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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-09 05:01:09+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CrapKidThrowaway

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA My husband was nicer to BFF than her own husband

Trigger Warnings: neglect, deaths of loved ones, pregnancy complications

Original Post: November 1, 2024

I’m writing this post because my best friend’s (Kate) husband (Bert) called my husband (Tim) an asshole. I have historically kept my opinion of Bert’s behavior to a minimum on the grounds that good friends say their piece once and then love each other through shit relationships. But I’m asking internet strangers to be the judge.

I am traveling for work. Kate is stuck at home (working) at 7 months pregnant on modified bedrest. Generally during the week I drop over once or twice to bring her family some dinner (Tim cooks extra portions once a week to share), cheer her up, read her oldest a couple of bedtime stories so that mom can go to bed early and get some sleep.

Bert works an office job. Stressful, I’m sure, but during her pregnancy he’s been working longer and longer hours (salaried, not overtime). She’s been sad and a bit lonely. Yes, I’ve suggested counseling.

With that for background, this evening she and I were texting - it was about 6ish - and she got a craving for a taco place near my house and, importantly, near Bert’s office. She says she asked him to grab her some on his way home. He says he’s not stopping. He’s got work at home and she should just door dash something close. This makes her extremely sad (she’s says irrationally sad, but you be the judge) because he used to surprise her with her favorite tacos and now he can’t be bothered.

As one does, I tell Tim. I’m 3 states away, so it was just part of our chat as I was getting back to the hotel and getting ready for a work dinner. I get back from dinner and Tim had gone and picked her up tacos, remembered the bag of things I’d collected for her and the kid that were in my car, and pulled a tuna casserole from the freezer (Bert hates tuna casserole). He dropped them off on the porch and just texted her that there were some things I wanted her to have.

Then Bert gets home. Did he bring tacos, coloring books or a good attitude? No he did not. He called Tim to tell him that he was an asshole for “showing him up.” Other colorful language was also used including some fairly sexist nonsense. He also texted me telling me to keep my husband away from his wife.

Tim did respond rudely when Bert called. Kate says he told Bert he was a failure as a human, a man, a father and a husband. Apparently that caused Bert to scream expletives so loud their daughter started to cry. Not good. Tim then hung up on Bert, blocked him, and texted Kate that if she needed someone in an emergency she knew where to call but he wasn’t putting up with her “shit husband” any longer.

It’s a giant cluster and I have no idea what’s going to happen. My husband feels bad things escalated so much, particularly since their daughter was crying. He feels like an asshole at the moment. Obviously Bert thinks he’s an asshole. I think he’s a sweet man.

What do you guys think?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on what Kate thought about Bert’s attitude toward Tim

OOP: She’s super pissed at Bert. It’ll probably blow over, but at the moment she’s extremely angry with him. She doesn’t think Tim meant any harm (except that of course the tuna casserole was a bit petty).

Could Kate stay with OOP and Tim?

OOP: She’s always welcome, of course, but I don’t think she’d move their daughter out of the neighborhood. I think they will work it out. She does love him, very much. That said, he’s at a hotel tonight and I don’t think that’s happened before.

Commenter 1: No good deed goes unpunished. That being said… You guys are way too involved in their lives. You’re cooking for them multiple times a week?

OOP: Yeah. She’s on bed rest. We have a meal train. I do Wednesday and sometimes Fridays. Her sister does 2 days. Several of her friends trade off the other days.

Is Kate able to stay with someone, family or friends?

OOP: Her daughter is at the sister’s house tonight (she has a daughter about the same age so they do this all the time). We’re going to rotate staying over until the night nurse can start, I think on Tuesday. They did have a part-time nanny, but that was the affair partner, so. Yeah. Her sister has been filling in since she was put on bedrest.

Update: November 2, 2024 (next day)

Not a happy update. The TLDR version is they are separating for unrelated reasons.

Original Post:

I apologize for screwing up the title last time. I was trying to be brief and wound up being wildly disappointing. My apologies. Hopefully this is more effective?
This update is shared with Kate and Tim’s permission. For reasons, Bert can go fuck himself.

Bert did email Tim this morning to apologize. Bert said he had forgotten I was out of town and he didn’t realize that Tim was dropping off the meal train food. It was a weird email for many reasons, but Tim responded politely if noncommittal. Tim hasn’t changed his view of Bert in part because of what happened between Bert and Kate this afternoon.

Bert also texted me to apologize, but I didn’t get his message until after I landed and by then everything else had happened. I’ve elected not to respond.

Bert went home around noon after staying at a hotel last night. Kate’s sister had taken their daughter to the park so Bert and Kate could talk it out. Short version is that Bert has been avoiding Kate because she’s not happy during this pregnancy.

I mentioned in a comment that Kate had been married previously and shortly after her first husband died she had complications in a pregnancy that forced her on bedrest. Unfortunately, her son didn’t make it. Her current pregnancy is bringing up a lot of painful memories and she’s scared she won’t be able to make it to full term. So, yes. She’s not as cheery as she was when she was pregnant with their daughter. It’s a difficult time.

Bert is frustrated and angry that she’s not happy, so he’s been staying late and ignoring her until she stops doing that. I know that sounds horrid, but I think they could have worked through those feelings. But as he was explaining how he felt, he said she should be glad her son wasn’t there because otherwise she wouldn’t have this life at all.

Yeah. That still knocks the wind out of me it’s so cruel.

She did talk to him about that statement, but the explanation doesn’t get better. In any event, for her that was just the end. She told him she was done, they can work out joint custody, but the marriage was over. She called her sister and she and her husband encouraged Bert to leave.

Currently, Kate’s not angry or sad or panicked. She’s just done. Personally, I’m surprised since they’ve weathered some fairly shitty things including infidelity (by him). But I guess that was the line? In any event, her DnD friends are over there for Saturday games night and they are eating waffles (she thought it was important for the internet to know that waffles are appropriate separation food).

In terms of her well-being which many kind souls were worried about, they have a prenup. The house is hers, his family property is his. I’m sure there will be a fight over custody, but she will be financially okay. In any event, she has family and friends who will help and support regardless of what happens.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wow. This guy is just…wow. I have nothing nice to say. I’m glad she’s getting out though. Who throws their wife’s previous miscarriage in her face? Just, no.

OOP: I don’t know if this is worse, but it wasn’t a miscarriage. She delivered. He was just too premature to survive. It was a horrible time.

OOP and her husband standing up for Kate

OOP: Pretty much. With an added bs of saying he wasn’t one of those “cucks” who would raise another man’s child like her friend’s husbands (2 of which are amazing step dads, so fuck him sideways). I’m choosing not to look up the origin of that insult tonight as I’m already so mad and jetlagged and not coherent.

Kate’s husband’s insulting statement about her deceased son

OOP: The explanation was he would never have dated her if she had a kid and she wouldn’t have changed careers. So basically she wouldn’t have her husband, daughter or her job if her son had lived. Plus, he insulted men who are step fathers with some sexist nonsense.

Commenter: 2: Of course he was previously unfaithful. Glad she’s kicked him to the curb. Sending good thoughts her way.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP