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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-15 05:29:31+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Complex_Life9849. She posted in r/Marriage
Thanks to u/diddyk2810 for the rec!
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.
Mood Spoiler: happier ending
Original Post: October 22, 2024
My (30F) best friend (29F) just recently lost her husband, home, car, and all income. Her husband suddenly passed and was the only one working while she stayed at home with her 1yo twins and 4yo.
They had nowhere to go, so we took them in until she can save up enough to get an apartment. There was no life insurance.
My husband isn’t happy that they are here. He has told me that he does not like my friend at all, that she has taken me away from him and has taken his home away. He is paranoid that she is stealing our things when we aren’t home and wants to put locks on our bedroom and office doors, as well as put cameras in them.
Today my friend went into our room to smoke a cigarette on our patio to take a second away from her kids when we weren’t home. She called me to tell me that she was going onto our patio, and my husband started freaking out. Now he says he feels like he needs to get an apartment, that he doesn’t feel safe, he doesn’t have a place in our home that they don’t have access to.
It breaks my heart that he hates my friend so much when she hasn’t done anything, she’s just going through one of the toughest times in her life. But I don’t know if I am being too trusting of my friend and inconsiderate of his feelings, or if he is being too paranoid.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: I think there needs to be discussion of a timeline for when she is leaving. he agreed to take her in in the short term. (at least that is the impression I got reading this). So he needs to chill a bit a about them living in his space. That being said, suddenly having another woman he doesn’t like and 3 kids in the house is understandably not awesome. I think the solution is to set a timeline for when she is leaving. help her find a place, as her friend, but stick to the timeline.
OOP: (downvoted) The agreement was a “medium term” stay - 8 months to get her kids into daycare, get a job, save up for a car and home. I do think it was a mistake to not have a solid move out date set for her. Definitely time to set that. She’s only been here for a month now.
OOP answers some questions:
I agree that she should not have gone into our bedroom while we weren’t home and I need to re establish these boundaries with her immediately. I have no problem with him putting the cameras and locks up if this makes him feel better, even though I will be talking with her. I don’t have the option to be too afraid to talk to her, my husband is my priority over her feelings.
Daycare/job:
She is waiting to get approved for government daycare assistance but yes, she is actively looking for work and daycare. She’s only been with us for 1 month.
The office door is always locked and she has not gone in there at all, and she has not gone into our bedroom besides that one time. I guess that I’m aware of.
Commenter: If you are in the United States the children would be eligible for Social Security benefits. You should encourage your friend to apply for those if she hasn’t already. Your friend and her children may also qualify for Medicaid health benefits too.
OOP: She has been applying for everything possible, I will make sure she also has applied for these. Thank you!
Commenter: This OP: how long are they already in your home? Who is paying for food, diapers and the very important cigarettes?
Are you so sure your husband is not right and she is snooping everywhere where she should not snoop… when you live with friends you get to know them… why do you not let your husband put up camera’s? Are you afraid he is right and do you not want to stand up against your friend/for your husband? And if your husband is wrong he wil be reassured.
Look it is a lousy situation for your friend to be in, but this is bc of choices her husband and she made… she has to get her shit together ASAP for her kids sake… there is leaning on someone and taking advantage of someone…
OOP: She has been here for 1 month now. She is getting government assistance for food and diapers. We have a stash of cigarettes we’ve been giving her because we don’t smoke and a common gift from my husband’s family when they visit from overseas are cigarettes.
I have known this woman for 15 years, and I wouldn’t for a second think she would steal from us. There is no way for me to know 100% unless we put cameras up, which we will be doing. We already have cameras in the front yard, back yard, and living room.
It’s not that I’m not letting him, I did think it was just a bit excessive. We can put locks and cameras up. I disagree on this situation being her fault, but I 100% agree she needs to get her life together for her and the kids. But it takes more than 1 month to do that
Commenter: Not to mention that her [OOP’s] husband is Chinese - which means other culture, other way of dealing with things (they are known to be very reserved comparing to Occidental people).
And, from OP’s post history, it seems that their home is a constant shelter for any friend of hers. I’d be freaking out too if I had gotten married and ended up running a shelter for people, not being able to be with my family - and my family only - for some time. And we’re not even talking about all the other issues here (who’s paying the bills, who’s buying food for all of them, how even your very own bedroom is all of a sudden occupied by someone else…).
