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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-02-22 05:04:05+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Live_Long_and_Profit
Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest
My best friend died and now I’m rethinking my relationship with my girlfriend
Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, animal death, cancer, enotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior
Original Post: February 12, 2025
All names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Hi, I (41m) hav a daughter (13f) who is the light of my life. Her mother passed during childbirth. For the past decade I’ve tried dating, but with disastrous results.
A yr before my daughter (call her Stephanie) was born my wife (Joy) bought me a Border Collie pup who I named Flip. Somehow it was Flip who managed to keep me sane the first 2 years after my wife’s death. He was my best friend. He guarded Stephanie and protected her, like he was an extra dad. Steph lived Flip so much. Every vacation, every trip she insisted on bringing Flip and of course that was more than ok wit me.
Last year I finally struck gold. I met Donna (39f) who helped fill the void in my life with Joy’s passing. She is warm, kind, and intelligent. She took to Stephanie like a champ and even though sh doesn’t like dogs, Flip won her over. Everything was looking up. Donna moved into my house a month ago.
Flip developed cancer and I had to take him to the vet to be put down. I’m not ashamed to say I cried almost the entire day. Stephanie too. She’s devastated.
When I told Donna she said, “Oh well, time to get a cat now so we can both enjoy a pet.”
Wtf?? I couldn’t believe what I heard. I told her my best friend died and she’s so damn dismissive. She replied that it’s just an animal, no biggie. My heart shattered all over again.
Of course Steph heard the exchange and now doesn’t want anything to do with Donna. Won’t talk to her. I made up the guest room and told Donna she’s sleeping there for a while. She got mad and is now not speaking to me.
I’m thinking of breaking up with her because she can’t see how much Flip meant to us. She seems unable to see that my emotions are valid. Flip was a dog, but more importantly he was family. She can’t see that.
Right now I’m heartbroken and exhausted and I want to sleep for a while week but I needed to vent here. Thank you Redditfolks for reading. I appreciate you all.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Why would she want to get a cat with a mindset like this? “it’s just an animal, no biggie.” Says no cat lover ever. She’s a fraud
OOP: I really don’t know wtf to think. Not in any sort of headspace for rational decisions.
Did OOP’s girlfiend have any problems with dogs?
OOP: Not neurodivergent. She’s had pet cats b4 whom she loved, so she has had experience with the loss of a pet. Her tone was so damn dismissive. I can’t get it out of my head
Commenter 2: Wtf? Even if Donna isn’t emotionally bonded to Flip, it doesn’t excuse her being cold-hearted and dismissive about it. She should be concerned that the people she loves are upset and hurting. Instead of talking about another pet that you and Stephanie are not ready for knowing that you’re deeply grieving Flip.
Imo, this is breakup-worthy for me. Pets are family, not just possessions. But this is all up to you if you think couples counseling can still help.
Seriously though, if she can’t be kind about you and your daughter grieving, I wonder how she would react whenever other tragic occasions happen to your family.
Commenter 3: I would have kicked her out of my life right then and there.
Commenter 4: Looks like Flip is watching out for you beyond the grave… its strange how his passing revealed that woman’s true character!!. You can and will do better bro, big hugs im so sorry for your loss!!.
OOP: Flip was the best. Smart, intuitive and well behaved. I knew he would die someday, but the reality is crushing
Update: February 13, 2025
As always, the names are fake.
Hey, I’m more of than stunned by how this thing took off. Thanks to all the well wishers and those who messaged for their words of support. It means a lot. For those crying fake, I hear you and understand. A lot on Reddit seems to be bs. Thanks to all who thought to reply for both the positive and negative inputs.
Went to work for the overnight shift and my partner Tonya (worked with for 4 yrs) had a present for me: a small chocolate cake shaped like a dog bone and the Flip’s name on it. I just about lost it. Tonya is the best and a great co-worker. Her husband is a good friend, too. We talked and I showed her the post. She’s no fan of Reddit, but understands that I needed to vent.
After work I picked Steph up from school and we had a long talk in the car. I told her I was going to talk to Donna about how her words hurt us and asked if she wanted to be part of the conversation. She said no, but added that she trusted me to make the correct decision. My kid is awesome.
Sat Donna down after she came home and we had a heart to heart talk. She grew defensive and almost got up and left, but I told her if we couldn’t talk this out there was no future for us. Then I showed her the post. As she read the comments she started to cry. After a few minutes we talked and it came out that she considered Flip to be part of my “old life” that I had with Joy and that with his passing I could focus on our relationship more.
TBH, I almost lost my poop right there but managed to stay calm. Anger is a secondary emotion indicative of deeper trauma, so I kept that in mind during the conversation.
I told her that Joy and Flip will always be part of my life, just like Stephanie, and nothing can change that. I said that they are part of me and helped shaped the man I am today. If she can’t recognize that, understand my pain and feel empathy, then this relationship is doomed.
To make a long story short, she’s moving out and we are taking a break from each other for a month or two to reflect on our priorities. Not that I need that, I know my priorities, my needs and wants for a relationship. She must decide if it coincides with her’s.
That’s it. It’s late and I’m bushed. Not working tomorrow so I am going to help pack Donna’s things.
Thank you so much for your support, folks. To all those animal lovers out there: always trust your heart and may God bless and keep you.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: I’m so sorry for you and your daughter’s loss of Flip. And I am so proud of you for trusting your instincts. ❤️
Commenter 2: I’m sorry I had a feeling it was gonna be like that. But better find it out now before she starts turning that energy onto your daughter and people like this surely do.
Commenter 3: She has shown she will not respect your wife’s passing. She was not seeking to add to your love, but to replace what was already there.
Commenter 4: Donna sounds very immature and emotionally stunted for a 39 year old. I think as you reflect, you will see the real person, who is a lot more shallow and selfish than the one you thought her to be. You will thank god you took this stand now, for both you and your daughter.
Editor’s note: OOP made a 2nd update, but it was removed by the mods. The text was reinstalled in the Update #1 comments before being removed
Update #2: February 15, 2025
Hi: the mods axed my 2nd update so I’m gonna sum it up here:
First: Steph and I are fine. We had dinner with Tonya and her husband. It was a good evening.
Donna is gone for good. After thinking it over I realized we were never going to mesh well and be healthy together. Not going to go further into that conversation.
Addressing the comment I made on anger being a secondary emotion: learned that through grief counseling. Did a lot of that to deal with the loss of my wife.
Someone said Steph sounded too mature. She’s 13, not a moron. She can be surprisingly mature when she wants, although I did have put our conversation into my own words as hers included ‘cringe’ and ‘douchenozzle’ (her favorite word these days as I don’t put up with swearing by either of us).
We will get another dog soon. No dog can replace Flip, but I want someone there with Steph when I’m not home. Gonna go for a rescue, let Steph pick them out then we’ll see where that goes.
Gonna get Tonya and her husband a gift since I leaned on them so much during this bs. She was the first to hear of the Donna situation before I posted it to Reddit.
Not gonna date for a little bit. So darn ponderous and this is all too fresh.
Thank (most) of you for your sage advice. It echoed what I was thinking, but because the pain was still fresh, my mind was jumbled. Nice to get a second opinion from people with no skin in the game. God bless you all.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
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