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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-16 05:00:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/atlaslady
My boyfriend’s [26M] optimism and immaturity almost destroyed me [25F] financially. I cut him off and now he feels abandoned. Is there any hope he’ll grow up or am I being the immature optimist now?
Trigger Warnings: job loss, emotional abuse and manipulation, financial fraud/exploitation
Original Post (unddit): August 11, 2016
My boyfriend and I started dating in July of 2014. He is the biggest optimist in the world and lived a pretty cushy life as the only child of divorced parents. We both lived separately and had jobs that covered all our bills and then some; he bought an expensive sports car, gaming computer, and purebred dog (important later). He was in school, while I had graduated a year before and started work at my first big kid job. Life was great, and the first six months were some of the happiest times of my life.
The first week of January 2015, he was wrongfully terminated from his job - a new supervisor was on the warpath to replace everyone on BF’s shift with his friends and waited until the new year, after the holiday rush was over, to start cleaning house. Government sided with BF during the unemployment claim, and BF started receiving benefits. He decided to focus on finishing school instead of looking for more work.
This where the cracks started. He was supposed to graduate that May, but he failed a class and couldn’t, so he had to go to school in the summer. In June, his savings ran out and he could either afford his car payment and insurance or rent. His lease was up at the end of July, so I agreed to pay his rent and he could move in with me in July and finish school.
He found out weeks before he was supposed to graduate that he needed one particular elective to get out. He had to go to school that fall, too. I demanded he get a job to help with expenses, as I wasn’t planning on having to support him for so long. A month or two, fine. Six months? No.
He got a job as an insurance agent for an extremely reputable company at the end of July. Turns out this job is commission-based… being the optimist he is, the manager’s talk of being able to make unlimited amounts of money drew him in. I paid for him to take the certification tests he needed to work, and he started trying to build a client base selling structured financial products. He made and makes nothing. He’ll have a $700 payday for a small close, then nothing for months. He’s out there busting his ass every day, but building a financial client base from scratch without any family privilege or existing networks is ridiculously hard.
In Sept 2015, we downsized from my fancy downtown apartment to a POS house on the edge of the ghetto. I paid the security deposit and double rent at both places for a month as that’s how the lease overlaps worked out, totalling about $3500. By November, my savings was almost gone and I had to liquidate shares of my family trust (on which I took a penalty, as my grandfather did not want us to access it before age 25) to get us by. By Dec, I had $300 in savings and nothing left in my family trust. I had spent about $17k since July supporting us, his job (he needed money to take clients out for lunch and coffee), his dog, and my dog.
Since September, we had been having recurring fights about money and chores. I expected him to pick up 90% of the housework as his way of paying me back. He never shaped up on either front. He just kept repeating to me the same things that his manager said to him to draw him in: “It’ll get better. Everyone struggles at first. If you hang on, you’ll make it. Once I make it, we’ll be rolling in it.” Every time we had a fight. Every. Time.
Two weeks before Christmas, we had this fight again and I demanded he do something other than feed me bullshit inspirational quotes. I left the house in a rage and drove to buy cigarettes. I was thinking of who I should text and ask to crash for the night when I got angry. Fuck no, I’m not crashing on someone’s couch while he lives on the house I pay for, sleeps in the bed I pay for, and eats the food I pay for. I returned home and gave him 10 days to pack his shit and get out. He moved into his Dad’s house, and I spent Christmas morning chilling with my dog and returning his presents online.
We started hanging out again in January of this year, and things seemed to be going well for his business, enough for him to consider getting an apartment. I told him he could move back in and if we couldn’t split expenses evenly at first, he had to get serious about doing chores and sticking to my budget. It was fine at first, but by April, he wasn’t doing any chores and I was back to paying 100% of his and his dog’s living expenses. He also was about to not meet quota for that quarter and asked to me to sign up for a policy and then reverse it after quarter-end so I’d be reimbursed. I lost my shit on him. I work in capital markets, I can’t afford to commit financial fraud for him. I told him I’ve sacrificed enough for him, he can’t come for my integrity too. (Bonus: the friend who he did rope into doing the reversed policy still hasn’t been reimbursed, 5 months later.)
