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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-15 05:00:03+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/understand004
My fiancé [25 M] lied about speaking Korean fluently to me [24 F] for 3 years. I don’t know what to think.
TRIGGER WARNING: racism, verbal abuse
Original Post June 9, 2016
I’ve been with Jimmy for three years now, we first met in college and we pretty much instantly hit it off, I’m full Korean while he’s half Korean even though he doesn’t look like it at all. I was slightest disappointed when I found out that he didn’t speak Korean. Pretty much everyone in my family speak its so more than anything I thought it would be a issue but it wasn’t.
He told me that he didn’t know it but he was studying it which I thought was a nice gesture. He met my parents for the first time and they speak English but prefer not to speak it much. My parents complained to me pretty much the entire night and even bad mouthed him quite a bit because of his actions and not understand.
I didn’t know at the time but I really defended and although most dinners at my parent’s house were them being fake nice to him, I tried my best to stick up for him. The first time my parents met his dad and his sister, they spoke very poorly of them it was downright insulting. His dad had some pretty rude/weird behavior that was frowned upon.
I would always talk with my parents on the phone while we lived on campus often on speaker phone and Jimmy would just kind of play dumb. Even with my friends, many of them were very rude to him after I told them he didn’t understand it.
He proposed to me at our favorite park 3 months ago in Korean and I was so blown away by it. I thought it was the sweetest thing in world, I cried for joy and happy accepted I was so proud of him.
Fast forward to last week, one of Jimmy’s old time friends had returned from his assignment over seas and met us for dinner, really nice and respectable guy. And he talking and just full blown starts speaking in Korean to Jimmy and I’m taken back, “Oh he doesn’t know much he’s still learning.”
The guy scratches his head and goes, “Jimmy is the guy who helped teach me Korean what are you talking about?” And at first I didn’t know what to think. I was relieve and excited that Jimmy actually knew it but the more I thought about it the more angry I became.
When I confronted him about why he didn’t tell me sooner, he said that when he mother passed on his 18th birthday he stopped speaking all together and just started telling people he didn’t understand it. He said that it reminds him of her. Which is understandable but I don’t know if I can accept something like that.
When I told my parents, my dad was overjoyed while my mother had a panicked look on herself as she recalled all the nasty things they said about him and his family in front of them. My dad seemed to brush it off and fully understood Jimmy’s reasoning for not speaking it anymore but I don’t know if I can be so forgiving.
I feel like he’s been secretly spying on me for the past 3 years, he lied to me about it. Even my friends, he treated everyone so kindly even though they all at some point talked bad about him.
I don’t know if he’s noble and romantic or if he’s just been using it to his advantage. Our relationship is otherwise perfect and it seems like such a silly minor detail to get upset over but I don’t know.
Any outside perspective or in put?
Am I wrong for not letting this go so lightly?
I think he should have told me way sooner.
TL;DR: I found out through an old of my fiancé that he actually speaks and understand Korean fluently despite him telling me that he was learning it. I feel relief yet betrayed and deceived. I don’t know if I should let this go or what.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
carocat
Your parents and friends were acting rudely. They should apologise to him and hope he’s happy to forgive.
As for you - you’re in a relationship for three years yet never took an interest in how his Korean studies were going or tried to have a conversation with him to practice what he’s learned?
OOP
Not really, I would say little phrases here and there and he would respond according for the most part.
I never actually sat down with him because I mean everyone says they’ll live a language some day I didn’t think he would actually stick with it.
He always “studied” on his own time.
~
anotherkitty
I can understand being upset about being lied to, but I think what you’re feeling is probably a lot of embarrassment about how your parents and friends acted.
Sometimes people who are bi-racial are used to not being accepted by one or both sides of their cultures. No matter what he does, to some people Jimmy will never be Korean enough, even though that’s part of who he is. You need to understand this, because if you have kids and they look a little like him, they might be treated like Jimmy one day too.
Don’t you wonder how your boyfriend was able to sit through all that abuse and not say anything? And why he would still be with you after all that. If anything, he has a right to be mad and judge you for having these kind of people in your life. But maybe he is a calm enough person to know that when people say bad things about you, it shows you more about their character than yours. Or maybe (sadly), he has seen this kind of negative and judgmental behavior before from other relatives. I suspect that this might be the case. He is used to people judging him because they’ve judged all his life and he has learned to just brush it off.
Like I said, I do understand feeling upset that he was completely honest with you. You want to be in a relationship with someone who is able to trust you. And three years is a long time. However, I can understand where he’s coming from too.
Talk it over. See if you can use this to come to a deeper understanding of each other. Maybe you can use this to become a stronger person who can stand up to your relatives and friends more. Or be a better example at least. And maybe you can have a better understanding of his heart and character. This may put a distance between you, but you can also choose to let it draw you closer.
OOP
I’ll admit a lot of my feeling is embarrassment after that dinner when we got back to our apartment I looked him in the eyes and cried like a little baby.
I didn’t really know what to say or do and the only thing in my mind was how shitty my friends and family were to him and how he would face them over and over again willingly.
You make good points and I do think I’m being selfish trying to make this about me when it should be able him or us. I want to see it in a positive way and use it to bring us closer.
I guess I’m just like my parents when I say I have this small doubt in the back of my mind preventing me from doing so wholeheartedly.
Update June 16, 2016 (1 week later)
First I want to say that I admit I was totally wrong for trying to make this about me, and I realize my parents and friends as well as myself were all horrible people which I agree with.
I spoke with Jimmy same day I posted the thread, I actually invited him over to my parent’s place for dinner but before that I stopped by his parent’s house to apologize to him, his dad and his younger sister for everything because I felt so embarrassed and horrible. I apologized profusely to his dad, who did nothing but laugh.