OP has to make a choice. Does she really want to be married? It seems to be the female version of the “my husband got married but is still behaving like he’s single” story.
OOP: Yes, he is Chinese. Our home has not been a constant shelter, although I do need to be better at saying no to my friends in need. She is the second person to stay with us. The first friend was a disaster, and I won’t make that mistake again. He was 100% on board with helping my current friend out. Her situation is heartbreaking, especially for her children. We did not want them to be homeless. There are a lot of details about their story that is just so fcking sad. She has no bills and she gets government assistance for food and diapers. Our room and the office are off limits, and I will be re establishing these rules and boundaries today. She cannot and will not be allowed to do what she did again.
I disagree that I am acting single. We both agreed to help a family in need. But it’s hard and I am realizing I need to be more firm with her. But I cannot read the mind of someone who tells me there is no problem until 1 month in.
Commenter: It’s his home too. Was he even part of the decision?
She needs to find her own place. She can’t stay with you forever.
OOP: We discussed the decision for a few weeks before letting her move in. We were both 100% on the same page at first, until now. It’s obvious that she cannot stay forever. She has only been here for 1 month.
To another commenter:
He was at first. We were both kind of excited to have the kids here, since we have been trying for children for over a year. We discussed her moving in extensively before allowing her to, and he was 100% on board.
To a third commenter asking if he had a say:
He did, he’s the one that originally brought it up. 🩷
Commenter: Why is she not staying with family?
OOP: She has no reliable family. Honestly it breaks my heart that absolutely no one on her side OR her husbands family has helped or even reached out in their own. I’ve known her for 15 years and it’s always been that way. She was staying with her grandparents in another state for a few months, but they are elderly with a lot of health problems and it became too much for them to handle in a 2 bedroom condo.
To another commenter:
Her family is…horrible. Her mother was in prison when she graduated high school, and her father kicked her out at 17 for not dropping out of school to care for his new child. It’s very sad.
His family:
They were no contact with his family even before he passed, unfortunately.
She’s taking advantage of you:
She is not taking us for granted at all. She keeps the house clean, cleans up after herself and her children, has assistance for groceries and diapers, waiting to get approved for other assistance. This is the only problem we’ve had with her in the month she’s been here. Her situation is heartbreaking especially for her 3 children. If it was just her we would have said no. My husband and I were on the same page with letting her stay. We agreed to 8 months, but I do agree that we need to set a specific move out date
Commenter: Did you agree with your husband for her to stay for 8 months? Why save to get a car? She needs deposit for house rental… she doesn’t have a job. Who wil…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1grpay4/my_husband_and_i_took_in_my_best_friend_and_her_3/
Some of these comments lack empathy.
Commenter: Did you agree with your husband for her to stay for 8 months? Why save to get a car? She needs deposit for house rental… she doesn’t have a job. Who will help with child care. I think you entered this in good faith but it’s such a burden to take on!
OOP: Yes, my husband set the 8 months timeline. She will need a car to get herself to and from work, as well as her children to and from daycare. Public transport where we are is nonexistent. She’s rebuilding from 0, it’s gonna be hard!
Commenter: 51% percent of Americans have life insurance so it’s actually more than half. It’s very kind of you to help, but again, them not being prepared for life to happen is not your responsibility. You must pick your poison.
OOP: Agreed. But my husband and I cannot in good conscience let 3 babies be homeless because of their parents bad decisions.
[editor’s note- more than half of the comments OOP responded to were people making things up based on their own experiences or assuming things. If you have a specific question or scenario, OOP probably answered it, but there were too many comments to include them all here. I tried to only include the ones that were asked the most and had the most upvotes.]
Update Post: November 8, 2024 (17 days later)
This update is a few weeks overdue, but a lot has happened. It’s so hard to fit every single detail of a situation in one post, especially while trying to respect my friend’s privacy while going through such a rough time.
But I took a lot of y’all’s advice. I apologized to my husband and asked him what boundaries he has and what needs to change for him to feel more comfortable. We did have this conversation before they moved in, but things are so different than expected. I realized that I was putting my friend before my husband and it was a harsh wake up call.
