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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-08-07 16:08:35.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Lalavandelatulipe
Ex-fiancée wants to catch up after he left me at the altar, how do I proceed?
Originally posted to r/Advice
TRIGGER WARNING: death of a parent, abandonment, infidelity and mentions of PTSD
MOOD SPOILER: Positive for OOP
Original Post July 19, 2023
Well exactly what the title states, also I’m writing this on mobile sorry for any formatting issues.
My (28f) ex-fiancée “Derek” (32m) disappeared the morning of our wedding 2 years ago, evading all attempts to reach him from myself and his family. It was devastating, absolutely soul crushing, the event turned into a party to distract from the pain of the unknown, afterwards I returned to our apartment and slept on the bathroom floor in my wedding dress. It was quite the ugly sight to be honest. His mother ended up coming to the apartment when she informed me tearfully that Derek had run off with an ex of his, they had apparently reconnected a week prior to wedding and he just couldn’t go through with it opting instead to rekindle his relationship with his ex. His family was horrified, I didn’t hear from him until 3 months after he left. He called me, apologised and then revealed that his ex had been hiding his child from him that he just found out about, he wanted to be with them. That’s pretty much all that was said, I didn’t say much, actually I think I only said “hello”. The whole situation left me numb, I just didn’t care anymore. Thankfully though my friends were and continue to be there for me, through all of this muck, they encouraged me to seek therapy and work on healing. Which I’ll be honest was terribly difficult, but after year I felt myself again.
Which brings me to today, after the this whole debacle and subsequent self improvement/rebuilding I moved to the UK (originally from Australia) for a change in scenery. Last night I got a message request on instagram, it was Derek. “Hey 👋🏻, I’ve heard you moved to Wales, that’s so cool, I’m travelling to Cardiff towards of the end of July. I’m deeply sorry about everything and I want to discuss what happened leading up to the wedding. I hope Im not overwhelming you, let me know if you’d like to talk over lunch.” Firstly, no idea who told him about my move. Secondly, I don’t know if I crave closure from him, but I also don’t won’t to decide to decline to only layer on regret my decision.
So I turn to you strangers of the internet, what should I think about before reaching a decision? Would be wise to decline or should I humour him and listen to his “reasons”?
Okay minor update: Wow, this garnered far more attention than I anticipated, so bare with as I try to navigate all of your advice. Although the general consensus is quite clear. I have learned that an old mutual friend of ours revealed where I moved, and evidently he’s been stressing that he needs to tell me something. For the time being I have decided to simply ignore his message, and work through any emerging feelings with my therapist. Thanks
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Sparky81
The ball is entirely in your court. Do you feel you need anything from him? Do you need an explanation or closure? You don’t really owe him anything so it’s entirely about what you want from this.
OOP replied
It sounds pathetic, but I guess I want to the why a bit more in-depth. Yet again learning it won’t change anything from the past, thus brings me to my conflicted state.
Update July 31, 2023
Hello everyone, I did update in my original post but I’ve decided to repost it here. So as I mentioned previously I decided to not respond to his message. A day after however, I received another message from him, which I won’t write out in it’s entirety. To sum it up for you all though, he apologised for how disingenuous his initial message was and explained why he had reached out to me. Essentially he wanted to discuss that week, that final week before our wedding and the events that led up to him dipping out. Now I will refrain from entirely delving into my exe’s and I’s past, but my ex-fiancé was diagnosed with PTSD with avoidant attributions from past experiences. His diagnosis did provide quite a bit of clarity looking back our relationship and his past behaviour, so I truly feel for him in his journey of self-healing. However, despite his struggles I still told him that couldn’t forgive him for his callous act of living me in a perpetual state of limbo for 3 months, unsure of why he had abandoned me. He said he understood. Now, and some of you will be quite mad with me, but I ultimately agreed to meet him for lunch and I do not regret it. He’s not with his ex, actually she passed away 6 months after he left me the alter, which is part of the reason why she reached out to him in the first place. Since then he has been working on himself through therapy, and navigating single fatherhood. Yes the child is his.
The lunch wasn’t too long, but it was all around, cathartic on both sides. At the end of the lunch, he handed over an envelope which contained the all money we spent preparing for the wedding. Honestly I was dumbfounded, it wasn’t a gesture I was expecting on his behalf, and I think he was taken aback when I returned the ring he gave me. It’s funny I held onto the ring just in case I needed to sell it if my finances continued to be unstable, but I never had to. Ironic that in the end I did receive money whilst seemingly trading that ring. He looks better, and not to toot my horn but I feel I do as well. Now that chapter has concluded and I no longer feel rage or remorse, I feel free. I feared that I might’ve still harboured feelings for him, but I have since found that I loved him for the man he was in that moment when we were together, and though we’re now apart I’m okay with looking back and acknowledging the love I had for him. I’ve closed that chapter now, with him, with the woman I was with him. Thank you all so much, any advice on what I should spend the money own? Haha.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP