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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-29 05:02:13+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MissionAtmosphere16
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA for cutting my wife’s stepmother off from my kids until she deletes her Instagram account?
Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy, emotional manipulation
Original Post: January 3, 2025
My wife and I have two children (8M and 5F) and we’re expecting a third. Since our eldest was born, we have been clear and consistent about not wanting pictures of them posted online. It was my wife’s idea, but still a mutual decision.
Most of our friends and family have no problem with that, but we’ve had problems with my wife’s stepmother. She has, on several occasions, posted photos of our children on her Instagram account without our consent. Most are harmless (pictures of her with them or family photos with more people in them), but there have been a few times she took pictures of the kids behind their backs and posted them.
Every time we see a photo of our children on her Instagram page, we tell her to delete it. She always does, but the next time she sees them, it happens again. We have been having this discussion with her since our daughter was born. She never listens.
Anyway, my family spent New Year’s Eve at a rented beach house with some of my wife’s paternal family. We returned home on Jan. 1st. That same day, my wife’s stepmother posted several pictures from the trip. Buried between them were three photos of our kids on the beach. They’re both wearing swimsuits and (except for one of the pictures) don’t seem aware they’re being photographed.
My wife and I talked, and we both agreed we’ve given her stepmother enough chances. As long as she’s active on social media, she will continue posting pictures of our children without our consent.
We called her yesterday and said that she won’t be allowed to see our kids unless she deletes her Instagram account. That means she won’t have any kind of contact with them, receive pictures or be invited to their events.
She cried during the call, and tried to promise us she would delete the New Year’s Eve post and never do anything like this again, but we told her we can’t trust her. She can keep her account if she wants to, but she won’t be allowed near our kids if she does.
My father-in-law (who is also against posting pictures of children on social media) called my wife last night. He agreed that her stepmother crossed a line, but said cutting her off from our children was an exaggeration. He said she has just started to make money with social media, but she also loves our kids very much, and it’s cruel to force her to choose.
I don’t think we’re in the wrong here, but I’m still worried we’re taking this too far. AITA?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the unanimous votes of NTA
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: You’ve been telling her to stop doing this for FIVE YEARS? NTA.
OOP: She started doing this around the same time my daughter was born. She eased up during the pandemic (though it was probably because we barely sent her pictures of them then), but went back to it as soon as she started seeing the kids again.
Commenter 2: How exactly is she sneaking pics if you are supervising? It’s sounds more and more like you just don’t like your in-laws and want to phase them out. You are going to wreck your marriage if your wife is even remotely close to her parents and you force this.
OOP: She once took a picture of my daughter while she was pretending to text her mother. She finds a way.
I have nothing against my in-laws (I actually get along well with FIL). My wife is not close with her stepmother, and I wouldn’t cut ties with FIL without consulting her first. She is completely on my side.
Downvoted Commenter: What’s the point of grandkids if you can’t show off a picture of them or with them? I’m a parent of two daughters and as long as it’s family oriented photo with clothes on I could care less what my family posts. Why do you suck the joy out of the grandparents for harmless photos?
OOP: The point of grandkids is absolutely not posting pictures of them online. And the second a picture of my child is posted without my consent, it’s no longer harmless.
Commenter 3: Nta. If you think it might be genuine, give another shot. Seems like this time it struck a nerve. Maybe she will remember. What is your wife’s relationship like with her dad and step mom? Seems like that would be a relevant part of this discussion.
OOP: I don’t think it’s genuine. She’s been apologizing and saying she’d stop for 5 years. I’ve heard a hundred different excuses for posting pictures of my children (“It was an accident”, “I forgot you guys didn’t like this”, “It was so cute, I couldn’t help myself”).
My wife is not close with her stepmother (she started dating FIL when my wife was 20).
Commeneter 4: So make the policy no cell phones while children are there. If she takes out her cell phone the visit ends. Or have them come visit at your home and ask for cell phones to be put in a basket until they leave. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. How is her father supposed to see the children without his wife? It will cause problems in their marriage if he does, possibly divorce. How will it impact your wife and kids if they never see your father in law again? There are repercussions for such drastic measures.
