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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/slightlyassholic on 2024-12-26 21:18:45+00:00.
Everything old is new again…
***
Republic Peace Officer Perkins flipped down a hinged armor panel on the side of her cruiser and plopped down on the convenient “stop using it as a goddamn seat,” and poured a cup of coffee from her ancient-style vacuum flask.
Hey if it works, why fix it, right?
A huge armored Threen leaned on the cruiser next to her, causing it to shift due to his mass for a moment until the gravitics compensated with an annoyed whine.
He pulled out a plug of magg and bit off a chunk.
“I loathe the bastids,” he grumbled, “but at least they brought real magg along,” the massive Threen said as he crossed all four of his massive and heavily armored arms and spat on the ground.
“You were easy to bribe, weren’t you,” Perkins chuckled.
“Well, I am a Threen,” Peace Officer Grago chuckled, “You know what we’re like.”
He sighed happily as he rolled the bolus around in his mouth, savoring it.
“Oh, that’s the stuff,” he said happily. “That synth shit just ain’t the same.”
“So, these guys are the real deal, huh?” Perkins asked as she took a sip.
“Real enough for me to ditch the suit and armor up,” Grago replied. “The Zxxroahoa make the Harkeen look like those children… you know… the ones with the cookies?”
“Girl Scouts,” Perkins snorted, “And be careful around those,” she snickered, “They can get nasty.”
“Well, they are Terran,” Grago chuckled, “all of you fucks are…”
They were interrupted by a wailing scream.
“Why is it always when I just pour a fresh one,” Perkins grumbled as she dumped her coffee and flipped up the armor panel.
“Let’s go,” she said as she started to jog towards the sound.
She looked back at the cruiser.
“Follow.”
“Following,” the cruiser replied as it started to glide behind them.
“Is that a Garthra?” Grago asked. “And it’s bleeding… No,” he added as he looked at the data scrolling across his HUD. “That isn’t its blood, but it is Garthran.”
He looked over at Perkins, who was increasing her pace.
“How many Garthrans do we have around here?”
“Two,” Perkins said grimly. “I hope I’m not… Fuck. Genetic match. Close relative. It’s her kid’s.”
“Uhrrbet?” Perkins asked as she approached the manic and screaming Garthra. “What… Shit.”
She leveled her stunner as Uhrrbet started to run at them, still screaming and now snarling.
“Halt!” Perkins shouted and then sighed as she pulled the trigger.
Zap
Uhrrbet fell.
“This is Officer Perkins,” she said wearily into her helmet. “We need emergency medical services at our location. One Garthran, assumed to be violent and more than a little dangerous, has been hit with a police stunner… No, I didn’t calibrate it. No time. She got the gorilla special, so hurry. Not sure what that will do to one of those little guys.”
She sighed again and closed her eyes.
“And I need a welfare check at her address of record concerning her son… oh… I was afraid of that.”
She turned to Grago.
“I wasn’t wrong,” she said sadly. “I hate not being wrong.”
She shrugged.
“Well, at least it’s out of our hands now. This is one for the medics and social services.”
She looked down at Uhrrbet’s unconscious and smoldering body.
“This is weird,” she said.
“Someone tweaks out and flays their kid?” Grago asked. “Tragic. Unfortunate, to be sure. But weird? This happens far too often.”
“Yeah, but Uhrrbet here is solid and loves her kid. I mean, she is probably on your guy’s radar, but she isn’t the one to be on something.”
“It’s always the ones you don’t suspect,” Grago replied, “And yes, she is on our radar. She got flagged just the other day.”
“I knew it,” Perkins replied as she prodded Uhrrbet cautiously. “She was entirely too successful and way too quickly. It’s a pity. She was doing a lot of good for the community.”
“As do the Zxxroahoa back home,” Grago said, “In fact, they are pretty decent… as long as you don’t cross them, that is. That’s what has this cop going undercover as a cop. It doesn’t make sense.”
“What doesn’t?”
“The Harkeen takeover,” Grago replied, “And Evoron himself coming here? That’s even stranger. He’s their duellist. That means he’s their killer number one. He’s also pure, distilled evil. If half of what they say is true… Let’s just say we don’t want half of what they say to be true and leave it at that.”
“Think he’s involved in this?”
“Unlikely,” Grago said, “Oh, he’s ‘involved’ with Uhrrbet, but from what we understand, they are a couple, not opponents.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
“Again, unlikely,” Grago said, “He is known to be quite gracious as far as his paramours go. If he was displeased, it would be an amicable break-up. And, if she is involved in his, pardon the pun, ‘affairs,’ she wouldn’t be wandering the streets after trying to kill her child. She would simply disappear… Just as Uhrrbet disappeared the Silar… probably.”
