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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-08-11 16:53:49.
I am not the original poster. Original post by u/finlefree in r/amiwrong.
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trigger warnings: mention of rape, sexism, harassment, false rape accusations, sexual assault
mood spoilers: anger, conflict, sad
I (46m) got into a discussion with my gf (45f) that led to a huge fight and now she says if I don’t change the way I think, she’s gone
Tue, May 23, 2023
My gf was reading an article about that said Any man that has sex with a woman who has been drinking should be charged with rape. She wanted to know what I thought of that and I said I don’t think it’s that simple and you can’t just automatically say that any man who has sex with a woman who has been drinking is a rapist. That’s absolutely ridiculous. There are too many variables to consider to make such a broad statement. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, her whole demeanor changed and her response was dripping in condescension.
“Really, what other information would you need. It’s seems pretty clear to me”. I told her that if she considered that to be clear, I’m a little worried about her sense of free thinking. For instance, the most obvious question, what if they’re both drunk? How much does she need to have drunk before he becomes a rapist? What about if the situation was reversed and it was the man that had been drinking? Would that make her a rapist? What if she was the one to initiate the sex? These are all relevant questions to be answered. This is info I would expect to know before just saying a man is a rapist if he sleeps with a drunk woman.
At that point my gf became visibly angry. Her response was “If the woman has been drinking and she has even a buzz, the man is a rapist. If they’re both drinking, the man is still a rapist. If she initiated the sex, the man is still a rapist.” " Then in the reverse situation the woman is the rapist? " I asked. She laughed with a condescension that made my blood boil and she said "Don’t be stupid. The only way a woman could rape a man is if she had a gun or something and forced him to let her shove something up his ass or something. If he gets an erection, it’s not rape. ".
I was and still am floored by her hypocrisy and ignorance. Needless to say this argument escalated further than it should have to the point that we were actually yelling at each other. Finally I had to just walk away. I went for a walk and when I got back she was sitting in the couch. Without even looking at me, she said if I don’t change my way of thinking immediately, she’s moving out. To which I responded, I would offer to help you pack, but you don’t need a man’s help with that. And I went to bed.
I care about my gf but I’m seriously put off by what a hypocrite she is and even more so by the way she spoke to me. I don’t want this to end or relationship, but I also don’t want to be with someone that thinks they have the right to tell me I have to change the way I think. Especially since I do not believe what I thought about the subject was wrong. In fact I think she was wrong, but I certainly wouldn’t demand that she think differently.
We haven’t spoke to each other in about 2 days, walking around the house, ignoring each other. But this morning she said to me, “you know, you are a rapist because we had sex the night of (her best friend)'s wedding.” We were both hammered at this wedding and we went back to our hotel room and she initiated some of the most wild sex we ever had. But that last statement was the last straw for me. I told her I would not ask her to change what she thinks the way she demanded I do, but if she really felt I raped her, then we are done and she needs to move out.
I’m heart broken that this is over because I love this woman. But I also love myself enough that I won’t allow anybody to tell me my thoughts are wrong and I certainly can’t live with someone who believes I raped them. Am I wrong?
EDIT
So I have a small update on the matter. I had the day off today and she went to work. She sent me an email that says “I would never call the police on you because I know you never intended to rape me and I completely forgive you. I’d even be willing to forget everything that has happened. All I ask is that you simply acknowledge that you raped me and that men who have sex with drunk women are rapists. That’s all I’m asking”.
I did not, nor will I respond to that.
UPDATE 1:
(Added to post)
I received another email from my gf. In it she said "After talking to my mom and my sister, they both told me I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that you had raped me. And I’ve given it some thought, and I no longer think that. I’m sorry for saying that. I know you would never do that to me. "
I gave some thought to it and this time I did respond. I said "Thank you for the apology. And your apology is accepted. Unfortunately, I still can’t continue in the relationship. I’m relieved that you no longer feel that way, but it was because your mom and sister told you it was wrong. That doesn’t take away from the fact you did believe it and if they had not said what they said or even if they agreed with you, you would still feel that way and that is something I can not rectify in my heart. I feel as though you are a stranger to me and not a stranger I have any desire to get to know. Sometimes what you say cannot be fixed with I’m sorry. This is one of those times. I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope you find someone that will make you happy. I can’t be that person. " She has not responded. But after reading all the comments of support from you guys, I realized it would be a mistake to firgive and forget. If she was capable of coming to such an ugly conclusion about me, who knows what else she could be capable of thinking where I am concerned. I’m not willing to find out.
Thank you to everyone that commented. When I wrote this post, I expected that there would be those out there that felt the way she did. So far nobody has. It was a very big comfort to know that other people would not come to the same conclusion she did. I appreciate all of you.
UPDATE 2: I(46m) got into a discussion with my gf(45f) that led to a huge fight. Now she says if I don’t change the way I think she’s gone
Sat, Jun 10, 2023
This is a long one guys, sorry.
I got so many supportive comments on the original post and I can’t begin to tell you all what it meant to me. Believe it or not it made the break up a little less traumatic knowing I had a few thousand people behind me (even if they were all strangers). So thank you to all of you. I also got quite a few requests for updates and a lot has happened in the last few weeks since the brake up so I thought I would share for those who care to know.
So the gf (now “ex” gf which she will be referred to as from this point on) was calling me constantly over the next week. It was bordering on harassment. She would apologize over and over and say that she loved me and no longer felt like I raped her and she just wanted to be with me again, etc. I told her repeatedly that while I wished her no ill will, I just felt like we weren’t meant to be and she would be better off finding someone less rapey than me. (ok I was harboring a little resentment that may have come off a tad immature at times).
At one point I told my daughter (28f and not from the ex) everything about the break up and what she said about me raping her at the wedding.
If I may digress a little for just a moment, I would like to explain. My daughter was born when I was 17. I pretty much raised her on my own. Her mom was very flakey and was rarely around. But in all fairness, she was only 18 so she was just young and not ready for a child. Not that I was anymore ready, but I knew somebody had to be the parent. So I think because we were so close in age, my daughter and I have a very close bond. We pretty much tell each other everything and no subject is off limits. For example, I was the first person she told when she gave her 1st blow job and then again when she lost her virginity. How many daughters do that?
Because we are so close, my daughter has always been very protective of me. I didn’t introduce her to most of the women I dated while she was growing up but the couple that became serious relationships she met and let’s just say she wasn’t very warm and welcoming to these women. But she was older when I got with my ex and while my daughter was not the most friendly to her upon meeting her, eventually they became pretty tight.
So after telling my daughter all about it (in hindsite it may have not been the smartest move I’ve ever made) she became so angry that she called my ex (I didn’t know she did this nor did I condone it. But how could I be angry with her for standing up for her old man?) She offered to arrange my ex’s face for cheaper than a plastic surgeon would and also to remove any teeth to prevent any toothaches she may get in the future. Although she wasn’t quite that polite about …
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