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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Novel-Assignment4684 on 2023-08-11 08:07:45.

I (42m) and my wife (42f) have been together for almost 15 years and married for the last. We have 3 beautiful children (all under 12) together and I have a early teenage step daughter who is with every other weekend. We are in love, love and adore each other and our family. I work as an executive, she is a SAHM.

Since the birth of our youngest (6 years ago) our love life has suffered terribly, but not for the reasons you think (just kids). Prior to our 6th, we were intimate 4-5 times a week - not necessarily sex, but intimate - and everything was running beautifully. After our youngest was born, 3rd by caesarean, my wife suffered from post-natal depression, which naturally put things on hold. No stress, buckle down and do whatever is needed to support and get sorted. It’s happened many times.

However things haven’t recovered since then. My wife has had a shocking track record with sustained chronic injury and illnesses that have rendered her only partially mobile and unable to work. In the last 4 years, we’ve made love no more than 5 times. I am currently her carer, taking her to appointments, waiting on her hand and foot when needed, running kids around, doing the household chores while doing 50-ish hours a week for my work, which is excellent for my stage of my career. We have little money, as most of our money is going on here care and anything else we need for the kids (my 8yrd old is autistic).

As it stands now, pretty much all of my spare effort time and energy is spent on caring for her, the house or the kids. I am lucky if i get an hour a week to spend on myself. And in terms of intimacy, it’s just not there. I miss the feeling of another human wanting me for me - not as a carer to take care of another task for them, but someone who sees me and wants me as a person in their life romantically.

I won’t leave - it would break her heart. I can’t talk to her about it without making her feel like shit and the only thing i get close to intimacy is the odd cuddle in bed - when it doesn’t make her uncomfortable - and a kiss good bye in the morning. Other than that, i feel pretty much worthless, undesirable, and useless aside from my ability to provide.

So, in all of that, WIBTA if i were to find intimacy outside of the relationship, knowing that i would never break up our home? My two very good friends are split and are looking out for me. HELP!

*** edit: Many commenters have said ‘talk to your wife!’ And the answer to that is i’ve been trying to have a conversation for the last couple of years. The other point is that im not seeking the ok to get sex elsewhere - im weighing the opinions of friends. Yes i’m desperate and lonely and feeling incredibly inloved and unwanted. The intimacy i seek isnt hust sex - otherwise pulling myself would relieve it. I have put myself last in our family for the last few years… and i’m breaking. Thanks for everyones thoughtful comments.