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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/No_Remove_2511 on 2023-06-21 20:26:29+00:00.

I 57M have two kids Erica 24F and Dave (adopted) 25M with my husband, Liam 62M. When Erica was 16, she got pregnant and decided to keep her baby. I was very upset, as I felt a child would impact her future and she wasn’t thinking of the consequences. However, after having her son Adam 8M, she became more responsible and my husband helped raise Adam while she did high school and part time when she completed her degree. She now works and supports herself and Adam.

Dave announced recently that he and Anna 25F, are expecting their first child, this caused tension in our family. Erica is my daughter from my first marriage and is mixed race, while me, Liam, Anna and Dave are white. Anna went to the same school as my kids, and made comments about both Erica and Adam’s heritage, and shaming Erica for being a teen mom. Dave told us that Anna has grown as a person and that she is changed, but Erica refused to be around Anna spending holidays with her mom and was angry that Dave would have a relationship with Anna after what she did. Anna has apologised after that talk, but Erica feels the apology is insincere and too late but does now attend family events and mostly ignores Anna but will not allow Adam to be near her. I am struggling to balance both relationships with my kids. Anna and Dave recently invited us all to their gender reveal, and I though this would be a good way to move forward as a family as we all agreed to attend.

After the gender reveal, Dave asked Liam and I for our car keys, as he wanted to load some of the baby shower presents in our car. I was confused and asked why. Apparently, both he and Anna thought that like we helped raised Adam, we would help raise their new baby, so they wanted to load our car with some of the diapers/baby clothes for when we look after our new grandchild. We told them no, as we are too old now and that they are both financially stable to look after the new baby. While we are happy to occasionally help out, they should be responsible for their own child, as they are old enough. Dave said that him and Anna have lots of student debt and can’t afford to take time off and need the childcare more as Erica got a single parent grant to help pay tuition. They called me and Liam unfair as they raising a child is expensive now and that we should help out. Dave has said we ruined Anna’s big day as an expecting mom, and that we should have at least said no in private, but thinks that at least for the first few years should be hands on grandparents. Dave also accused us of favouring Erica over him, even though we said the situations are both different.

I am about to retire, and Liam and I have had plans for years about going back to our home country which they both know. I would have said I was in the right here, but even Erica thinks we are being too harsh on Dave and Anna.