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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/SciFiTime on 2024-11-02 20:33:19+00:00.

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“Humans are the galaxy’s worst-kept secret,” Captain Grikhan muttered, tapping his fingers on the command console.

The bridge of the Trinak’tar hummed with nervous energy, and for good reason.

The vessel, one of the most advanced in the Brallian fleet, had drifted perilously close to the solar system labeled by every interstellar map with an unsettling warning: Do Not Approach—Under Any Circumstances.

Lieutenant Gral, pale even by his species’ standards, shuffled awkwardly by the captain’s side. “Captain, I must ask again—why are we here?” His voice cracked, earning snickers from the junior crew.

Grikhan let out a sigh that sounded like an overworked steam vent. “Gral, I’ve got debts heavier than a Nebulon slug after hibernation.

 Rumors say there’s ancient tech drifting near Sol’s asteroid belt worth a king’s ransom. We get in, we get out, and we’ll be feasting on Cindorian pearls before the cycle’s end.”

Gral swallowed hard, his eyes darting toward the radar. It blipped frantically, sending a cold shiver down everyone’s spines. The humans had noticed them.

“Captain! A transmission!” A comms officer chirped, barely keeping his beak from trembling.

The message crackled, a voice thick with bravado and tinged with a drawl that made Grikhan’s skin itch. “Howdy there, unidentified spacecraft.

You’re trespassin’ on Earth’s front porch. State your business, or you’ll see what a Texan-style welcome feels like.”

Grikhan shot Gral a look that screamed regret. “Open a channel.” He cleared his throat, forcing a smile that no one on the other side would see. “Ah, esteemed humans, we come in peace! Just passing by on a, uh, scenic route.”

The reply was instant. “Scenic route, my thrusters. You’ve got five minutes to turn tail, or we’ll make scrap outta your shiny ship.”

Gral’s eyes bulged as he mouthed, “Five minutes?”

Captain Grikhan’s smile slipped, panic replacing whatever sliver of confidence he’d managed to muster. They had underestimated the humans’ infamous territorial streak.

Stories of Earth’s fierce defenders, dubbed ‘Space Rednecks’ by more polite circles, suddenly seemed far less exaggerated.

“Captain, what do we do?” Gral’s voice pitched, his fingers tapping an anxious rhythm.

“Divert power to shields,” Grikhan commanded. “And prep the warp core for an emergency jump. Let’s not stick around to see what these maniacs have in their toy chest.”

Just as the crew leaped into action, a new signal blasted across the speakers, so loud and twangy that half the crew winced.

“Y’all ever heard of space joustin’? No? Well, today’s your lucky day.”

Before anyone on the bridge could react, a swarm of metal blips appeared on the radar, charging straight at them with alarming speed.

Grikhan squinted at the holographic display, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

“Captain, those are shuttles. Old ones!” Gral sputtered, pointing a shaky claw at the screen.

Each craft was patched together with mismatched panels, painted in bright colors, and sported large, intimidating weapons strapped to the sides.

Most absurd of all, some had phrases painted on their hulls like Git Off My Lawn and Don’t Mess With Texas.

“They’re coming in hot!” shouted the comms officer, feathers ruffling in panic.

“Of course they are,” Grikhan groaned, smacking a palm to his snout. The humans were known for their love of absurd tactics. But this? Space jousting? He hadn’t seen that one coming.

Suddenly, the comms crackled with another voice. This one was deeper, with a slow, deliberate drawl. “I’m Captain Buck Wilkins of the Earth Defense League.

Now, you alien fellas done made a mistake, wanderin’ this close. So, here’s how it’s gonna go. Y’all line up nice and pretty and let my boys test out their shiny new railguns.”

The bridge fell silent. Grikhan and Gral exchanged a long look filled with sheer disbelief.

“Captain, are they serious?” Gral whispered, his voice barely above a squeak.

“Do I look like I know, Gral?!” Grikhan hissed back, jabbing at the console to bring up the tactical map. A sudden jolt rocked the ship as the first blast skimmed their shields, sparking alarms and sending a cascade of blue sparks across the bridge.

“They are serious!” shouted the weapons officer, fumbling to regain his balance.

“Right, enough of this!” Grikhan roared, suddenly channeling a burst of reckless defiance. “Redirect power to frontal shields. Let’s give them something to think about.”

Gral gaped. “You’re going to face them head-on?”

“It’s called a bluff, Gral! Ever heard of it?” Grikhan forced a grin that was more teeth than mirth. “They think we’re running. Let’s show them we’re not that stupid.”

