in same bed. she is my close friend with zero sexual tension. Im straight so if he cant trust me around someone im not attracted to, why bother dating him. what if I ever make a male friend? will I not be allowed to be near him? PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF NON SEXUAL PHYSICAL CONTACT. so if he cant wrap his tiny mind around it. It’s up to him!
tl;dr: He insisted I betrayed him. I dumped him
RELEVANT COMMENTS
GoodAboutHood
I’m a dude. My best friend is gay. I’m 100% straight. I’ve shared beds and tents with him. My wife gives zero fucks.
Don’t listen to the insecure trolls, and enjoy the single life :)
OOP
good for you! It’s about time men get close and comfy with their best friends without judgment from trolls
~
Llamallamamama
Yay!!!
I wish I could’ve seen his face when you calmly held the rage boiling up and said “I did nothing wrong, I won’t apologize.”
Sweet sweet justice. Have a great friendship with your spirit sister!
OOP
Gotta say I am proud. I regret losing my cool first time around and I was ready to apologize for it too
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7