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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-04 04:01:20+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Dress5215

My (27m) girlfriend (27f) keeps pushing me to try nonmonogamy and asks why I won’t compromise when I push back

EDITOR’S NOTE: OOP used Lucy and Lisa as different names for the GF. I changed Lisa to Lucy in the update to avoid confusion

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual manipulation

Original Post  July 31, 2023

We’re both 27 and have been dating for 10 months. My girlfriend, Lucy, is bisexual and has always been open with me about her kinks and fantasies, and bringing in other people (MMF, MFF, MMFF and so on) features high on her list. I’m pretty vanilla by comparison. I never guilt tripped her or shamed her when she opened up to me about these, but I always made it clear to Lucy that they were a bit above what I could provide, and that in particular I would never be comfortable bringing another man into the equation.

About 6 months into the relationship, Lucy suggested that we have an MFF threesome with another woman and that she would be happy to arrange it. I was a little apprehensive about this initially, as I didn’t want it to be used against me as a bargaining chip further down the line, and so constantly checked in with Lucy asking if she was sure it was something she wanted and that we would be doing together.

Not longer after the threesome took place, Lucy suggested that we visit a garden party together, which we did (and at which we only played with each other). She also suggested reaching out and meeting other couples involved in “the scene.” My understanding was that we would be befriending couples who were also dipping their toes in the water with garden parties and such, and have people who could accompany us to these kinds of events as friends. We matched with another couple on an app and met up with them a few times for drinks.

Earlier tonight, Lucy called me and hit with me with a curveball - she said that the past few months she had been feeling unsatisfied and unenthused by our sex life. This really caught me off guard. I knew that Lucy was more adventurous, and I thought I had been doing a decent job of accommodating this (the MFF threesome, the sex party, and talking to another couple). I was hurt by this revelation but I did my best to find out from Lucy what it was she felt was lacking and what we could do to fix things. After a bit of probing, it became apparent that she wanted us to experiment with MMFF nonmonogamy; flirting with another couple, playing truth-or-dare type games with them, ideally some form of swapping, etc. All things that would make me umconfortable and which I just can’t ever see myself doing, and yet which are extremely important to Lucy.

I asked Lucy if there was anything else at all we could try in order to meet in the middle. The subject of toys came up, but it was pretty apparent this was a mere sideshow. Lucy got a bit shitty with me at one point, insinuating I wasn’t being “open minded” enough, asking how I knew that I wouldn’t be into what she was asking, that the situation is unfair and that I’m not willing to compromise (even though she is the one instigating all of this whilst being fully aware what my boundaries are).

After a bit of back and forth it eventually dawned on us both that we were staring at the end of the relationship. I told Lucy I was hurt by the revelation but that I was still thankful that she spoke up, that she needs to do right by herself and not compromise on something if it’s important to her. At this point Lucy became tearful, asking if this was the end, that this wasn’t how she expected the conversation to go, and so on. We ended up saying goodnight after promising we’d have another chat about it later.

I’m writing this now having just gotten off the phone off her. I’m pretty gutted - being told out of the blue that your partner has been unsatisfied and unexcited isn’t a particularly great thing to hear. I think this is probably the end of Lucy and I, as I don’t see myself ever entertaining the scenarios she wants us to partake in, and even if she agreed to bury it there would be the risk of this coming up again at a later date. Since I started writing this Lucy has been texting me pleading with me to “compromise.” I am trying my best to explain to her that the boundaries she is asking me to compromise on are “hard” ones and which would very likely lead to me getting hurt, but the topic of compromise keeps coming up. Not sure what to do, I would appreciate any advice on how to navigate this and if things might possibly be salvaged without major boundaries being crossed. Thanks.

TL;DR OP’s GF keeps nudging him to try forms of non-monogamy he isn’t comfortable with, claims he needs to compromise when he pushes back. Potentially a relationship-ender but OP wants to know how things might be salvaged.

ETA: formatting

RELEVANT COMMENTS

maps2001

Her idea of compromise is you doing everything she wants now and in the future. Do not compromise on something that will affect your mental health and believe me buddy if you get to see her being screwed by another man you will take a long time to get over it. You two are not compatible it’s just that simple.

fiery_valkyrie

What’s the compromise between monogamy and non-monogamy? There isn’t one. You can’t do half-monogamy. It’s all or nothing.

OOP Made a little edit to the original post

ETA: Thanks for the comments everyone, I think it’s pretty clear that this is the end of the road for Lucy and I. I will have a chat with her tonight and tell her that we’re through.

Told her I don’t want to try non-monogamy, she’s now guilt tripping me  Aug 15, 2023 (2 weeks later)

A few weeks ago I posted in another sub about a situation with my GF (Lucy) nudging me to try forms of non-monogamy that I wasn’t comfortable with, and claiming I needed to “compromise” when I pushed back.

The consensus from comments on my post was that the relationship needed to end as her and I were clearly sexually incompatible, but deep down I was adamant that things could be salvaged somehow. Not long after our initial conversation, I explained to Lucy why her actions were wrong (pushing against my boundaries despite my repeated saying no), and she apologised to me. She suggested that we go away and write lists of activities that we would or wouldn’t be comfortable engaging in, and seeing where we could find common ground or “meet each other in the middle”. It seemed reasonable.

The other day, we sent each other our lists. Lucy was clearly disappointed with mine, as I more or less ruled out partaking in all of the ethnical non-monogamy (ENM) activities that she suggested. I made it clear that I was willing to partake in monogamous activities from her list that she enjoyed (e.g. toys), but that didn’t seem to really cut it for her.

“It is what it is” she said on the phone, with a sigh, her tone of voice one of clear disappointment. “I’m the one who’s losing out here. You get to keep everything you want to do, but I don’t really get anything. It’s fine though Ok_Dress5215, it is what it is. I can just suppress my desires and keep them in my head.”

I really disliked her insinuation that I was being obtuse or selfish for not willing to compromise on my boundaries, and I asked why me being willing to try the monogamous activities she outlined didn’t seem to count as meeting her in the middle. “It’s got to be spontaneous, and I want my partner to enjoy it too,” which struck me as odd - I can’t snap my fingers and suddenly change my enjoyment of or attitude towards a particular sexual activity.

I explained to Lucy that she was the one who told me a few weeks ago, with pretty stinging words, that our sex life was unexciting and unsatisfying for her, and that even after our list comparison exercise, the options for fixing this were clearly pretty limited, despite me being willing to give certain (monogamous) things a try. I told her that I now have all these ominous thoughts such as “is my partner ever going to be sexually satisfied by me? Is she going to end up resenting or cheating on me?” swirling in my mind, and that some kind of reassurance that these fears were misplaced or that we could work through this would really help me.

She immediately clapped back with “well what about me? What about all the things I’m having to give up?” That really got to me, and it reminded me of our previous conversation where she had basically showed no regard for my feelings with her constant nudging up against my boundaries. I felt myself getting angry and knew a shouting match would just make things worse, so I abruptly said goodnight and hung up on her.

Before I went to bed, she sent a barrage of texts, explaining that she was upset by the situation, that she wanted me to feel more “remorseful” because of all the things she now has to “suppress and keep in [her] imagination”. She also expressed that she felt “unappreciated” for having to bury her sexual desires for the sake of the relationship.

This sat really uncomfortably with me. Why on earth would someone need to feel remorseful for not wanting to risk their own mental wellbeing just …

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