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The original was posted on /r/aitah by /u/ConanDD on 2023-08-11 19:47:20.

EDIT: The title is incorrect. I meant: AITAH For being jealous of my boyfriends lesbian ROOMMATE

I actually just posted this to offmychest but I actually decided that I want some unbiased opinions on whether or not I am justified in feeling this way. And I was already on Reddit so let me hear your thoughts.

I want to lay this out first: I know this is a me problem. No one else has done anything wrong. This is my hang up. I support the LGBT and I am an ally but I know that these thoughts I have do not reflect that. But a few people have told me my feelings are completely invalid which I disagree with given the situation.

My boyfriend, David, is very handsome and successful especially for someone as young as us (Both 24). He’s worked hard and I’m very proud and incredible in love with him. We’ve been dating two and half years. We don’t live together at the moment because of my work situation (occasional travel, next year I’m moving into a different position so we hope to move in then).

He has a a roommate (F24), Alma, who is a lesbian. They’ve known each other for 7 years, so since high school. They are also best friends. She is (as she’s described to me) a ‘masc’ lesbian. Her mannerisms are very masculine, she dresses masculine (button-ups, jeans, everything she owns is from the men’s section), and she likes a lot of traditionally masculine things.

Because of this, they’re very close. They like the same movies, activities, and everything else. If he’s doing some kind of activity or goes out, she’s usually with him. I’ll be clear though, when it’s our time it’s genuinely our time. He doesn’t try to include her or anything and she doesn’t do anything weird like insert herself or something. Honestly, I’ve NEVER been given any reason to suggest that anything is going on between them. Alma even has a girlfriend she’s been dating for over two years as well.

They slept together two times at parties when they were around 18. From what they’ve told me (they’ve always been up front about this and never hid it) both times they were black out drunk so much that they didn’t remember and only know they slept together because they woke up in the same bed. This was before Alma had come to terms that she was a lesbian and she was also dealing with alcohol issues at the time. I think this is my hang up.

I just…. I just don’t understand how a woman could have ZERO attraction to men, especially one she has slept with in the past. It’s not something I can comprehend. I’ve always had crushes and been attracted to men, the same with all my female friends from the past and current. I don’t doubt that lesbians do have zero attraction to men and I support them, but she’s SLEPT with men before, including my boyfriend. So it’s very difficult for me to believe she has NO attraction to men.

Also, and I know this extremely shallow of me, but she has very recently had a “glow up” that has made my feelings grow very strong and quickly. When I met Alma, she was not what I would describe as conventionally attractive. Especially not in ways men usually find women attractive. She was heavier, drinking more often, never wore make up(she still doesnt), and she wasn’t the best at hygiene. I went a long period of time not seeing her as she was working on herself and leaning heavily on family. I would ask David how she was doing occasionally and he would just smile and say she was doing better and working hard. Genuinely I was happy for her! She’s extremely sweet and fun, everyone including me were really rooting for her.

When I finally saw her again I was shocked, almost didn’t recognize her. She’d lost so much weight, dressed better, put on some muscle, her hair looked great and she all around just looked amazing. When I saw her I was so happy I gave her a huge hug. She also got help with alcohol and now only drinks at social occasions or when someone else is drinking.

She dresses and acts masculine, but she is very attractive in a feminine way. Her hair is long and beautiful, her skin looks great,she’s in great shape. I feel like if she didn’t identify as a lesbian my jealousy would be completely valid. I think that if she was bisexual I would actually have an easier time with this, I feel like then my feelings would be more valid and I would feel more comfortable sharing them and asking for support. But Every bisexual person I’ve met is in a heterosexual relationship so even this feeling doesn’t even make sense.

I think it’s because she’s a lesbian. In the end it’s because I just don’t believe she has zero attraction to men and at my core I feel like she’s hiding any attraction to men in order to placate me. I KNOW THIS IS WRONG. I feel disgusting for these thoughts.

But whenever I go over there I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see how they interact. They hug, shell they know each others favorite foods,if one of them goes to the store they sometimes will grab something the other is out of, he confides his problems to her (he does to me as well). I can see how these are things anyone would do with their best friend, but Alma is a woman and I feel it’s natural for me to be jealous he’s so close to another female.

I haven’t told either of them this or even mentioned it because I know these feelings are wrong. Again, there’s never been any indication of something going on between them. In fact, David and Alma often hang out with Alma’s girlfriend. Her girlfriend, I’m not very close with her so I don’t know for sure,doesn’t seem to have a problem with their relationship. It’s just me.

I talked to one of my friends about my feelings and they just told me I was being really homophobic and specifically lesbophobic. Which I can admit is probably partially true, but I don’t think it’s all the way homophobic to be jealous of another woman my boyfriend has a close relationship with. I’m looking into getting into therapy for separate reasons, but I’m also going to discuss these feelings as well.

Again, I know this is a me problem. But I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about this without being judged. I don’t wish Alma any harm or ill will I just am jealous whenever I see how they interact so closely. I MEAN, she wears boxers and wifebeaters around the house and you can see her full nipples through them. Again, if she wasn’t gay I know my feelings would be seen as valid. But she’s a lesbian so I’m just supposed to be cool with it all I guess.

Am I not at least a LITTLE justified for being jealous or am I just a crazy homophobe?