We had another blowout fight, and he majorly stepped up on the chores front, which has sustained to this day. Money was still touch and go - when he didn’t get paid, his fancy car ate it up every month. He landed a big case in May, and paid his half rent in June for the first time, and offered to pay all of July, which he did. By the second week of July, he was completely broke again, and told me last minute he couldn’t pay August rent. I had to scramble to get the cash needed in one account to send the check. He couldn’t afford to pay for his half of groceries like he promised either, so that was a scramble too.
I’m so sick of this. I work an incredible job for my age, paid off all my college debt 8 months after graduation, and own my car, yet I’m living paycheck to paycheck supporting him. There’s always something, even if it’s a legitimate something, that keeps him from paying his half. It’s been a fucking year and there hasn’t even been marginal improvement. His job is meant for filthy rich trust fund kids who can afford to be this broke while they build their client base. I admire his optimism but he’s not suffering for listening to it… I am.
I have enabled him far too long and after the most recent fight about money, I realized he is too immature to be trying his hand at this job. He complains when he meets with clients that spend their money on cars and trips and toys instead of buying a policy from him, when he blew his money on a car and a gaming PC when he had a steady-paying job. He has no problem having regular, circular fights with me yet won’t ask his parents for help because “that would be awkward and I don’t want to lose [his] father’s respect”. He’s hurt that I don’t trust his promises when he’s barely kept any of them, from his graduation date to his bills to chores. He is too immature to see the larger picture, and because I’ve been enabling him to a fault, he has never needed to because the consequences don’t fall on him. They fall on me.
Last night, I told him I’m not renewing the lease and am moving out by myself. He followed me around the house pleading with me and asking me questions… “How do you feel about me? What about us? Where will I go? What will it take for you to let me come with you?” Questions I have answered every. single. fight. Questions HE needs to answer because it’s his fucking life. I refused to answer them again and went to bed. He stood in the doorway and said that stupid Marilyn Monroe quote about not deserving people at their best if you can’t handle them at your worst. I said he was totally allowed to feel that way and walk. He shut himself in the computer room and slept on the couch that night.
I can’t believe he feels like I’m abandoning him after all I’ve done. He doesn’t understand how hurtful it is when he tries to pay his half of rent and bills by spouting off platitudes about struggle and success. It makes me feel so fucking disrespected and I have told him this every fight. And despite having this fight regularly, it’s like he’s not even listening to me. Why would he? I haven’t made myself worthy of respect by being his financial doormat and not sticking to my boundaries. At this point, I feel he is using me as a safety net. He knows I won’t let him or his dog starve so he doesn’t make himself care about coming up with the money for food.
He is deluded by his optimism so much so that he breaks every optimistic promise he makes to me. He talks about how he thinks a client will buy an expensive plan, but then they get the cheap one and now he can’t pay rent. He talks about how he met loads of people at a networking event, but only 3 call him back and he needs money to take them out. He says he’s set to get 40% enrollment on a corporate contract, but only gets 11% so he can’t pay for groceries this week. I used to think he was lying to me, but now I see he’s lying to himself. He hasn’t matured at all and grounded his expectations in reality because I’ve been standing in the way of it. Because of this, I don’t trust him to give me a realistic end date to supporting him, because he’ll prob…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gsfxwz/my_boyfriends_26m_optimism_and_immaturity_almost/
Money will sabotage relationships but she made a list of what he could have done to fix this.
