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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-16 05:09:51+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Dependent_Pause_. She posted in r/UnethicalLifeProTips
Thanks to u/Turbulent-Weakness22 for the rec!
Do NOT comment on Original Posts.
Trigger Warning: drug use; taking advantage of a vulnerable person; police restraints; possible animal neglect
Mood Spoiler: much better for OOP’s son
Original Post: May 5, 2024
Hello and thank you in advance for your creativity and time. I’m living in hell right now and need ideas. My son just turned 18 and is disabled, he needs and takes multiple medications and needs support at school. He does well in some settings and is on track to graduate and pursue trade school (with support) and we’re so proud of him.
He is extremely impressionable, a little socially awkward, and desperate for “friends.” For years we’ve struggled because he gives his possessions away, gets in bad situations (someone offering to sell him “rocks” at a park, him thinking they are collectible polished gemstones, so he asks to see them, and then freaks out when he realizes they’re drugs) and is easily bullied. He will do anything to be liked. Which breaks my heart. And we’re working on it in therapy, with trusted adults, etc.
The grown man. This guy is 28 years old. Let’s call him Quentin. He’s frequently homeless, often sleeping in a tent in parks. Or, he’ll get a voucher from our city to stay in a motel. He has two pit bulls, not spayed or neutered, that he will leave in the tent or motel room when he works, at a fast food job. I actually have compassion for him and his animals, if he had nothing to do with my son.
It started with him asking my son to watch his dogs in the park while he worked. My son is so thrilled to have a friend, and be helping, and he does love animals. So he will spend 8+ hours a day or night, alone in a park, watching these dogs. He would ask can he take dog food, toys, and blankets from our house for Quentin’s dogs. He does it whether we say yes or no. Months ago, we would say yes because I appreciate that my son wants to help these dogs.
Starting a few months ago, when my son turned 18, Quentin told him he didn’t have to stay with us, and could stay with him. For weeks, our son was sleeping in the tent with the dogs or rough in the park. Quentin gives him beer and weed. Our son will watch the dogs for entire shifts while he works. Quentin tells him he will help him get a tent and vouchers, too.
The police are sympathetic especially because my son has disabilities and also some medical issues. But he is 18. School is supportive but he’s almost to graduation and again, he’s 18. We had not ever pursued medical conservatorship or anything like that because before now lots of things were going right and we don’t take that lightly (removing civil liberties from another young adult.)
In the past week, Quentin got another room at the motel. He messaged my son to come stay with him, and he did. My son sat in the room and watched his dogs while he worked and I imagine they smoked and hung out when Quentin was not working. My son would respond to text messages from us but asserted he is an adult and can go where he wants.
He missed a week of medication, school, part of his part time job, and another important appointment. Being Quentin’s “friend” is more important than all of these things and he feels good “helping his friend” and says “[Quentin] is like a brother to me, he’s the best brother I’ve ever had.”
Quentin’s own family have kicked him out. They are nearby. No idea who watches the dogs when my son is not available. Quentin doesn’t drive and earlier this week my son gave Quentin his bike because “he needs it more than me.”
Our son came home yesterday and had a complete psychiatric crisis because he’s been unmedicated (and probably also high/drinking) for so many days. His medical issues are exacerbated. He was banging his head on the concrete floor and when we called emergency services, he spit at the police so they put a spit hood on him and restrained him. It was horrific and he was begging for help.
We’re not sure when he will be stable enough to come home and may need a medical procedure. He was coherent today (crying, apologizing) but still 100% certain Quentin is his friend.
I also feel terrible because I know that at age 18 it’s a good thing for my son to be not telling us everything, having his own friends and life, etc. I look forward to that day! He does have other friends who are closer to his age and their hanging out is more appropriate. But these other kids have busier lives and more responsibilities. They aren’t available 24-7. Quentin is and my son feels so good when his phone pings and it’s his ”friend” “needing” him.
How can I make this man’s life miserable? Or at least, make it too uncomfortable or risky to keep hanging out with my son?
Nothing to harm or stress the dogs, please. It’s not their fault and my son would never forgive me.
Some of OOP’s Comments (OOP responded to all of them on May 9, 2024- 4 days later)
Commenter: Sounds like you might need to pursue medical conservatorship, which I know you don’t want to do, but it sounds like you definitely have grounds and it’s the lesser of two evils at this point. I don’t see things ending up well without intervention.
OOP: Thank you for this (and others who prompt me to reconsider conservatorship.) I called a lawyer on Monday. I had already done research and collected that info, but had a lot of hope that once sheltered work started up and he had less free time it might not be necessary.
