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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/strubisach on 2025-01-29 08:31:33+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SpeechDistinct8793.
This post was originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
TRIGGER WARNING:Self Harm, Attempted Homicide, Drug Usage, Mentions of Pornography, Harassment, Stalking
MOOD SPOILERS:infuriating, frustrating & depressing, with a glimmer of hope
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ORIGINAL POST posted on January 2nd 2025
This is a long one, TLDR at the bottom
So I (25F) recently had a confrontation with my mom (47F) after Christmas, and I’m a little unsure if I went too far in my response.
Backstory: My mom divorced my stepfather 5 years ago and moved in with her partner, Jessica (48F). I was in college at the time, but my little brother (17M) also moved with my mother as my stepfather was found to be abusive and a danger to live with (untreated military PTSD). The divorce, I think, amplified a lot of the issues that my brother had, and he began acting out in school (bad grades, problems with other kids). During this time it was found out that he had a pretty bad porn addiction and was chatting with grown men online and trying to steal credit cards and money to buy access to different chatting sites. We also found that he was cutting himself and stealing Jessica’s medication like Xanax and Promethazine. My mom, stepfather, and Jessica all came together to get him to help, enrolling him in therapy and taking him to different specialists and eventually taking him to a mental hospital. For about 3 months we were all on rotation visiting him, trying to provide him comfort while he was away.
When he came back, things were fine for a while, but then the issues started coming in again. First, he was lying to his friends about us to the extent that his friend’s parents were contacting our mom and stepdad about the alleged abuse. Then he lied to a doctor about it and actually called CPS. The case was dropped because he claimed abuse to the extent that he was being beaten every day and that he was unfed and without a place to sleep. Imagine the case worker’s face when she walked into his fully furnished room with a mini fridge, expensive gaming systems, brand name clothes and saw a fully stocked kitchen. It also didn’t help that every person interviewed had no clue about the specified events he claimed to have happened.
After the case was dropped, he upped the ante. He started trying to pit my mom and stepdad against each other. He stopped visiting him and claimed it was because my mom wouldn’t let him. And then I would tell my mom that my stepdad was bad-mouthing her and not talking to my brother because he was gay. He even lied to my mom and said that our great aunt and uncle (maternal) threatened to beat him for being gay. None of this was true, and he eventually confessed to it. Then he tried to cause division between Mom and Jessica, but by then, the trust they had in him was gone so nothing too bad happened. When that didn’t work, he tried to poison Jessica by crushing pills into her food. The only reason it didn’t work out was because she noticed that her food had bubbles in it, and it tasted soapy. She spit it out, and he eventually confesses. At this point, my mom was at her wit’s end and began punishing him differently; she started taking away leisure and extracurricular activities. So, no more Xbox or Nintendo Switch. There were no more fun weekend trips, and he just went to school and back home. Things continued largely the same, with him doing something and then receiving some kind of punishment. He would be good for a little bit and get off punishment only to do something to be on punishment again.
All thing’s came to head last year when he came home from school and my mom got a phone call from his principal stating that a student had reported him for stalking and harassment. Apparently, he liked a boy who only wanted to be with him as an experiment. Then when they “broke up” my brother couldn’t handle and was always trying to find him school and hound his friend about getting in contact with the boy. The principal also said my brother had stolen a hoodie from the student. So my mom went through his room while he was with his dad, to find the hoodie. When looking for the hoodie, she found a notebook that had alarming drawings on the cover. She went through it and found detailed plans on how and when to unalive my mom, stepdad, Jessica, me, and the boy from school.
This caused a lot of panic for us, as on top of Mom finding that notebook, he ran away from his dad’s house and was found the following day with a friend’s parents. He was taken to the hospital to make sure he was ok, and it was determined that he would go to another mental facility. He stayed there for about a month and came out unrepentant and uncaring about all the stress his actions had caused. When he came out, the decision was made for him to stay with his Dad primarily instead of our mom. He’s been there since January 2024.
The Situation: Now, since he’s been with his dad, my mom has begun doing everything in her power to make him like her again. She vacillates between buying his love and always visiting him when she’s off of work. Unfortunately, he seems to want nothing to do with Mom, Jessica, and me. Christmas was a few days ago, and mom offered for him to visit for Christmas. And that turned into him visiting from 8 am to 8 pm Christmas day, which for me was a lot. My mom and Jessica seemed to enjoy having him around, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious. Even our dog was cautious around him and actually stayed by me the entire day. I’ve felt on edge since the attempted poisoning incident with Jessica, and finding his “list” has only made me feel worse. At 17, he looks like a linebacker, and my mother just invited him to a house full of women with no way of defending themselves. He always has this look in his eye when he looked at me or mom and Jessica but they don’t seem to see it.