He is deluded by his optimism so much so that he breaks every optimistic promise he makes to me. He talks about how he thinks a client will buy an expensive plan, but then they get the cheap one and now he can’t pay rent. He talks about how he met loads of people at a networking event, but only 3 call him back and he needs money to take them out. He says he’s set to get 40% enrollment on a corporate contract, but only gets 11% so he can’t pay for groceries this week. I used to think he was lying to me, but now I see he’s lying to himself. He hasn’t matured at all and grounded his expectations in reality because I’ve been standing in the way of it. Because of this, I don’t trust him to give me a realistic end date to supporting him, because he’ll probably be wrong about that too.
And now that I’m done being his Atlas and holding his world together, he’s starting to panic. It bothers me SO FUCKING MUCH that he didn’t take me seriously until I let the hammer drop on him, as it should have been in the beginning. The irony is not lost on me that he’s a broke financial advisor.
I miss the first six months of this relationship, when he had a job that paid well enough to cover up his financial immaturity. I could have taught him a few things that might have stuck instead of picking up ALL the slack and mommying the everliving fuck out of him. I miss going to sit-down dinners and football games and movies with him. I miss the feeing I had a month after I met him, where I knew I would marry him. Now I’m not sure at all… I’m sad I love him. It’s a burdensome tether instead of the inner flame it used to be.
And maybe this is my own fatal optimism speaking, but that guy is still there, buried underneath all this bullshit. He just has to grow the fuck out of it and take his own risks to learn his own lessons. I can’t even explain how badly I want the guy I met back. I’m tearing up writing this. I agreed to him moving back in this year because (according to him) he only needed a few more months to make it and be stable, and I wanted that for him so badly so we could go back to enjoying life together. My hope is hamstringing me, just like it’s doing to him.
Can our relationship survive now that I’m seriously taking steps to insure it doesn’t bankrupt me? Or am I being stupid in thinking anything will change? Will he move in with his dad and just get him to be the new enabler? What am I doing wrong that’s preventing him from understanding how I feel?
tl;dr: BF’s optimistic dreams about his job duped me into supporting 100% of his living expenses for over a year. I’ve had enough, and am moving out on my own so I can start saving again. He feels abandoned, I feel used. Is there a future for us at all?
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: No, you couldn’t have. People have to want to learn for lessons to stick. I understand why you’re having trouble walking away, because his strengths and weaknesses are so closely tied. But you’d be making the exact same mistake he is by staying: doubling down on a bad decision because you’re convinced you can turn it around with just a little more time and investment. He can’t, and you can’t either. Stop feeding into the sunk cost fallacy and go.
OOP: This is so true. I’m a realist from an abusive home so he was such a bright light of positivity when I met him. Now it’s burning me.
You’re so right about me making the same mistake. I know what I have to do. It’s gonna suck doing it, but… I’m worth it, to myself at least.
Commenter 2: There’s no hope. You can not change anyone but yourself. He’s the only one who can change himself. Instead of changing, he’s doubling down on a philosophy that has proven to be a failure.
Why isn’t he getting another job? Even if he can’t let himself kill this dream and quit, he can at least work a second job. One that would actually pay minimum wage.
OOP: He still has office hours during the day and it infuriates me that they don’t pay him for that. He can’t get a second job for that reason as he’s meeting clients before and after common working hours. He can’t even be an Uber driver because his fancy car is on the restricted cars list, and fuck if he’s going to take my car too.
I hate his stupid fucking car so much. It represents how financially immature he is, because he didn’t even use his money wisely when he had it and continues to buttfuck him to this day.
Did I mention he hasn’t paid taxes or registered it either because he doesn’t have the money? Not sure who will be paying that inevitable ticket, but it sure as hell won’t be me.
Commenter 3: While he’s certainly to blame for being irresponsible, I think you also share the blame for spending over $17,000 on someone you had been dating for less than 2 years at that point, and then taking him in again and putting yourself in the same situation. You ask if your relationship is repairable but this isn’t just about what HE can do to shape up - what are you going to do to avoid making a series of very stupid choices again in the future when he messes up again? You can’t control the choices he makes, but you can control the choices you make, and you’ve made very poor ones.