Commenter: Pay someone to be your son’s friend that’s more of a caretaker? Honestly… this guy sounds at the very least like a scammer. Sometimes the only way people into deep in one scam, is a second scam. It’s sad but there’s literally a bot on r / scams for recovery scams. Basically people promising to recover your loss for some fee. It’s not great but if you could afford someone to offer better friendship & then point out that his old “friend” is lame it’ll be like positive peer pressure? Maybe help the person could help them join appropriate opportunities for new friendship then phase out?
OOP: This is another great idea and I appreciated the comments below it here in the thread. I have reached out to some young adults older than him that might serve as mentors or fitness coaches— hang out with him, work out, play basketball. Build positive connections with people who don’t wish him ill. Thank you for this. I have a few possibilities here in our area.
Commenter: If it was my son, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to ensure his safety and wellbeing. My advice would be to just make this man’s life miserable. Contact his work and make complaints against him. Tell them he’s selling weed or is abusive to customers. If he has a room, report him for dealing drugs and threats of violence. If he stays in the park, phone the police and claim his dogs are attacking people in the park. All anonymously, of course. Maybe nip down to the park late at night and set off a shit load of fireworks near to his tent. Do this over and over again. Make it your life’s mission to ruin him. He’ll move on when it all gets too much. My son is autistic too, and him being taken advantage of is a great worry for me. I hope it all works out for you.
OOP: Thank you for this. I did contact his employer because my son isn’t the only teen in the neighborhood Quentin is giving alcohol to. I also contacted management at his motel where he occasionally stays to let them know this person was letting a vulnerable teen stay there (and miss school, and meds) and that it was surely against their policy. Quentin was NOT happy I contacted his work and the motel. I felt really empowered by so many of the comments here to engage around this and make his life more difficult.
Get son a dog:
Yes, and great insight to others who mentioned maybe getting my son a dog. He actually has a medical alert service dog and other pet dogs (and cat, and fish) so animals are truly a special interest of his. Heartbreakingly, he will leave service dog with us because the dog is safe and we love them, but Quentin’s dogs need him. But yes, we lean on the gifts he has with animals to build other areas of his life.
Talk to the police again:
I just spoke to the local police again tonight. Sometimes they lean heavily on “he’s 18, he’s an adult” but some of them, when they get to know him a bit, realize he’s vulnerable and are more willing to help.
Keeping him busy:
Yes. Son has an interview tomorrow at an animal adoption center. This is the type of setting that would keep him busy, help him feel like he’s doing something important, and give him better adults to be around.
Commenter: Get rid of the dogs. Go on Facebook and post how they are being abused, and an intervention must take place. Get rid of the tent. Is he camping illegally? Call the cops. Get rid of Quentin. He’s not good for anyone right now, not even himself. A major intervention is 100% necessa…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gsg329/grown_man_ruining_my_sons_life_help_me_ruin_his/
Commenter: Get rid of the dogs. Go on Facebook and post how they are being abused, and an intervention must take place. Get rid of the tent. Is he camping illegally? Call the cops. Get rid of Quentin. He’s not good for anyone right now, not even himself. A major intervention is 100% necessary for all parties involved, for the police, for you, and for your son. There is so much to lose with inaction.
OOP: I did part of this this evening. Son got home from hospital last night, back on meds, stable. Goes to his special interest class at school, does great. Goes for bike ride. Low and behold, he’s back out with Quentin and the dogs. It’s after 10pm so park is closed. Quentin is pitching the tent. I called the non emergency line to let the police know a homeless man with two pit bulls was sleeping in that park near the playground. Police went and moved him, sent son back to us. I will keep doing this. I might also flyer homes near the park to let them know there’s a homeless man with two pit bulls who provides alcohol and weed to teens in the park near their home, to help make it less comfortable for him to be there. Thank you for this advice.
Commenter: You could see if Quentin would accept cash and a bus ticket to leave town. It would be the least messy way to disentangle him from your son. Or if you can round up a group of scary people and a van… a different kind of ride out.
I appreciate and applaud the autonomy you’ve given your son but it’s time for his own sake.
OOP: Thank you for this. I did go find Quentin after seeing this advice and offer him cash to leave son alone and stop taking his calls. He refused and promptly told son that I had offered. He also told my son I’m “too attached to him.”
Block the number on son’s phone:
Thank you for these. Yes we’ve blocked his number in the past (and given son an old flip phone when smartphone was too much to manage healthily) but Quentin doesn’t even always have a phone. They video chat on Instagram. They also can borrow anyone’s phone, log into Insta, and communicate.
Go with him to every hang out:
I LOVED this advice to crash every hangout. I started doing that tonight. Quentin was so mad! He told me I’m harassing him. He finally walked off and told my son not to follow him. Son is mad at me and parroting that Quentin says I’m “too attached.” Fine with me! I can do this every day. Great advice.
