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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-17 05:02:04+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/anoncheatedthrowra

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRU: originally posted by u/prettiergenghis

[New Update]: I’ve been informed by a solicitor that my husband is having an affair.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: added relevant comments for more context

Thanks to u/soayherder for finding the new update

RECAP

Original Post: October 12, 2022

I’ve been informed by a solicitor that my husband is having an affair

Yesterday morning I was contacted by a solicitor. I was confused because I don’t have any need for one for anything. She told me that her client is seeking a divorce from his wife due to the wife having an affair. Their investigator found the affair is with my husband and the client asked the solicitor to inform me since my husband is married. She provided me with proof of the affair. My brother-in-law is to be married on Saturday. My husband is the best man and is already there to assist with everything.

Me and my 5 month-old daughter were supposed to leave on Friday morning to join them. My husband is unaware that I know. I am shocked but the proof is right in front of my eyes. I haven’t told anyone but I have asked me sister to come over after work. I’m going to ask if my daughter and me can stay with her. I don’t think I can face him at the wedding. I don’t want to hear excuses. My sister’s husband is a solicitor and while he does not do divorces I’ll ask if he can recommend someone. I have to talk to my sister but I’m mostly just getting my thoughts out on here because I feel entirely scattered.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if the solicitor who contacted her is a real and licensed person to inform her about the affair

OOP: Yes of course. The solicitor who contacted me is a licenced solicitor. The proof was not photographic but included videos, voicemails and receipts. I would question a singular photo but not this.

The solicitor informed me she is not able to advise me or take me as a client due to conflict of interest but will provide the information to my solicitor should I pursue a divorce.

OOP on exposing her husband’s affair and her excuse for not attending the BIL’s wedding

OOP: I think I am going to tell him I was exposed to covid so I have an excuse not to go. Then tell him I know on Sunday morning.

I don’t want to tell him before the wedding because his brother and his brother’s girlfriend are lovely people and I don’t want anything to spoil their day including my husband being upset while playing such a big role in their wedding. I would feel awful if I did that to them.

He is giving a reading at the wedding, a speech at the reception, helping his brother prepare and doing other duties to ensure it goes smoothly. I don’t care how he feels but I don’t want his emotions to get in the way or spoil the day for the bride and groom. It’s for their benefit. Not his.

I respectfully disagree and with the wedding only days away I will not do anything to spoil it. There would be no time to bring someone in to do all the things my husband is responsible for. It is hardly a sacrifice to wait another day. I don’t even want to tell him until I am at my sister’s anyway. You may disagree and that is fine. I am thinking of his brother and the bride and their day.

OOP responds to multiple comments about not leaving the house, kick the husband out. Transfer her money from their accounts to a new bank account.

OOP: We do not own a home. We rent a flat. Additionally we mist be separated for 2 out of the next 3 years in order to obtain a divorce. I will not be remaining in our flat. I can get my own once I am ready.

If I emptied the accounts I could be subject to trouble during the divorce process. That is not allowed.

Does OOP know anything about the other woman and if she knows about the divorce in progress

OOP: I have no idea who this other woman is. The solicitor who contacted me informed me that her client will be telling his wife about the divorce next week and told me to do what I needed. So I have time.

Update #1: November 8, 2022 (almost one month later)

Update - I’ve been informed by a solicitor that my husband is having an affair

My update:

I told my husband I had been exposed to covid and could not attend the wedding. My sister helped pack and she is letting me and my daughter stay with her until I find a flat. (Someone I work with has a family member who has one up that I can afford that’s available in January.) When my husband returned home on the Monday there was a note telling him I knew about the affair. The husband of the other woman was going to be filing for divorce later that week and I would not be far behind. My sister’s husband is a solictor and he recommended a divorce solictor to me. My husband and I both have jobs. We don’t own a home. At the advice of my solictor I opened a new bank account for myself but I did not touch any of our joint accounts. I’m not stopping my husband from seeing our daughter and my solictor said the law will favour sharing of custody. Unless it is about our daughter I told my husband to have his solictor talk to mine. I won’t discuss anything else with him.

Once we have been separated for 2 years we can get a divorce. My solictor said there is no way to shorten the time requirement.

Thank you everyone who showed me kindness.

Relevant Comments

OOP on the country’s laws for divorces and if there are any strict laws regarding infidelity

OOP: Ireland. (Divorce was not made legal in Ireland until 25 years ago. Before that divorces were not allowed at all. Until 2019 a couple had to be separated for 4 years, not the 2 years it is now)

Divorce is no fault. It also would not make a difference anyways as we aren’t wealthy, don’t own a home or any significant assets and are both employed.

OOP on using an app to communicate with her soon to be ex husband regarding coparenting their daughter

OOP: That’s what we are doing at the recommendation of both our solicitors.

I have held firm on only discussing things related to our daughter. Anything else goes to our solicitors.

----NEW UPDATE----

Last update: November 10, 2024 (two years later)

Background: My first two posts may be found in my post history however in summary: My husband had an affair. The other woman was also married. Her husband’s solicitor informed me about the affair. I found out right before my husband’s brother was to get married. I told everyone I was ill and stayed home. I moved in with my sister while my husband was away at the wedding. Our daughter was 5 months old when I found out about the the affair.

The update is that I am now divorced. I live in Ireland. It is a requirement that couples live apart for 2 years before they can be divorce. There are no exceptions under the law to this. (It used to be 4 years, and up until 1998 divorce was not legal in Ireland at all).

My daughter and I lived with my sister for almost 3 months before I moved us into our own flat. My husband and I did not own any property and I legally had no authority to ask him to leave the flat we had while we were married. So I left instead. On the advice of my solicitor I opened my own bank account and left our jointly owned accounts alone to be settled in the divorce. While we were living apart my husband and I used an app to communicate about our daughter and everything else was through our solicitors. I haven’t talked to him about the affair, I haven’t talked to his family or friends and I don’t have social media. My husband carried on seeing the other woman for several months after I moved out so I’m sure everyone knows he had an affair but that isn’t my problem now.

The only thing I talk with him about is our daughter and anything relating to her. We have joint custody and I will pay him maintenance. Fault is not considered in a divorce and an affair doesn’t affect custody. I do not have to pay maintenance to my husband for himself since he is already living with another woman (not the one he had an affair with) and plans to marry her right away now that we are divorced. If he had been living on his own and not about to get married I would have had to pay him maintenance. I have never met the woman he had an affair with, or her husband or their children. My focus is on my daughter and I am civil with her father for her sake. But I don’t care about looking on social media or t…

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