This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-11-05 05:09:30+00:00.

I’ll never have to see her stupid face again, hear her call me himbo one more time, nearly get killed by mercenaries or criminals over something stupid. I’ll be free of Scout once and for all. After we get divorced of course. If that didn’t make any sense to you, same here. Now, onto the thirty year treasure hunt and buried treasure. 

By some medium size miracle when this started to go wrong Scout and I weren’t in a full sprint. It was more of a creaking feeling of dread, like a leaky tap of suffering.

“Just act normal. Don’t be suspicious.” I whispered suspiciously.

“Then stop looking over your shoulder every half second, himbo.” Scout whispered back. 

“Good God, if it’s your fault that I’ll get banned from the museum I’m gonna be the one to shoot you at the end of this month. None of the stuff here is even stolen, they have alien dinosaur skeletons, this place is awesome!” I whispered directly and percussively into her ear. 

“Shut up nerd.” Scout whispered back in my ear. 

“Oh, now I’m a nerd? What, I thought I was a himbo? Can’t choose, huh?  Pick one, horny.” I grabbed Scout’s horns and politely pushed her away. 

“Say the riddles again.” Scout laughed. 

I sighed, and I also swore. Swore that whoever made up the stupid riddle was now my mortal enemy and will one day get pants by my hands. “What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end and the end of every race?” I recited from a nonconsensual memory. 

“E.” Scout replied bitterly. 

“What starts from the same point, but one lives while the other dies?” I droned on. 

“Midday or midnight.” Scout pointed at the fancy stained glass skylight, it was near midday. 

 “What do men bargain for that can never be sold?” I groaned, finally done with that stupid riddle.

“Time.” Scout spun around like her hands wanted to touch everything in the museum. “Took us three tries, the last two times we nearly got killed, but we got there in the end!” Scout’s words echoed a bit too loud, the only person there was the janitor sweeping the floor. An older one of those lion looking fellows, with a few silver streaks of hair in his mane. He looked up and chuckled slightly at the two idiots before him and had a familiar look in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place. 

“Oh the joys of an adventurous youth.” He laughed in a deep rumbling voice.

“Sorry. Scout said awkwardly and scurried back to me. 

“Wait.” I whispered back, I pointed at a squad of people in a section ahead of us. They were ‘looking’ at one of the artifacts in a glass case, and by ‘looking’ I mean casing the joint. Trust me, I’ve broken into enough places to know the difference. Legally. Private investigator. “I don’t think we’re the first to figure it out.” I sighed. 

We slowly made our way to them and did our best to pretend they didn’t have guns and outnumbered us. We walked past them. A hand gripped my shoulder. I reached for my own gun, another hand stopped me. I looked over and saw the Scout also wasn’t able to take out her gun. We were turned around forcefully. 

In the middle of the six large guards was some tall Link like Scout. Dragon-like horns, charcoal black, and a leg sized tail, the same black. With long hair, but her eyes were different from the other Links I’ve seen. Instead of the usual whirlwind of fire as the color, it was a storm of the hues of gold and luxury. 

“What took you so long?” The golden eyed woman asked. We were let go, but the guards already rested their hands near their guns. We stood in front of her, she took away the option of running away screaming, how rude. “Where is it?” She crossed her arms.

“Where’s what?” I shrugged.

“You know us criminal types are friends with each other right? We have tea sometimes, I’ve been warned about you and Scout. I know even though you’re outnumbered and outgunned you’ll find some loophole, outsmart me, or convince my guards to turn against me. Which means you’re clever, so you probably know where it is. So, just tell me, I know you want to feel clever. We’ll even split it, three ways.” She stood her guards down. 

“Oh, okay.” I looked at Scout to make sure I was hearing it right. Scout looked confused but had no objections. “Oh! ‘E’.” I screamed. 

“Sorry about that, I think all the head injuries have finally gotten to Theseus.” Scout instinctively said. 

“We’re in the east wing of the museum right?” I looked up at the stained glass skylight and ran over to it. 

“Midday or midnight.” I continued and stood right below the skylight. “What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end and the end of every race? If we’re being technical ‘E’, we’re at the east wing. If I look east.” I turned east. I saw a giant alien dinosaur skeleton. 

