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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/0wljolson on 2024-11-06 01:42:02+00:00.

I need preface this story with the fact that this happened when I was young. But it’s something that haunts me TO THIS DAY. Friends and family will not let me live down the trauma I have endured because of that stupid ape movie.

To set the scene, the year is 2001. After years in development and anticipation, Tim Burton’s reimagining of the classic “Planet of the Apes” has hits theaters. My father, who is a nerd for the monkey movies, takes 6 year old me to go to the first showing at our theater. This started as a good bonding moment: father and son, sneaking in snacks, watching angry monkeys together…but it slowly turned into something that hangs over me like a dark cloud… For the most part, I loved the movie because I was a huge monkey kid. For some reason, I really fucked with them…so seeing a movie that has talking monkeys enslaving humans was a rollercoaster for me. I remember thinking they actually got monkeys to to talk on camera because I’m dumb. My dad grew disappointed over the course of the movie, and even asked if I wanted to walk out. But I enthusiastically begged him to stay…and It was all fun and games until the end of the movie.

If you are unlucky enough to remember the details of this movie all these years later, let me give you a rundown: Mark Whalberg’s enslaved character, Leo, finally flies out of the Planet of the Apes and crash lands back on Earth. He has crashed in front of the steps of the Lincoln memorial and takes a look around. Everything seems fine, until he sees Abraham Lincoln has instead been replaced with an ape. Aperaham Lincoln. It’s not a cute ape by the way. it’s a menaced eyed, smirk having, dictator looking kinda ape. The way this entire scene was shot: the closeups of Ape Lincoln, the “shocking reveal” music, the fear on Leo’s face…it all sent this wave of primal fear throughout my body. So much so, that I just cried like a baby in the middle of the theater.

So for some reason, this movie triggered a new irrational fear: Abraham Lincoln. I could not knowingly look at, hear of, or be around anything Lincoln related. $5 bills. History book. Hell, even Lincoln Logs made me see the face of that damned dirty ape…I remember one time my grandma handed me a bunch of pennies and just walked away, and you would swear I saw a monster manifest before me the way screamed and sprinted out of the house. I was just terrified of him to a point that is hard to articulate.

Now that you know this, I can get to the meat and potatoes of this story. So the year is either 2003 or 2004. Everyone in my family is aware of this weird Lincoln fear and openly mocks me about it. We are on summer vacation, and the family gets the grand idea to go to Disney in Florida. I’m a kid so I obviously love Disney, and had a great time. But for some reason, my family thought it would be funny to drag me, the kid scared of Lincoln, into the one and only “Hall of Presidents” I remember thinking “yay another ride” but when we got inside, I was wondering why nobody was strapped into their seats. All I remember was being blissfully unaware as to what we were doing in this giant and dark room. I look at the stage, and I see shadows of someone but I assume it was someone getting ready to talk. Suddenly, everyone hushes as they prepare for their experience. The show is about to begin. All I remember from this point, was that a spot light turned on, and revealed a life size, realistic Abraham Lincoln robot. Before it could even move a single gear, I remember thinking the following: “he’s alive? He’s a robot? Is he going to walk off stage and come near me?” all in about 0.5 seconds. The he begins to slowly rise out of his chair, and open his mouth. Everyone else in the Hall of Presidents is looking in awe at Robot Lincoln, and they finally get to hear:

“FOUR SCORE AN-“ “GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Apparently my only response was to let out a blood curdling scream from the front row. A scream that resulted in a gasp from the audience that is forever burned into my memory. I then jumped out of my chair, ran down the aisle and towards the exit. I remember thinking I was the fastest kid alive, and i was going to be safe once I got out. I got closer and closer to the exit, but before I could get there everything just went black. To this day, all I remember was seeing Lincoln, and running…that, and waking up with several paramedics and my concerned family all kneeling around me, looking down at me. After it was established that I was okay, I was told that because it was so dark in the Hall, I didn’t see the ropes blocking off the open doors I was running towards. So when I did make it to the door, I was abruptly stopped by them. So pretty much, I was clothesline slammed onto the ground and knocked out cold…in front of hundreds of people. The whole incident resulted in the Hall of Presidents being shut down for the rest of the day.

While this is embarrassing as hell, I think this incident may have knocked the fear out of me…because if I’m being real, I don’t remember ever being scared of him after this.

TLDR: Tim Burton’s dumb monkey movie gave me a fear of Abraham Lincoln that spiraled into me ruining vacation for a lot of Disney-goers