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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/fsinlaw on 2023-08-29 12:51:24.

Wow that post blew up. In no small part to my extensive replies while sitting in an airport lounge on a layover 😂 I am still getting dms asking for an update so here goes.

First, Thanks everyone for your advice, I received some really insightful messages and comments which were really helpful and heartfelt.

Long story short we decided to have a session with a family mediator. It was me, my bf, Jenny, Nico, my parents, and Chelsea. I’m not sure I can’t fit in all the insights from the session so I’ll keep to key things.

Firstly, for all those wondering if Nico ever actually told Jenny what we said. Nico talked to Jenny about our concerns precisely twice, a third of the times we brought it up. She said it was presented to her as an offhand comment from our parents rather the intervention it was.

Second, Basically one of the main things that came up was how Nico kind of “sold” our family to Jenny as a blended family she could slot into, and she got really invested in that. Nico said he kept hoping that it would all work itself out once Jenny felt more secure in their relationship. Then came the real crux. Jenny said she wasn’t just looking for a relationship with Nico, but with a whole family. And we all had a long discussion about what that looked like for us in an ideal world, and it was vastly different. Then the mediator asked her the question “if you never get the relationships you want from this family, do you think you’ll still be able to have a happy relationship?” And she said she didn’t know. This kind of triggered Nico, who said he felt like Jenny was making him feel like he wasn’t enough on his own, that she wanted a family from him more than a relationship with him. Then Jenny got upset and said why couldn’t we all just try to be the family she needed. At which point my boyfriend had an uncharacteristic moment of insanity and went off on her, then he and I left the room. I was right in the middle of lecturing him when everyone else came out except Nico and Jenny and said that they need the rest of the session to discuss what had been said.

Nico came back to our parents’ place later and said he and Jenny are “taking a beat” because she’s ruminating on what the mediator said and he’s pretty crushed that she might not want to be with him if he doesn’t come with a ready made family attached. He said he was prepared to pretty much give up a family for her, but she won’t even give up the idea of one for him. He’s now staying with my boyfriend and me until further notice. We haven’t has any further conversations with him and Jenny, he’s not in the headspace for it. If they stay together I foresee a lot more mediation.

At the end of the day, everyone on the thread was right in some way. I was an AH for saying what I said in the way I said it, and this conversation between all of us should have happened earlier.