Personally, I would never want to put myself in a relationship with someone who can’t support himself and had sucked by bank account dry like that. I would feel like his mother, not his partner, and that’s supremely unattractive. You’re better off cutting your loses and learning from this.
OOP: Totally agree with all of this. Can’t even explain how disappointed I am for doing this to myself.
I would feel like his mother, not his partner, and that’s supremely unattractive.
This is what started a big fight about chores. He complained about a lack of sex and I blew my fucking lid. I pay for all his shit, cook and clean, grocery shop, run errands, do things for the dogs, and he wants more? “Why would I want to fuck my child??” was my response.
Commenter 4: I’m not sure I understand how you went from living in a nice apt to living in a ghetto and spending $17k in the course of six months all because this guy moved in with you. You were already paying for your living expenses too, right? So all this guy should have added to what you were paying by yourself is the food he ate?
I mean, the guy sucks, dump him and all that. But I feel like we’re missing a part of the story.
OOP: I paid for his rent, utilities, groceries, his dog’s food, any fast food or restaurant we went to, his test certifications, the deposit on the new apartment, clothes, a business suit for his job, and any client expenses he had. He paid one and a half month’s rent in a year, otherwise I didn’t see a dime from him. Everything I paid for. That’s the whole story.
Commenter 5: Do you know his parents well? Maybe you should have a candid talk to his dad and outline how deep a hole his son is in. You can’t give any more of yourself to keep him afloat, but his own family should. (I mean, not pay for him, but be there when he stumbles - because he’s going to).
Also perhaps see a lawyer. You were living together, you may have some grounds to try and get that money back. GL.
OOP: Both his parents hate me. Both are intense Christians who think what’s happening is recompense for not getting married before living together. I’m the atheist harpy who stole their little boy from Jesus.
They don’t know the extent of what’s going on, just that we are strapped for cash. But I guarantee if I told either of his parents that I spent $25k-$30k supporting him, they will shrug and tell me to learn from it.
Update (unddit): September 21, 2016 (one month later)
Well a lot has happened since I made my first post. I guess I’ll address it sequentially, since that’s how I’m operating right now, moment to moment.
After I made that post, I decided to truly cut him off. I changed the wifi password, froze the credit card I gave him, applied to close our joint accounts, and threw out any gifts I ever gave him. We were planning on attending a dork convention over Labor Day (in Atlanta, for those familiar with the con scene) that I had budgeted paying for both of us over a year ago. I told him he couldn’t go unless he paid for his half of the hotel and tickets, $600. Not sure why I did this instead of shooting straight and admitting he was out of his gourd if he thought he could go… shouldn’t have played any games but I’m kinda glad I did because he told me he’d have $1000 to me by the end of August. Over text too, in writing.
I was floored. Suddenly he can come up with money for a weekend of partying and a chance to reel me back in? I said I would apply that to August’s bills, then he could start paying down the rest of the ~$25k he owed me for supporting him this past year before he could spend his money on luxuries like out of state vacations. This was over text, and he never responded, and slept on the couch again that night.
That was a Friday. Saturday morning, he left the house around 9am with his dog, leaving all of his crap in my house. I piled all of his and his dog’s stuff under his desk and got rid of any pictures of him around the house. I blocked him everywhere but Facebook and text. I went to two rental house showings, loved one of them and the landlord, put a deposit down that day, went on multiple walks with my dog as well as a long trip to the dog park, and celebrated/vented/drank wine through Twizzlers with my next door neighbour and her boyfriend. Ex-BF never returned that night.
Sunday, I spent the day working on cosplays and outfits for the convention as well as goofing off with my neighbour and dog. It was lovely. I kept waiting for this wave of sadness and regret to hit me, but it never did. He had been out for 24 hours and his name wasn’t on the lease - I texted him that his claim to residency was gone, and he needed to come get his things with 24 hours notice. He said he was coming that night. I said 24 hours notice. He agreed to Monday evening.
