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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/throwaway4meeeeeee86 on 2023-08-23 19:46:06.
I (33NB) am not close with my mother (55f) at all. She divorced my dad (60) when I was 7 and almost immediately married my stepfather “Mark” whom despite everything, I was close with. They remained married until I was 16. I was upset when she divorced him and went to live with my dad and stepmom. In my adult life, I’ve chosen to remain close to my stepdad and even attended his wedding to his current wife, who is a very nice woman. My dad and my stepmom are great people.
Since her divorce to my stepdad, my mom has been in and out of relationships, each time claiming this guy is the love of her life until they do something she doesn’t like and they aren’t the love of her life anymore. Both divorces with my dad and my stepdad were for very petty reasons (dad, I think because he wouldn’t allow her to get a new car because the budget was tight). I think the one that lasted the longest was 6 years and I think it’s the current guy she’s with, according to my sister. After I left home, she never did anything with me without her boyfriends. When I was 25, she broke up with her boyfriend and tried to cry to me about it. After working with my therapist, I set the boundary with my mother that if she wasn’t willing to do anything with me without her boyfriend to not bother and I didn’t want to talk about her love life. She was very hurt and we fell out for awhile but she came back around about a year later and has respected my rule since but we only get together about 3 or 4 times per year. I understand that my mom’s relationships and love life are important to her so I respect that we don’t get together often.
Fast forward to this year, I’m getting married to my partner (35M) of a decade in October. It’s a small intimate backyard wedding and reception/bbq. We live in a rural area and our backyard wedding will have roughly 40 people. My dad, stepmom, stepdad and his new wife have all been invited. My mom asked if she could bring her boyfriend, I said no because I don’t know him. My mom asked if she could bring him to meet me so I could meet him before the wedding. I said no and that I still had no interest in meeting her boyfriends. She said she understood but she felt it was unfair that I wasn’t allowing her a +1 to my wedding when my dad and my stepdad were allowed to bring their spouses. I told her that the difference was that I knew their spouses. She wanted to know why I was so adamant about refusing to get to know her boyfriend. I explained to her that I saw no need since she’d just break up with them and move on to someone else eventually as she has always done before. She started to cry and told me I was being unreasonable and treating her as if she’s a wh**e.
Both my fiance and my sister feel like I should suck it up for one day and let her bring her boyfriend so she can be comfortable there. I’m seriously considering it but I wanted to know if I’m TA here for sticking to my boundary at my wedding and what your thoughts are.
UPDATE: After reading everything here, I’ve decided to email my mother and invite him. I was already leaning towards telling her that he can come when I posted. I decided to set some ground rules for my mother:
- He is there as a +1 to my mother only. I made it clear to her that he is not my family and he is not my stepfather so I will appreciate her not telling other people at the wedding he is my stepfather. Mark is my stepfather and he will be there.
- He is not to be in any family photos (in fairness, my stepdad Mark won’t be in any family photos either, only my mom, dad, stepmom, and my siblings).
- He is not to approach me at any point during the wedding and reception.
- This does not change my previous boundaries. I’m only allowing him to come for her own comfort and to create a sense of fairness. I respect the fact she is in a relationship but that her love life has nothing to do with me and I wish to keep it that way.
- I told my mother that these are my terms for him being at my wedding and my terms are final and that I hope she can respect the fact that I’m trying to be reasonable. I used this opportunity to remind her the reasons I put the boundary up in the first place. These reasons included forcing me to do activities with her shorter term boyfriends in the past, forcing me to only discuss her love life while showing no interest in my life, and putting her relationships above her own children.
If she responds, I’ll let everyone know.
Update 2: My mom called me within 10 minutes of getting the email. She thanked me for allowing him to come and said they would abide by my terms. She said she felt really hurt that during her actions during her “mid-life crisis” are why I’m refusing to meet her current boyfriend (who she says she’s been with for 7.5 years) and that she thought things would eventually calm down enough where I would be comfortable meeting him. She said she now realizes that it will never happen. I told her that I’m firm on my stance. I think she started to cry but she said she understood and only wants him there because being around my dad and stepdad and their “new” wives (my dad has been married for 23 years and my stepdad for 12) makes her anxious and he helps keep her calm. She said she respects my stance and said it’s her own fault I feel this way. I felt this may be the start of a guilt trip so I politely ended the call.