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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-08-10 16:57:36.

I am not the original poster. Original post by u/aitafriend00000 in r/AmItheAsshole.

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trigger warnings: NONE

mood spoilers: conflict, emotional resolution

 

AITA for not letting my friend live in my spare room?

Sun, Aug 02, 2020

So I have this friend ‘Bill’, and we’ve been friends since we were kids and we are now both 30. He’s one of my closest friends, and we normally have a great relationship.

When I was 19, I moved away from our hometown, went to uni, did some travelling, and have now settled in a town several hours away. I have a good job, great friends- I’m pretty settled.

Two years ago my great uncle died and left me some money, and since then I’ve been saving as much as possible and I now have enough for a house deposit, which I’m pretty thrilled about. I’ve started looking for places and I’m hoping to buy a two bed flat in the town I live in.

Bill has not done so great; he still lives with his parents in our hometown and has worked in the same supermarket for years. I have no issue with this but sadly Bill is miserable because he hates his job, hates living with his parents, and is generally unhappy.

For several years I tried to encourage Bill to move out, and I offered him to move in with me (rent free) for a couple of months so he could get himself together. Bill always declined, and I probably stopped mentioning it about 3/4 years ago.

So the situation: Bill knew I’d been left this money by my uncle, but a week ago we were chatting on the phone and I was telling him about viewing a flat soon. Bill straight up asked me if he could live in my spare room whenever I purchased my placed. We haven’t talked about it in so long, so I basically said I would think about it and let him know. Bill seemed pretty unhappy by this (I think he was expecting me to not hesitate) but said he hoped I made up my mind soon.

A few days ago, I called Bill back and said unfortunately I don’t think it’d be a good idea and he was so angry but also sad, it was horrible. The conversation was pretty long but he basically accused me of ‘lying’ to him, when I offered he could live me, and said I was a terribly unsupportive friend ect. ect.

The thing is, I was like 24-26 when I offered Bill my sofa, but life is different now. I have a girlfriend, a goddaughter who I want to sleep over lots, and now I’m a bit older I just don’t want to share my living space. Also, I hadn’t said anything to Bill about living together in years and he’d never mentioned it.

I feel really bad about this situation and when I spoke to a mutual friend, she just said it would be nice for me to let Bill stay with me for a bit, but otherwise ‘didn’t want to get involved’ in the argument.

I feel like such an arse but AITA?

Top Comment

Of course you’re NTA. People on Reddit are going to tell you he’s entitled and you should drop him, etc etc. But, my view of truth is, it sounded like he just banked the idea that he’d always have the option of living with you if things got really bleak. They likely are, but life has also moved on so, you’re not in the position to make the same offer. There is no problem in that. Friendships lie and grow in these difficult situations. He probably can’t see beyond his pain and frustration at the world right now. However, I’d recommend you let him know you’re always going to be his friend and hopefully, once he’s in a place to see beyond the hurt, you can pick up your friendship.

Judgement: Not the A-hole

 

UPDATE: AITA for not letting my friend live in my spare room?

Mon, Aug 31, 2020

I wasn’t sure whether to post an update, but actually this sub really helped me. However, judging by the responses I got, I’m not sure whether anyone will like what happened!

I first had a conversation with my girlfriend, we’ve only been together a year and I’m buying the flat completely on my own, but there was certainly a suggestion that she might move in with me depending on how things go in the next few months or so. She was (and generally is) pretty wonderful, and she’s also met Bill and knows what he means to me. She said if I wanted to offer him my spare room for a few months then I should go for it.

Then Bill. I won’t go into too much detail but I laid it all out for him. I basically said that I didn’t want a roommate and that now that I was in a relationship, my privacy was even more important to me. I said that it was important Daisy (my goddaughter) also felt at home in my place, so the spare room was basically going to be hers. I then said that he was one of my closest friends and I’d do anything for him if I could. I said that he could move in with me, rent free, for three months, providing he got a job and saved up some money to rent a room somewhere after. We ironed out a few more details but that was the general gist.

It was really emotional, Bill kept apologising and we both cried- but it was a good conversation.

The reason why I wanted to update is because u|brecollier wrote this comment, which was downvoted:

NAH but these are the times I hate this sub because the bar is so low. No you aren’t an AH, but you have the opportunity to change a close friend’s life. None of those are good reasons why you can’t, they are reasons why you don’t want to. You should do better than not being an AH and be a really good human and let him come live with you.

I really appreciated all the responses to my post, but they did initially make me righteously angry, if that makes sense? Through my N-T-A validation, I was kind of getting annoyed at Bill, thinking ‘what right did he have to my home, and how dare he be mad about an offer I made 4 years ago’. And then I read the above comment and suddenly thought, yeah, he’s got no right to be mad at me but if he really is one of my best friends, then surely I should help him if I can? And the fact is, I totally can.

So there you go, Bill will be moving into my new place, and in the meantime I’m gonna help him rewrite his CV so he can start to look for jobs in my town. Maybe this is a bad decision, and this sub has certainly made me realise I don’t owe him anything, but it still feels like the right thing to do.

Thanks Reddit!

 

EDIT:

Holy crap guys! I did not expect so many replies/comments! Thank you to everyone who replied, and especially thanks to the lovely person who messaged offering support for Bill to write a cover letter.

Just to clarify, I’m a girl, not a guy :)

I do appreciate the people warning me not to do this but my mind is made up and I really think it’s the right decision. I understand it may not work out but I believe in Bill, and our friendship, and know he wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt me. If I’m allowed, I’ll write an update in 3/6 months (not sure how the rules of updates work in this sub?) and hopefully I can give you all good news!

OOP added in the comments

Tue, Sep 01, 2020

Just to say my girlfriend is 100% supportive and doesn’t live with me at the moment- but hopefully she will in the future if I don’t mess anything up :P I think my goddaughter will be fine, I’m seeing her today and will talk to her about it. I’m going to tell she can paint the room any colour she wants when Bill moves out and I think that’ll be enough to keep her happy 'cause she’s only 7 :)

OOP tried to make a final update a year after the first update but it was removed by the mods and her account has been inactive since then

 

Reminder - I am NOT the Original Poster!