Monday, he picks up his stuff in his father’s truck and gives me back the key. Hours after he left, he added a song to our shared YouTube playlist - “Say Something” by A Great Big World. I added “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles and “Too Good” by Drake, then removed his access to the playlist the next morning. Yay middle school communication methods.
Wednesday his best friend texts me like nothing is wrong. Thursday, I text my ex about when I can expect his check in the mail. He doesn’t respond. Friday morning, I email him. At this point, as far as I can tell, he’s gone no contact with me. I send him one last email a day later basically stating that, and he asks me to coffee Sunday night.
We met up for coffee. He never mentions repayment at all but in the discussion about our feelings, we both felt the same way about this: betrayed, abandoned, hurt, and distrustful of the other person. He felt I had lied when I said I was fine supporting him and basically insinuated that I wouldn’t want to be repaid if I believed in us because otherwise I was actually loaning him money under the guise of love and setting him up to fail. When I realized he felt just as used as me because I cut him off from my money, I knew I was done. My stomach sank like a weight. I let him finish talking, then we parted ways. He asked if he could contact me, I said I needed a break.
The next day I emailed him about the $1000 he promised me and reminded him he never discussed repayment at our meeting. He didn’t respond for days, then the day I was set to leave town for the convention, he replies saying the money was on the way. Cool, it can sit in my mailbox for 5 days while I’m out of state. Also, during this time he was telling mutual friends we were “going through a rough patch” yet my friends were finding him on Tinder and OKC.
I partied my tail off for the entire convention and when I came back, the check was in an un-postmarked envelope in my mailbox. I cashed it and sent him an email telling him such and asked that he use snail mail for future repayments instead of trespassing on my property when he knows I won’t be home. I seriously wonder if he was looking for the spare key I left with the dog sitter… so creepy.
He replied to that email with some mushy “I love you and I know I fucked up” things claiming he is too nice and can’t say no and his urge to help others makes him neglect himself and he needs to work on that. It was the most laughable apology on earth. “I was so nice and helpful that I couldn’t stop myself from draining you of all your money and energy! My bad.”
I replied “You broke my heart and my bank account. It will be a long time before they’re both fixed, and my then I hope I won’t be stupid enough to trust you with them a third time. I will be responding to emails about repayment, otherwise good luck with everything.”
He replied, “If I could take everything back that I did, I would. I love you (name). With all my heart. I could have prevented it all. I could have taken action. But I let you slip away. And that’ll be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I’m truly truly sorry for hurting you. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
I moved out of the house we lived in to a similar one a few streets away. Moving helped keep me busy enough to not think about this. I threw out all our mementos and pictures and shit in the process so everything in the new place is all me. Just me. Now I’m settled in and it feels like it hasn’t hit me that it’s over. I thought I would be crushed, and there were some lonely moments at the convention that caught me up enough to need a cigarette, but I just feel humiliated. I don’t even have the urge to check his Instagram, every time I see a picture of him it just reminds me of how stupid and naive I am for thinking he was my One. I’m also super distrustful of my feelings now because of that… it wasn’t a question in my mind when I met him that we’d be together forever. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, like my name, like a fact. I see cute people out or have great conversations but I have no desire for anything more because I feel like my feelings aren’t trustworthy enough to merit acting on them. They led me so far astray last time…
But that’s it I guess. It’s over and life is going on.
tl;dr - We broke up for good.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I remember seeing your original post, and wondering to myself what would happen. You handled this masterfully, and it’s obvious you are much better off mentally and emotionally for dropping him from your life. You just sound happier in your writing, and for that I’m glad for you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. :)
OOP: Thanks. It creeps me out how quickly he became a stranger, right in front of my eyes… anyway. The convention was helpful for jumpstarting the ole ‘single bitch’ thing again, haha. That’s the path I’ll be on for a bit.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