“What starts from the same point, but one lives while the other dies? I mean, we’re on the same planet where the dinosaurs went extinct, but the Caelums didn’t. But that could also mean a day.” I watched the sun go to midday, and through the stained glass, and perfectly shone a light on the skeleton. 

“What do men bargain for that can never be sold? Time. I mean of course the treasure is at a museum! Think about all this stuff, paintings, artifacts, stories, whatever, it’s how we try to bargain. Humans, Aliens it doesn’t matter, we all do it, and a museum is a perfect place to prove it, how eventually it will all be lost to time.” I admired the skeleton. “Wait time. Time, oh freaking of course time!”

“The treasure hunt, it’s been thirty years, and it said that in the thirtieth year it could finally be revealed. We thought it was only one riddle, but it was actually three in one. We tried finding it in the clock tower, saw the sign for ‘The Midnight End Times’ and thought it was there in the basement that connected to the abandoned metro tunnels. We were wrong though, if we looked a little farther east we would have seen the museum at midnight, the lights in front of it shining on statues. Copies of ones almost lost to time. Don’t you see it?” I looked at the guards, the golden eyed woman, and Scout just slightly behind them. They stared blankly at me. 

“Did you hit your head again when I wasn’t looking?” Scout asked me. 

“Thirty years, three final riddles, three attempts, this is our final one. We had to make those mistakes, even the map that we thought was useless at the top of the clock tower, the tunnels were empty but the direction we took actually matched the map, now that I’m thinking about it.” I nearly jumped in excitement. 

I remembered the map, and finally walked towards the skeleton. I followed the exact route of the map just in smaller steps, until I was meant by a door, a perfectly ordinary one. With a clock right above it. I read the sign out loud. “East Wing Artifact Storage. Authorized personnel only.” I laughed. 

“Wonderful. You really are as smart as everyone says you are.” The golden eyed woman said. “Kill him quietly.” She lightly tapped her guards. I threw my hat at the nearest one. Seven silent gunshots briefly filled the air. Then loud swears, as the guards and golden eyed lady forcefully humped the ground with taser rounds sticking out of them. 

“Please, like you’d actually split the treasure with us. I just needed to distract you long enough for Scout to get behind you.” I smiled and picked up my hat. 

“So it isn’t true, the treasure still can’t be found.” The golden eyed idiot stuttered on the ground as all her muscles tensed. So incredibly and cosmically frustrated. 

“Actually, I was just making up crap at the start but by the middle…” I trailed off and looked at the door. “You want to pick the lock, Scout?” I asked.

“Please, I already did all the work today.” She laughed. I walked over and picked it in a few seconds. I opened the door to a temperature controlled room, with dark walls accentuated by the dim lights. It was well taken care of, but had all the makings of a dusty old library. Its walls lined with shelves and carefully tagged pots, paintings, cups and other wonderful things. 

When I opened the door, the light shone in it, pointing out a small, mostly unremarkable wooden chest on the floor. Buried as it were, not under dirt like I hoped for, but instead paperwork, old boxes, just as hidden as anything in the ground. 

“If I was going to hide treasure, the museum would be the perfect place. Hidden among numberless, priceless things. You could even work here to keep an eye on it.” Scout ran over to the box, as did I. 

“Oh the joys of an adventurous youth.” We heard a laugh in a deep rumbling voice. A man shaped shadow blocked the sun. We both turned around and saw The Janitor standing in the door frame. “Part time, the other half, treasure hunter.” I finally recognized the familiar look in his eyes, the same one Scout has, that I have, his spirit of adventure. So much for mortal enemies. 

“Well, you don’t happen to have the keys on that ring?” Scout joked and pointed at his massive key ring. He tossed it to us, Scout missed the catch, but I recovered. I noticed in the slew of modern keys, one single old bronze key. Scout finished taking off everything on the treasure chest. 

We both smiled at each other like five year olds. I unlocked it and slowly, nervously we opened it together. 

“So what are we gonna do with it?” I asked and sat back. Giggling to myself. Scout looked down at the chest full of jewels, gold, pearls, trinket, jewelry, and countless other things. She reached to pick something u…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1gjzafc/my_last_laugh/