OOP: Prohibiting cell phones has already been suggested here, and I’d be willing to discuss this with my wife. That said, FIL can absolutely see my kids without his wife. And if we do have to cut ties with her, I’d expect him to.
Is OOP’s wife willing to cut her father off if he doesn’t respect the boundaries?
OOP: You don’t know my wife.
My kids don’t think of my wife’s stepmother as a grandparent. They’d be upset about my FIL, but we know how to talk to them about this.
Update: January 22 2025 (2.5 weeks later)
Hey folks. I thought I’d give you an update.
I think I got into a lot of detail in the comments, but I feel like I should mention the following:
- My wife’s stepmother is 45. I’m not “bullying the elderly” here.
- She has 60k followers on Instagram.
- Her Instagram account is not focused solely on my children. She started out as a “lifestyle” blogger. A few years ago, she started posting “family stuff” as well, and now at least half of her content revolves around that.
- She tries to post pictures of my kids every time she takes them. Almost every time we see her, she posts a new picture. She has also posted more photos of my daughter than of my son.
- Both me and my wife are on Instagram, but not very actively. She has a private account and another one for her job. I only have my personal account, in which I rarely post anything. Neither of us have ever posted our children’s faces in any of these accounts.
- My wife doesn’t see her stepmother as a parent (she started dating my father-in-law when my wife was 20), and they’re not very close. My children don’t see her as a grandmother, either.
- This isn’t about me looking for a reason to cut ties with my in-laws. I get along very well with my wife’s father, and besides her behavior concerning social media, I have no problem with her stepmother. I really shouldn’t have to explain why me and my wife don’t want pictures of our children online.
- If you are a parent who has no problem with others posting photos of your kids, that’s fine. I’m not here to change your mind, nor would I attempt to if I were. Your decisions regarding your children are your own, as are mine.
- None of us live in the United States.
I read your comments and talked things through with my wife. As upset as we are about this, we feel the need to deal with it fairly. So we have to take into consideration that:
-
Her stepmother’s account is not focused solely on our children; and
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We had never threatened her with loss of contact before, so our ultimatum might have been too sudden.
That said, we are still not comfortable with our children being posted on social media, and we regret not effectively stopping this sooner. So however we move forward, we need to make it clear that we are serious about this boundary.
A few days ago, my wife and I met her father and stepmother at their place. We left the kids with my wife’s mother. We sat them down and told them we’d retract the ultimatum, but we don’t trust her stepmother not to sneak pictures of our children again.
We decided to propose something many of you suggested: a no-phone policy (which we would ALL abide by) whenever my wife’s stepmother saw our kids. She also would no longer receive any pictures of them from anyone. And if she ever posted a photo of our children anywhere again, then we would cut her off from them.
My father-in-law agreed right away, but his wife got offended. She said we couldn’t control how she used her phone. She tried to promise us she’d stop posting the kids again, but we said no. We can’t trust her anymore, and we have no intention of giving her more chances.
The four of us had an argument about this. My father-in-law mostly took our side. It lasted a whi…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1icmaqp/aita_for_cutting_my_wifes_stepmother_off_from_my/
MIL has some sick priorities.
The four of us had an argument about this. My father-in-law mostly took our side. It lasted a while. My wife’s stepmother started by apologizing, but eventually started trying to defend herself. She told us she always thought we were overreacting, and that lots of people post pictures of their children online everyday without any problems.
We asked her why she was so insistent on posting pictures of our kids. She tried to dodge the question at first, but she admitted that posts with the kids got more engagement. She used the New Year’s post as an example. It was only up for a little over 24 hours before she took it down, but she claimed it was one of her most successful posts ever. When I asked her why she thought that had happened, she said it was because the kids “looked so cute in them.”
My wife looked at her stepmother and said “No, it’s because they’re barely dressed in them. You cannot convince us that a photo of our five-year-old daughter in a swimsuit is getting attention from thousands of strangers because she’s cute. Either you’re an idiot, or you know what you’re doing by posting these pictures.”