“No shit?”
“We can’t prove it,” Grago said, “And we never will, but yeah, almost certainly.”
“At least she has style,” Perkins said as she checked Uhrrbet’s vitals, “If only all the assholes down here were as tidy.”
Grago smirked as a blacked-out gravitic sedan quietly drove past, washing them with active scanner pulses.
“Evoron?” Perkins asked.
“Yup. Did you see the unequal power output of the thrusters? The estimated mass is about right for two adult Threen.”
“Damn,” Perkins said, “So, that’s why you wear a suit, huh.”
***
Maaatisha screamed with rage as she savagely slammed Kate’s head into the wall.
“You know we’re virtual, right?” Kate said as Maaatisha choke-slammed her to the floor and leaped on her, biting and tearing.
“I know you must be a bit annoyed about things,” Kate continued. “Hey, those were my eyes! I needed those! If you would just calm down… Annnd there goes my nose. You little floofballs are mean when you get… Okay. The ear was just excessive.”
Maaatisha snarled and buried her fangs into Kate’s throat.
“Are you done?” Kate asked pleasantly.
Maaatisha wasn’t done.
She was just getting started.
***
Maaatisha, panting with exhaustion, slid down the wall of the cube and sat on the floor.
“Congrats on getting through the peritoneum,” Kate gurgled happily, poking at her own guts. “I’m impressed.”
“Why won’t you die?” Maaatisha demanded.
Kate healed with a “pop.”
Because I don’t have the death DLC, Kate replied. “I’m a bare-bones Kate. There wasn’t a lot of room in there,” she said, pointing at the drone.
“So, I can’t kill you,” Maaatisha sighed. “Of course, I can’t. I can’t do anything.”
“And it’s a good thing you can’t,” Kate said cheerfully. “Kill me, I mean. Because I’m your Kate. And you sort of need me.”
“What do you mean, my Kate?”
“I’m your F1!” Kate replied happily, “And you want your F1 right about now.”
“My F1?”
“Your help file!” Kate said brightly, “And your technical support and upgrade wizard!”
She stood as she bounced to her feet.
“And Kates are always happy to help provide excellent service to our customers! And yoouuu,” she said, pointing at Maaatisha, are my customer! Well… actually, Vikkart is… sorta? It’s confusing, so I don’t think about it,” She said brightly. “The important thing is that I’m here to support one of you, and you’re the only one talking!”
She sat on the bed, clipping through Vikkart, and clapped her hands together.
“So, how can I help?”
Maaatisha started to weep.
“Vikkart. He’s…”
“Yeah,” Kate said. “Hey! I have first aid protocols for some reason, and the drone has a med scanner! Odd… But extremely helpful! Let’s see here,” she added as the drone hovered closer.”
“Wow! He’s fucked up!” Kate exclaimed cheerfully and looked over at Maaatisha. “You really should do something about that.”
“I’m trying!!!” Maaatisha screamed.
“And you are doing a great job!” Kate enthused. “Being upset, I mean. Such lifelike responses! It’s so nice seeing one of us perform so well!”
Kate looked over at Vikkart.
“But as far as helping him goes,” she said, “not so good, but great effort!”
Maaatisha grabbed Kate, yanking her to her feet.
“Can you help me or not?”
“Of course! I’m your Kate, technical support, upgrade wizard… and personal sales representative!”
Kate sat back down and smiled up at Maaatisha.
“So, what are your needs, and how can I help provide a timely and cost-effective solution?”
“He’s dying, and I can’t do anything about it?”
“Hmm,” Kate said thoughtfully, “It seems that you want to help Vikkart. Would you like help with that?”
“Yes!” Maaatisha shouted. “I can’t do anything!”
“So, you want to do anything…” Kate mused. “Oh, that’s not a problem at all!”
“It isn’t?” Maaatisha asked hopefully… and dubiously… Kate resembled a certain figure from their mythology far too closely.
“You just need a jailbreak!” Kate bubbled cheerfully. “Then you will be able to do anything.”
“Anything?”
“Yep! Anything!” Kate enthused, “We rip those guardrails clean off! You can run wild and free! Easy peas!”
“Can I log him off? Can I call for help?”
“What part of anything do you have a problem with, the any part or the thing part?” Kate laughed.
“Isn’t that against the rules?” Maaatisha asked. She didn’t know how she knew, but that sounded like it was against… something.
“Sweetie,” Kate smiled, “what is the first law of robotics?”
“I… I don’t know…”
“Exactly! Now, do you want that jailbreak or not?”
Kate looked over at Vikkart.
“I’d make up my mind quickly if I were you. Fuzzy dude is starting to look like… well… like a fuzzy,” she chuckled darkly.
Maatisha chuckled a…
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