Update Post: September 16, 2024 (4 months later)
A few months ago I came here asking for tips to help get a man named Quentin out of my son’s life. I’m super grateful for all of the ideas, and many kind words.
As of today, and for the last three months, my son is happy and healthy. We found a transitional living house for him with five other young men and two house managers (and a dog). He’s learning to adult: learning to cook, clean, and get a job. It includes therapy, gym every day, yoga, skateboarding… truly a dream come true.
The house is about 40 minutes away from where Quentin lives and my son feels he has friends, is purposeful and feels adult, and is learning and busy. They will also do job training.
Before this happened, I took as much of your advice as was possible.
I contacted the manager at Quentin’s workplace and the motel he occasionally stays at. I told them Quentin was allowing a disabled teenager to stay with him and giving him (and other teens) alcohol. Manager is local small business owner and took my information seriously. I also went to motel and pointed out the sign that said al guests must have ID (my son does not). I told manager I hoped he was abiding by rules or I’d contact corporate.
I also starting calling non emergency PD line when he was camped after park closing time, and leaving his dogs during the day. PD would move him along.
Someone had the great advice of being his best friend and showing up all the time. So I did. Quentin wants to see my son, hey here I am, too. I’m at the park, I’m at your work, I’m near the motel. I even prepared fliers to let others in the park neighborhood (with a playground for small children) know about the tent, camping, and unsupervised, unneutered pit bulls.
Quentin got increasingly upset. He said I was stalking him and he was going to call the police. I said, politely, please do. I’d love to tell the police more about what you’re doing with my son and other vulnerable young people. I told him, you want to be in my son’s life, I’m in your life. Up to you.
I really felt bold after all of your advice nd encouragement. I was willing to keep going for the long haul. In the meantime we found a lawyer and I started tapping into resources to find my son some kind of job training, because he really wants to help and feel grown up. For a few weeks he was working at a drugstore through a program through a local agency. That was huge for him, stocking and cleaning and helping people. It also kept him busy for about a month and kind of removed Quentin slightly.
Quentin either got sick of seeing me, or afraid of losing his job. The location of the motel he had been staying at occasionally stopped letting him, so he had to start using another location much farther away. Farther to walk to work and harder to deal with. I think he realized my son wasn’t worth the trouble I was causing, and just stopped contacting him.
Thank you so so so so much for all of your ideas. I was so focused on trying to fix it from my son’s end as his mom I had no idea how to actually deal with Q. You all were fantastic. Huge thanks from the mom of a happy, healthy, busy and purposeful young adult son.
Some Comments:
Commenter: Glad things in your situation are going in a positive direction, but wondering why you have to mention “un neutered pitbulls” in such a negative context. I’m 100% about spay and neutering all animals right now cause this country is in a crisis with the homeless pet population, but I feel like your statement wasn’t mentioned because of the same reason.
OOP: Absolutely. Thank you for naming that. I’m also worried about the animals. One reason I struggled at first with what to do is if my son weren’t a factor, I would feel drawn to helping Q and his animals— or at least pointing him to resources for that. I have colleagues who work for organizations who help those without homes to stay with their pets (often their family.) Since I wrote the first post, one of these dogs has had puppies. I also tried to help my son realize that he wasn’t responsible for the dogs and it was a hard life for all of them… until it became clear how in danger my son was. I guess I mention it as another example of how the adult in the situation was not being responsible, and how the untended dogs were not safe for themselves or other unfixed animals who might come into the park. For me the state of the animals is also sad and one reason my son was so compelled to “help.” Which is a negative. I feel for them thought and never wanted to harm or scare them.
Traditional-Plan7423: For anybody in houston tx that may see this: I work for a non-profit, SERJobs. We offer training and licensure to youth, young adults, and veterans. Financial literacy assistance for everybody. Our goal is long-term financial stability through training and job placement, and financial education. We are completely funded by federal, state, city, and private donors. All classes, certifications, and licensure are completely at no cost to you, the member. Please look us up. Please donate if you find it something that you support and help us to continue our mission. SERJobs for progress in Houston, Texas. Find us at serjobs.org and on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and any other platform I missed. We have community events that you can participate in and help us continue to serve anybody who wishes for a brighter future.
ETA: Sorry if it may sound like taking ttnerion from OP, but our services are helping many in this situation, and we will do anything it takes to see our members succeed. I may just be admin in accounting, but I wholeheartedly believe in our organization and mission
OOP: Thank you! Amazing! Yes, an org like yours is helping us immensely and I am so so grateful others can help my son and I can be his mom. Thank you for your time and work.