She started crying. She said her content was wholesome, her followers were good people, and we had no right to control her like that. My father-in-law was silent.
That’s when we gave up. We told her to keep her Instagram, but accept she is losing access to our kids. She tried more excuses (including “some of my followers think they’re my kids,” which my wife is especially furious about), but we stood our ground and went home.
My father-in-law called me and my wife later that night. He told us he was disappointed in his wife and was taking our side. We’re not sure how to deal with him. Neither of us want to cut him off, but we’re not certain we can trust him. My wife just told him we needed some space, and he said that was fine.
I’m exhausted, and my wife is doing even worse. But we’ve spoken about this, and we’re both also relieved. We’ve still got work to do, but nothing we can’t handle. For now, we have two amazing children and a baby on the way, and they will always be our #1 priority.
Thank you for all your support. I’m busy with the kids, so I can’t promise I’ll reply to as many comments this time, but I’ll do my best.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Still NTA. You’re not wrong to want to keep your kids images/info off the internet, my wife and I feel the same way about our kids. There are too many creeps/predators out there to take chances.
OOP: We made that decision when our son was a toddler. The more stories we hear about what can happen to these pictures, the more we’re convinced it was the right decision.
Commenter 2: Bruh, her account is public?? She’s pretending to be their mom?! Yeah step MIL is cut off. I’m deciding for you. I’m not even as restrictive with my kids pics, as long as my family has private accounts, I don’t mind. (No one has all that many followers and the ones they do are all people I know personally. We aren’t big on social media really). But damn, even with private accounts, I would still be uncomfortable with my 4 yr in a swimsuit on someone’s page. And then if anyone tried to claim fame by being my kids mom, I would just believe they’ve truly lost it. Unstable people have no room to be around my kids. NTA!!!
OOP: She didn’t really get into the “some of my followers think they’re my kids” thing (that was literally all she said), but I’m inclined to believe it was more of a mistake she didn’t correct than an actual lie she told them. My wife and I saw every post she made of our children, and she never claimed they were hers in the description.
Commenter 3: Did you make her delete all the existing pictures of them?? NTA of course.
OOP: We made her delete every picture she ever posted of them. My wife would check her account frequently to make sure.
Commenter 4: You did your due diligence by offering to hear her out and find a middle ground solution. Then she revealed that not only does she have no intention of respecting your boundaries (because that’s the only reason to question and minimize them like she did), she’s been misleading people into thinking those are her children. I hope you’re now completely comfortable in permanently denying her access to your children.
OOP: We’re 100% fine with cutting her off. My wife and her were never close, and we’re done giving her chances.
Commenter 5: Your wife‘s stepmother has shown her true colours. She values engagement not your kids. Your kids are a means to an end, she will never respect their privacy nor value a relationship with them.
I would stick with a no phone policy with your wife’s father and not send him photos of any of your kids. Any visit has to be supervised and under circumstances that you can fully control. I am sorry to say this but your wife’s father sounds like a hypocrite, he is against posting children’s photos on social media but did not actively stop his wife from posting photos of his grandkids on social media, what is worse one of them was his young grandkids in swimsuits. It would take a very long time before I can trust him, if at all.
OOP: That’s why we’re not certain how to proceed here. We don’t want to cut him off, but we can’t ignore the fact it took him 5 years and an argument with his wife for him to start siding with us. Most likely, we’ll lower our contact with him for a while.
Commenter 6: does stepmother understand that anyone can take those photos and do what they want with them including photoshopping their faces onto images of abuse? They don’t have to be one of her 60k followers who she obviously can’t vet individually.
Do you also have the option to report any images to IG if they occur or are still there? I know it’s probably not very effective but if she’s putting her IG account before family this might hit her where it hurts
OOP: If this happens again, we’re reporting it. Some people here have said Instagram tends to take these things seriously.
To be honest, I think she does understand, and is doing this on purpose. This has been a problem for 5 years now. It got even worse a few months ago, when she started getting a couple minor brand deals. We explained why we have this boundary countless times, and she never made any effort to respect it.
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