This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/strubisach on 2025-01-29 08:27:46+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Jazzlike-Key-5382.

This post was originally posted to r/AmITheJerk.

TRIGGER WARNING:  manipulation

MOOD SPOILERS:  frustrating but also empowering

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ORIGINAL POST posted on January 18th 2025

So, here’s the situation: I (28M) have a sister (26F) who is getting married in a few months. We’ve always had a bit of a rocky relationship. Growing up, she was the golden child, always getting what she wanted, and I often felt like my needs and accomplishments were overlooked in comparison. This became even more apparent when we both started getting older, and I noticed that whenever she had a problem or wanted something, it was always expected that I’d be there to support her, even when it was inconvenient for me.

Now, she’s planning this huge wedding—like, really extravagant. She’s talking about a destination wedding, fancy venues, a designer dress, the whole works. She’s already racked up a huge bill, and a couple of weeks ago, she came to me asking for a loan of $10,000 to help cover some of the costs. She mentioned how my other sibling (who has a lot more money than I do) had already agreed to contribute, and it’s just expected that I’ll do the same.

Here’s the thing: I don’t have that kind of money lying around, and I’ve been working hard to pay off student loans and save for my own future. I didn’t feel comfortable dipping into my savings for something that I feel is, frankly, a bit excessive. I politely told her I couldn’t afford it, but she became really upset and said that “family helps each other out” and that I should be there for her, especially since she helped me when I was in a tough spot a couple of years ago (I had a health issue that set me back financially).

I tried to explain that while I appreciated her past help, I’m not in a position to help with her wedding, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to give such a large sum. She got really angry and started telling the rest of the family that I was being selfish and unsupportive. Now, most of my relatives are siding with her, saying I should just “make it work” for family.

I’m feeling really conflicted. I know it’s her big day, but I don’t think I should have to sacrifice my financial stability for it. Am I the jerk for refusing to help pay for her wedding?

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UPDATEwas posted on January 22nd 2025

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your feedback on my initial post. I’ve been reading through all of the comments and trying to take in the advice and perspectives. I honestly didn’t expect the response to be so overwhelming, but it’s been really helpful in sorting through my own feelings about this situation.

I wanted to share an update since things have progressed since I posted.

After I turned down my sister’s request for the $10,000 loan, things did not go well. She was furious, and as I mentioned before, she told the rest of the family that I was being “selfish” and “unsupportive.” At first, it was mostly just her and a couple of other relatives siding with her, but the situation quickly escalated. My mom in particular has been really pressuring me to “just help out” because “family sticks together” and “it’s for her big day.” It’s been really uncomfortable, and honestly, the guilt trip has been nonstop.

I still stand by my decision, though. I’m not in a position to hand over that kind of money, and I’m really focused on my own financial stability. I’ve been working hard to pay off debt and save up for my own future goals. That said, I did offer a compromise. I told her I could contribute in a more reasonable way, like helping with smaller expenses (decorations, or maybe a few hundred dollars) rather than giving her a huge loan. But she was not happy with this and said it wasn’t enough.

The situation with the family has gotten tense. Some of my relatives, especially on my dad’s side, are more understanding of my position, but a lot of others are still on my sister’s side. There’s been a fair amount of pressure to “step up” and support her, but I’m holding firm.

I also realized I have some deeper feelings of resentment toward my sister that I hadn’t fully processed before. Growing up, it always felt like she was the golden child, and I was the one who had to work harder for everything, so this whole situation has just been a reminder of that dynamic. I guess I’m still processing some of that old tension, and it’s making this situation feel even more complicated.

In the end, I’ve decided that I’m not going to let guilt or family pressure dictate my choices. I can’t afford the loan she’s asking for, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to compromise my financial goals for her wedding. I’ve tried to be clear with her, but at this point, I’m just trying to navigate things with as much peace as possible.

Thanks again for your advice and support—it’s really helped me stick to my decision.

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I’m not the OOP!