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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Big-Ad8239 on 2024-10-12 14:58:10+00:00.
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/AccomplishedStop3830 in r/AmIOverreacting
trigger warnings: Possible Infidelity, Abusive relationships, BDSM dynamics, Divorce, Trust issues, gaslighting
mood spoilers: Somber
AIO Wife Contacts Ex, I Intend To Ask For Divorce - 28 Sep 2024
Throwaway, because for all of the reasons this is likely to be entertaining I don’t want this knowledge to be public.
I recently married my longtime GF (8 years) who I’ll call Amy. Important context. While we have been “together” that whole time, the first 5 years were not exclusive, did not live together, and for 2 years were 1200 miles apart though we made regular visits. When she and I first met, we were both married but in open relationships. My wife, myself and Amy’s husband were required to travel for extremely long periods of time, sometimes years, with minimal opportunities to return home (security contractors). Amy is an ER nurse. 3 months before she and I met, while her husband was home on a 6 month break she met a local cop, and started a relationship with him. We’ll call him Chris He introduced her to some pretty extreme S&M and BDSM, which she found she deeply enjoyed. Unfortunately, it rapidly escalated past anything even remotely healthy, and became abusive. This rapidly began to destroy her marriage and family, and despite her husband giving her an ultimatum she persisted.
I was unaware of the abusive / obsessive nature of her relationship with Chris until Amy’s husband told me. I had noticed that Amy was becoming increasingly erratic, but had no explanation. I broke it off with Amy. A month later she reached out saying she had realized how toxic the relationship was, that she had broken up with Chris, blocked him, and if I was interested would like to start seeing me again. I verified with her husband, then started sleeping with her again. This was still very much a booty-call level of relationship at this point. From that point on, over the next 8 years, we would become closer and closer and eventually marry.
However, about 4 years ago she mentions that he had reached out to her over some pictures she posted (unrelated), that they had a good conversation where he asked why she had broken it off with him, and they had both reached some closure. I noted that while I was glad for her, how could he have reached her if she blocked him? Her reply was that while she blocked his number she had forgotten to block him on IG. I let it go.
A couple years ago in a conversation with her friend, I find out that during a medical emergency some years back (but after she supposedly blocked him), that it had actually been Chris that she called to take her in to the ER and stay, not this friend. I confronted Amy, she said that when she told me she had “a friend” take her she just didn’t think to explain who exactly.
This has remained a VERY touchy subject for me, for all the reasons stated. We are also no longer in an open relationship, now that I have stopped travelling (among other reasons). We moved back to the area, in the same town that Chris was an officer in, about 2 years ago.
A few months ago, just before we married, she commented that I could be less touchy about Chris now that we are getting married, and after all he had retired and moved to Florida (we are in midwest). I asked how she knew that, and she stated that she read an article about his retirement. Because he retired as a Lt and the first K9 officer, that was barely possible but I was unconvinced and asked her point blank if she had been talking to him. She said no, point blank.
A week ago, I was reading an article about Belgian Melanois, and saw an article about Chris attending the retirement ceremony for his former K9. The ceremony was only 6 months ago, and would mean he was in the area until very recently. So I dug, and I’m good at it. Now I have all the dates, times, houses, etc., for the man. He retired 9 months ago, left for Florida right after the K9 ceremony. But there is no mention in any article of him moving, and there wouldn’t be since he moved well after retiring.
So I confronted Amy, and this time she says Chris reached out to her out of the blue via text and they chatted. When asked how that was possible if he was blocked, she said he had a new number. We had a big fight, and I’ve spent a couple days considering what to do.
Right now, I plan to confront her tonight. EVEN IF it is true that she forgot to block him on IG, why did she have a conversation when he reached out? EVEN IF she was confused and called him to go to the ER, why did she hide that from me for years? EVEN IF he texted her, randomly, after years, after he moved to Florida, using a new number, why did she have a conversation and tell him that she now lives in town?
My full intention is to ask for a divorce tonight. AIO?
EDIT:
For those who’ve asked for more info:
Her husband and I are still close. Let’s call him Dan. He is still working. The “more to the story” is that I had a really bad day that left me unable to keep traveling. As soon as I was home full-time, and more to the point laid up and not earning, my wife divorced me and tried to take the money and the kids. No need for details there, but I wound up with the kids and the money all got burned on attorneys. Amy had always been the one who had to stay home, so she and I started spending a lot of time together doing life things. Dan was glad to have someone he trusted with her and their kids, and despite me being half-speed he felt good having someone around to keep her from tangling with the too-bad crowd. Including Chris, which should have been a bigger red-flag than it was but I still hadn’t come out of that “king of the hill” mentality.
So the change was when I stopped traveling, Amy and I started living together, her husband Dan left permanently, I “adopted” her kids, and my wife divorced me, lost custody, and kept traveling (though her travels are all stateside).
Dan doesn’t have, and at this point doesn’t want, a romantic relationship with anyone. I’m sure he still has a list for finding relief, but he is allergic to any sort of permanent situation. While he would never be willing to (and I don’t want to) have me adopt his kids (they were 14m, 10m, and 8f when I met them, 18m, 14m, and 12f when I came home for good, and 22m, 18m, 16f now) he has given me power of attorney on their behalf and they all call me dad. So, there’s that.