My husband wasn’t thinking about leaving me but he was definitely unhappy. I am glad we had this talk because we have been a lot happier being on the same page. Well we sat down and talked to my friend, and it went great. She apologized for going into our bedroom when we weren’t home and agreed that it was unacceptable and will not happen again. I told her the bedroom and study were off limits, no exceptions. Her children need to keep their toys in the playroom we made for them and not downstairs so they aren’t taking over the entire house. She agreed to these things completely.
We changed the door locks on the two rooms, as well as added cameras, and a safe for valuables. Most importantly we told her she needed to get a job and her children in daycare asap, and gave her a hard deadline of April 1st. She took the whole conversation really well and said she needed this to happen so she could get out of her sadness and start building her life for her and her kids. 5 days later she got a job and found a daycare for her children. It’s been a complete switch in the energy in the house. My husband and I are spending more time alone in our home together and all of our set boundaries have been respected.
To everyone that said they’d never take in their friend and 3 kids: that is exactly why she has nowhere else to go. No one said yes. It’s been rough on everyone but my husband and I are confident in our decision to help, even more so now that we both feel listened to.
He has also worked on his anger towards said friend and feels more at ease while talking to her and existing in the same space. It also helps that he sees she is taking our rules and deadlines seriously and acting accordingly.
Reddit obliterated me, and while I don’t agree with kicking her out, I appreciate the brutal ness that made me realize I was not backing my husband the way I vowed to.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: Children in daycare? You are delusional - she cannot afford that.
OOP: No she can’t! She has assistance and found an in home daycare that is working with her. She still has to pay some, but it’s a lot more manageable
Her smoking:
Her smoking isn’t my concern, if I put my energy into micromanaging everything she does I’d go insane. She got her children in a daycare and got a job, I’d say she is getting her shit together!
Commenter: Yikes April? She should be out of there way before then!
OOP: 6 months to start from scratch is almost not enough time! We are happy with the move out date 🙂
Commenter: I don’t know if I said it in the other post or not, but keep in mind that if you let someone stay in your home, you will have a hell of a time getting rid of them if your friend suddenly decides she doesn’t want to leave.
OOP: I’m not sure how much these will actually help, but we did create a written contract with the rules and move out date that we all signed. Maybe it won’t really hold up in court, but it’s something.
Commenter: So glad things worked out. Friend needed some boundaries too.
OOP: Yes! I was so stressed about having too many ‘rules’ I didn’t even think about the fact that it’d be so helpful for her as well.
Commenter: Thats good yall had the talk. I definitely couldn’t take in someone and their three kids. But one thing for sure, and she should have definitely known this, is you never go through the owners bedroom. That is like a sacred area. My parents never told me that as a kid but I’ve always thought that. It’s the one area in the house you do not enter without permission. No idea what she was thinking going in there.
OOP: Her kids just lost their dad and don’t fully understand it. They have meltdowns sometimes, and at the worst they all have a meltdown at the same time. She was desperate was a safe space for herself which I can understand, but she can’t compromise our safe space in the mean time. Go out back or front and lock the door, lock the bathroom door…etc. Motherhood seems intense 😅
Commenter: You did well considering taking in a single mom with 3 kids, we need more ppl like you and your husband, ppl who don’t get scared to sacrifice their comfort over someone else’s living. I am hundred percent sure, all the good deeds you do to those kids and mom will come back in 100x more. You never know what is life planned for you. Once my parents took in a woman with 6 kids, 2 own child and 4 adopted, where husband tragically lost his life. Since then i have 6 more siblings, i am grateful to Allah for them.
OOP: It was not an easy decision to make and even more not easy living in it. But my heart broke as I witnessed them jump from house to house and have no idea what was happening or when they would see their dad again. My husband and I are fighting a fertility battle, so in a way I took all of my sadness of not being same to conceive and poured it into the three little ones. The experience we’ve gotten to prepare us for parenthood has been irreplaceable, and the love I have for them is deeper than I could have ever expected. I truly hope that my husband and I made a difference in their lives, giving them a place to be stable and safe. Our discomfort has a checkout date - theirs doesn’t. Thank you for sharing your story with me!
[editor’s note- marked as concluded since things are improved and the initial question OOP had was answered and solved.]