His dad was beyond understanding and actually spoke Korean quite well himself, he actually laughed saying that he understands why my parents were the way they are. He even told me about the story of when he first met Jimmy’s mom’s parents in Korea and how much she warned him about their behavior. He said that she explained it to him and he understood and was able to respect where their concerns were coming from in terms of wanting to preserve their language and all heritage
He told me it started off rocky, but they shut up so fast when he surprised them and spoke it fluently. He said his relationship with her parents now stronger than ever especially since she past away and he calls them twice a week just to chat. He said that when he heard that I stuck up for Jimmy he was proud of me even though he never said anything.
Jimmy’s sister she’s only 12 but is super sweet and mature for her age, she said that when Jimmy started dating me was the day he started teaching and talking to her in Korean again, it was really precious the way she described it. His dad teaches/talks her as well but she really likes when Jimmy does it.
As for Jimmy and I we been working together to resolve our communication issues and we’ve spent a lot of time talking all about us.
I admitted all my concerns and he addressed them one by one and told me exactly what I needed to hear. He apologized for keeping it from me for so long and told me that he didn’t do it maliciously.
He just didn’t want to associate Korean with the negativity that my parents and friends brought. Which I find is extremely understandable. He said he regarded the language as something pure that …
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1grot8b/my_fiancé_25_m_lied_about_speaking_korean/
He just didn’t want to associate Korean with the negativity that my parents and friends brought. Which I find is extremely understandable. He said he regarded the language as something pure that him and his mother often shared together, that he didn’t want to engage in with my parents and friends. He admitted that it probably sounded silly, but I understood him on an emotional level.
He told me about how close him and his mom were (We had never talked this in-depth about it before) and I cried like a little baby because I could tell how much he loved and missed her.
He told me that she always teased/warned him about the complications of marrying a full blood Korean while he was a teenager and he didn’t truly understand until he met my parents and friends. I even found out that Jimmy was born and lived in Korea for 12 years.
I feel like our relationship is stronger as ever, my doubts and worries are gone and we’re going to be a lot more open with one another. I’m ashamed I ever tried to doubt him. He has been speaking Korean to me a lot more exclusively since I’ve apologized to him.
Most probably won’t understand but he took me to see his mother’s grave and it was probably one of the most touching moment I’ve ever had with him. I kneeling beside him listening as he told her about me basically how he knew he had found the person he would make new memories with and how he would have to go back on a promise. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life, I couldn’t even stop.
We had dinner with my parents on Tuesday and Jimmy spoke to them in Korean for the first time and my parents apologized for their tongue.
I think I didn’t make it as clear as I should in my original post but after I defended him they cut back significantly.
Jimmy apologized for their years of disappointment teasing them for their original concerns. He told them a little about his mom and when he told them his mother’s maiden name my father’s eyes lit up. He didn’t really go into detail but he think he might have known of her family. It made him extremely chatty and open, I’ve never seen my father so excited to talk to someone before in my life.
Jimmy also brought up that his family are planning a trip to Korea this Summer and he offered to pay for all of us to come with them. My parents haven’t been back in years and they happily accepted his offered.
Jimmy is wonderful really, I’m lucky to have him and I’ll never let him go.
Thanks for the advice.
EDIT: Jimmy’s apology to my parents for years of disappointment was in a joking manner, not something sincere. It was meant as a joke and everyone laughed about it. Sort of like breaking ice or easing the tension in the room
TL;DR: Apologized to Jimmy and his dad and sister. Learned about Jimmy’s mother and a bit about his past. He’s decided to speak Korean more. He forgave my parents and even is offering to bring them to Korea with his dad and sister near the end of the summer. All around everything worked out perfectly.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
fixelurgamebliz
This is all fine and good, but still your parents and friends who talked shit are pretty bad. Luckily your fiance is actually Korean enough and we don’t need to belittle him to his face! Wee?
OOP
My parents and friends are very bad for talking shit in Korean when they thought he couldn’t understand.
I realize the magnitude of their actions and I’ve even told Jimmy that if he wanted us (or just himself) to go low or no-contact with them then I would total support and understand.
I think my first post exaggerated the number of times they did then after I defended him the first time, they cut back significantly.
If Jimmy is willing and able to forgive them then I’m just going to leave it at that, no point in me forcing a issue that he doesn’t seem concerned over.
He’s a much better person than myself for sure, because I would hold it against them. But, Jimmy values family bonds quite highly and he wants to have a relationship with my parents and he wants me to keep a good relationship with them as well.
As for my friends, I’ll be cutting many of them out of my life.
~
DonnyPunani
I’m sorry, but I have to ask- how is Jimmy so forgiving of your parents? It seems like they were being downright shitbags to him for absolutely no reason. Is that the custom or something? Don’t speak our language, we’ll just talk shit behind your back?
OOP
“I’m surprised Jimmy could forgive your parents, but he’s a better man than I am. I’m just a little upset at my own culture’s exclusivity/superiority complex, it’s just so annoying at times.”
I feel the same way and honestly Jimmy is one of a kind I feel like in terms of forgiveness. But, after talking to him about his mom and family I realize that he regards family very highly and doesn’t believe in cutting times over insulting behavior.
He told me that his grandparents are guilty of this superiority/exclusivity complex that my parents seem to have had.
All I can say is that we’ll try our best to break this cycle at least with our direct families. And I’ll teach my further kids the importance of respect regardless of appearance or race or tongue.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
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even if you don’t speak the language you can read the room. Jimmy would have known regardless. Still I’m shocked he didn’t say he understood but couldn’t speak it. Regardless OP family and friends blew up on him for not knowing the language??? What jerks. Doubt i would forgive them.
