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The original was posted on /r/truscum by /u/Emergency_Island6914 on 2024-11-11 18:39:46+00:00.

I’ve been very careful over the past few years in considering whether or not I’m trans. There have always been signs. I’m female. As a child I put socks in my underwear to pretend I had a penis. I was a “tomboy” and wanted my hair to be short. Puberty was a bit of a blur but I just remember feeling “fat” and depressed. I recently found my old blog from when I was in middle/high school and there were posts about wishing I was a boy, wanting to cut my hair shorter, feeling that I was a boy in a girls body, etc.

I pushed all of that aside in my early 20s and really made an effort to be the best woman I could be. I learned to do makeup, grew my hair long, I would copy other women’s mannerisms. Because for a long time I didn’t feel normal and people didn’t see me as normal. I just conformed to what I thought was expected of me. But it didn’t make me happy.

More recently, since the pand*mic, I’ve been having those feelings again. Really envying trans men. I look at my life as a woman and I don’t see a future for myself. Just a bleak fog. But I look at myself as a trans guy and it gives me hope? At the same time I compare myself to cis guys and it breaks my heart that I will never be able to be a male. Then I look at my body and feel disgusted by my curves. And like nothing I ever do will make me feel comfortable in my body. It’s easier to not pay attention to my body at all.

But the worst dysphoria is sexual. I never could enjoy sex as a woman. I was a virgin until I was 21 and even after having sex frequently it never felt right and I could never orgasm. I hated attention being given to my body. Guys would touch my chest and it just ruined the mood for me. And when I was on the receiving end of oral, it felt odd to look down at my own anatomy. I once told a guy I was with to “suck it like a c*ck” and that was the only time I got any enjoyment out of oral.

And lately I’ve been discovering things about my sexuality that I feel have always been there but I repressed. I love watching videos from a male POV. And I imagine I’m the guy. It’s to the point now that I always think of myself as a male when m*sturbating.

That’s not to say that I don’t have any social dysphoria. It’s weird when people call me a woman and address me in a group as “ladies” or “girls”. That always felt weird but I didn’t know why. I’m a bit used to it just because I am an adult and I’ve been addressed that way my entire life. But I feel good when I’m called a guy, and he/him. Also, you know how your ears perk up when you hear your name? Lately the name Alex has been making my ears perk up like that.

I know this was longwinded, but is it a red flag? Could this be more of a fetish than actually being trans? Thanks guys.