When we talked about his visit, I just asked not to be left alone with him, and everyone agreed to it. Then, when he gets there, my mom and Jessica immediately start going upstairs for long periods, leaving me to cook downstairs with him in the living room. He was largely silent but kept smirking at me the entire time and eventually began to sit at the kitchen island, just watching me. We ate dinner, and he largely kept silent, just staring at me or glancing at Jessica. Then he just abruptly says, “I’m pansexual now, and I’m dating a girl now.” They started talking to him about the change, but he just kept staring. I eventually just went back to my room upstairs with my dog and stayed until his dad came to get him. Yesterday, Mom, Jessica, and I talked about the visit, and they spent a good 20 minutes talking about how happy they were to see him and how he’s grown. They realized that I was silent and asked my opinion. I said it was ok. They kept pressing until I said everything above. My mom got upset with me, saying that I needed to keep an open mind and that I was overreacting. She told me I needed to be a good big sister and extend the olive branch. I told her I would do no such thing and that I have every right to feel uneasy and anxious about having someone, in a place I consider safe, come in after talking and admitting to wanting to unalive me and even attempt that with Jessica. I can’t forgiven him for that even if nothing came about it because he never apologized and there hasn’t been a change in behavior. I told her she was a fool not to see the signs and that while she may be happy to play family, she can’t forget that her name was on the list. Since this conversation, my mom has been pretty distant and has actually been spending even more time with him. Jessica and I spoke, and she agreed with me but also said that I need to consider that he is also her child, and he needs his parents.
So, AITAH
TLDR: My brother has tried to poison my mom’s partner and had an “unaliving” list for my mom, stepdad, step-mom, and me. He leaves to live with his dad and visits for Christmas this year. He came for 12 hrs and acted weird. I told my mom that I wouldn’t forgive him for the list and she is now mad at me.
r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC has no consensus bot, but the commenters voted OOP unanimously NTA.
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UPDATE was posted on January 20th 2025
Welp, it’s been 2 weeks since I left back to campus an…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1icpbeh/aita_for_telling_my_mom_that_i_dont_forgive_my/
UPDATE was posted on January 20th 2025 Welp, it’s been 2 weeks since I left back to campus and its come with some good and bad things. Thanks to many of the people who commented and dm’d me, I was able to come up with a game plan to 1. talk with my mom and Jessica about my brother and 2. find resources to permanently stay away if things go south.
About a week and a half ago, I sat down with mom and Jessica to fully explain everything I was feeling. I told her about how I felt that she still saw him as her baby and wasn’t taking him seriously. And that now since he’s decided to keep living with his dad, she wants to do everything she criticized his dad for doing. I told her that I thought her reaction to my brother put us in jeopardy and that her actions likely had much to do with her unresolved trauma with her own parents and her resentment for how her mother treated her in comparison to her brother.
To be fair she didn’t reject the claim. She fully owned up to it. She said that over time she recognized the signs but didn’t know how to stop because she didn’t want to lose him forever. She said she felt that if she didn’t do it this way, she would just end up becoming everything her mom said she would be as a parent. Jessica spoke after and apologized for her initial reaction to my feelings and for not taking my concerns seriously when I first brought them up. She said for her part, she just didn’t see him as a threat and reasoned that if push came to shove, she would defend the household and herself by whatever means necessary if he attempted anything so she just assumed I felt the same way.
I thought with these new revelations, we would be on our way to finding a better way forward in managing a relationship with my brother. But then my mother put a stop to all of that: she doesn’t want to change.
She reasons that she’s close to a breakthrough with him and she doesn’t want to change things if she since feels that would hinder any progress. She asked me to just “work on my emotions” and “promised” that once he was cured we could go from there.
At that Jessica got angry with mom on my behalf. She laid into my mom saying that she had two children, not just once, and it is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate to expect one child to “make do” just so she could maintain a failing relationship with her other child, who, at the end of the day caused the consequences he’s in now. She said and I quote, " You keep babying that boy and then wonder why he has no respect for you." which led to my mom crying and and leaving to go stay with, surprise, surprise, her ex-husband (my step dad) and my brother.
My mom left her disabled wife to go stay with her ex-husband and brother in the house they used to share.
Jessica is understandably upset, as they have been having problems for a while now, and this might just be the nail in the coffin. Since she left she hasn’t answered anyone’s calls, neither has my brother or step dad. I stayed with Jessica until the last day before classes. During that period I think Jessica and I bonded even further. We already got along pretty well, but I think for the first time, I understood what it was like to have someone have your back.
Even while she was hurting, she kept checking in with me to make sure I was handling everything ok and that I had everything prepared for the semester. I made sure to spend as much time as possible since she doesn’t have a lot of family around. We’ve even been playing on repeat a certain rapper playing at the Super Bowl this year (she’s become a certified fan since the beef started lol.) Before I left, she gave me some paperwork. She said that this was supposed to be a graduation present for me but in light of recent events she doesn’t know what will happen in the future and asked to adopt me.
I can’t begin to explain the wave of emotions that came over me. My own father didn’t want me and my stepdad literally said “I’d change my name when I get married anyway, what’s the point.” So the fact that this woman, even with all the shit that has happened over the last few years, she chose me. Needless to say, I said yes and we both bawled like babies and watched the Wiz back to back.
Since I’ve been on campus my mom has only sent one message saying she needs time to think and needs space. I didn’t respond just muted her notification. While on campus, I found some organizations that work within my career field that also offer internships that come with stipends and full-time work contracts upon successful completion of the program. My case looks like it will be wrapping up soon which will let me start working again so I can build back up my savings.
Other than that, I guess I’m good. Definitely in a better head space. Just ready to graduate. Thanks to everyone who gave me words of encouragement and advice. Even the harshest ones helped, someyimes tough love is needed.
TL;Dr: Mom knows what she did was wrong but doesn’t want to change. Jessica got mad, and now mom is staying with her ex-husband and my brother. I’m getting adopted!!
There was no mention of a further update, but the situation seems to still be up in the air, so I’ll leave this post as inconclusive.
I’m not the OOP!
That guy stopped being her son a long time ago.