The Trinak’tar turned with a grace that belied its size, facing the incoming Earth Defense League shuttles. For a heartbeat, silence reigned as both sides stared down the void between them. Then, a shuddering blast filled the air as the humans opened fire.

“Evasive maneuvers!” Grikhan shouted, gripping his seat as the ship spun in a stomach-churning arc. The first volley slammed into their shields, flashing in a burst of electric blue. The Trinak’tar groaned under the strain, lights flickering as the crew scrambled to keep the systems in check.

“Captain, the shields are holding, but not for long!” yelled Gral, his voice cracking.

“Open a channel to that Buck fellow,” Grikhan commanded, sweat beading on his brow.

The screen flickered to life, and there he was—Captain Buck Wilkins, leaning back in his seat with a cowboy hat tipped at an angle and an exaggerated grin on his face. Behind him, the crew of his ship whooped and hollered like they were at a space rodeo.

“Decided to chat, did ya?” Buck drawled, arching a brow.

Grikhan took a deep breath. “Captain Buck, I must say, your enthusiasm is… impressive. But we’re merely explorers, not invaders. Perhaps we can reach an understanding that doesn’t involve you turning us into cosmic confetti.”

Buck’s grin widened. “Oh, we understand plenty, alien. And we’re gonna give ya a head start. Ten seconds. Run fast.”

“Ten seconds?!”

“Tick-tock,” Buck said, waving a hand lazily.

“Gral, punch the warp drive!” Grikhan roared, slamming the emergency override. The crew collectively held their breath as the engines sputtered, then roared to life with a bone-rattling hum.

A final blast lit up the rear of the Trinak’tar, sending sparks flying. But it was too late for the humans—the ship burst forward into a streak of light, leaving behind only a faint echo of Buck’s voice shouting, “Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

Grikhan slumped back in his chair as the stars blurred past. The crew let out a collective sigh of relief, followed by nervous laughter.

“Captain, remind me,” Gral said, shaking his head. “Why did we ever think this was a good idea?”

Grikhan chuckled, the sound dry and hollow. “Next time, Gral, remind me to read the fine print on those star maps.”

Behind them, the echo of Earth’s defenders faded, but not forgotten.

The Trinak’tar cruised through the void at warp speed, leaving behind the chaos of their not-so-friendly human encounter.

The bridge settled into a tense silence, punctuated only by the rhythmic hum of the engines. Grikhan rubbed the spot between his eyes where a headache had formed. He couldn’t shake the vision of Buck’s grinning face and that absurd hat.

“Status report,” he muttered, voice rough.

Gral, still a shade paler than usual, flicked through the readings. “Shields at 23%, warp core holding but stressed, and we’re missing a rear stabilizer.” He paused, glancing up. “On the bright side, we’re alive.”

A low chuckle swept through the crew, relief creeping in like a cautious guest. Grikhan allowed himself a small, exhausted grin. “That’s the first good news all day. Gral, set course for the nearest friendly outpost. We need repairs, and I need a drink.”

The bridge door slid open, and Chief Engineer Brim stomped in, his gray fur bristling and eyes narrowed. “Captain, we need to talk about your definition of ‘scenic route.’ The warp core nearly imploded from that last stunt!”

Grikhan sighed, meeting Brim’s glare with the practiced weariness of a leader who knew when he’d messed up. “Point taken, Brim. Next time, we’ll steer clear of any system with a reputation for, well… ‘enthusiastic’ defense measures.”

“Enthusiastic?” Brim barked a laugh. “Captain, I thought I’d seen it all. But those humans? They play war like it’s a party.” The chief’s fur settled slightly, and he added, “Still, you did keep us from being turned into a debris field. So, credit where it’s due.”

Gral snorted softly. “I think I’ll pass on any future ‘tours’ near Earth’s space. Let’s keep our explorations in zones where we’re less likely to get challenged to a duel by ships named Space Wrangler.”

Laughter broke out across the bridge, tension evaporating with each chuckle. Even Grikhan’s rigid stance relaxed as he watched his crew unwind. They’d gotten out by the skin of their teeth, but they were alive and together, still sharing stories to tell and lessons learned.

The ship limped into the safety of Kallor Outpost, a bustling station known for its neutrality and a clientele that spanned the stars. The dockmaster, an elderly Vixtar with too many eyes and not enough patience, took one look at the battered ship and whistled. “Rough trip, Captain?”

Grikhan stepped dow…

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