And yes, I’m sure there are a lot of people who judge all of us for the choices and lifestyle we’ve made. But we are all human, and the things required of the people called on to do the things that we do lead to a lot, a LOT, of compromises. We make the decisions we do based on the things we know at the moment. Hindsight is only useful when you start looking forward again.
Comments:
Not overreacting. She’s trickle truthing you. She has no intention of cutting him out of her life and keeps trying to get you to be ok with this. Clearly you are never going to be ok with them keeping in touch so walking away is probably for the best. LINK
Once you have an open relationship, they never really close. Link
UPDATE: AIO Wife Contacts Ex, I Intend To Ask For Divorce - 29 Sep 2024
First thank you all. It seems pretty shallow, but the validation (and criticism) I’ve gotten from the original post really helped me externalize and get some perspective. Also; some of you all are hilarious, some of you are compassionate and thoughtful, and others made me appreciate that no matter how stupid I get somebody will find a way to outdo me.
Leading with the headline: I had the conversation, I told her I am divorcing her, it went as badly as expected. She and Chris have not been physical, but we got to the heart of the reason she has been in touch with him. I am exhausted, but feel like I have some clarity of mind and purpose I have lacked for quite some time. I’ll probably feel more chatty tomorrow, but for now that’s what I have.
EDIT:
More coherent update now that I’ve slept on it.
In another reply in the thread below I have my take on what she told me, and her reasons and I won’t repeat it all. And yes, this is my opinion and what I choose to put on here, and I’m sure if she were on here she would have some reason to explain how none of it is her fault.
Thinking about it, the pattern is clear. She even said as much herself, but we don’t always hear what we don’t want to hear. All of her “relationships” have come through our professional community in some capacity or another. She is attracted to the men in it, and the lifestyle (or at least this version of it). She married Dan because he’s exciting and dangerous, and mostly absent. She got to…
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Thinking about it, the pattern is clear. She even said as much herself, but we don’t always hear what we don’t want to hear. All of her “relationships” have come through our professional community in some capacity or another. She is attracted to the men in it, and the lifestyle (or at least this version of it). She married Dan because he’s exciting and dangerous, and mostly absent. She got to have the money, the kids, an exciting husband, near-total independence because he was only home maybe 3 or 4 weeks a year, and because of the circumstances she could also sleep around freely (so did Dan to be clear). This was fine until Dan spent an extended period of time at home. There was a lot said there about how unfair / unreasonable it is when one of us comes back home with zero idea of how things work, or why, and start acting as if our opinion of what home life should or should not look like needs to be followed. I get that, actually.
Long story short she was never and is not now interested in a “normal” marriage. She wants and enjoys the lifestyle she had, first with Dan and then with me. It ended with Dan when he came home and tried to “play house.” It ended with me when I came home long-term and tried to do the same thing. For that matter, that’s what ended my marriage with my first wife, me coming home and acting like I owned the place rather than an occasional visitor. Amy did enjoy the more “normal” life with me but also wants the old excitement. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. So she reached back out to Chris because she did like what they did until Chris went too far and Dan was about to leave home again (leaving her alone with Chris around). Bonus excitement for her at the time because she got to literally watch me confront Chris at our home and send him away. But things have changed since then and the new circumstances mean she can hook up with Chris and do much more extreme things than she does with me while also having me at the house to keep Chris in check. Only catch is that it’s no longer on the up-and-up, so she and Chris would have to sneak around (maybe that made it more exciting?) Almost works, but I clue in and realize they are in contact and unravel the whole thing before they have an opportunity to act on it.
More - Chris definitely scratches a sexual itch than Dan and I did / do not. Dan and I are similar in that we can and do enjoy some level of BDSM / etc., but as it escalates it becomes much too similar to work things we don’t want within a million miles of our homes. I’m happy to put the handcuffs on you and hold you down, but once we get to heavy impact play, cutting, or God help me CNC the level of “nope” is so high it could put me off for weeks. So yeah, Chris is a better lover than I am in that regard.
More - Alcoholism. I know my short reply last night while tired was pretty ugly. Yes, there is truth there but no, it isn’t that simple. I was quoting her, but a lot of what she said was intended to be hurtful. I appreciate the kind questions and comments.
I have tried medical marijuana, but it’s a terrible fit for me. It made me physically less coordinated, but also made me feel more alert. The combination takes me from a level of hyper-vigilance that already requires medication (and that I am slowly improving with CBT) to flat-out dangerous paranoia. So, hard pass.
For whatever reason, I have little reaction to local anasthetic so it’s difficult to treat the pain locally. The “solution” has been stronger meds like opiates, but since I don’t have a deathwish nor any desire to inflict a drug addicted dad on my children I left those behind completely at the very first opportunity. So now I take a crap ton of Ibuprofen (of course, right?), lidocaine patches (not particularly effective but better than nothing), Biofreeze, weekly massage therapy, and yes more nights than not I wind up drinking at bedtime in order to get to sleep.
I’ve gotten a lot of advice about this over the last few years, and a lot of suggestions. I don’t imagine anyone here has a better idea, but please feel free to make a suggestion. I’m 100% open to anything that works without turning me into a monster.
Comment:
That was for the best, it’s clear that she has lingering feelings tor that guy and it just a matter of time they meet LINK
Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.
Holy that woman is bad news. Shame about how the kids will react to all this volatility.
Apparently this is the storyline of some book series so presumably fake. If not though, what are these lives??
