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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-05-08 04:04:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Realistic-Cloud3033
Originally posted to r/AITAH
My partner cutting off a lifelong family friend because of her inappropriate messages
Trigger Warnings: accusations of controlling behavior, mentions of infidelity, cancer, emotional manipulation, emotional distress
Original Post: April 24, 2025
So I am in a kind of fucked up situation, I mean I know I am right to have my boundaries but I also feel guilty that my husband is cutting off help to lifelong family friends because of me.
My husband is a doctor so it’s normal that family and friends kind of come to us/him for reassurance because someone you know either reaffirming what you were told or giving you a referral if possible makes people feel better. Zero issues there, I love that he is empathetic and it honestly makes me wicked proud of him that people think that highly of him.
So he has a friend who he grew up with, their families pretty much raised them together. They were always friends since we met but never like super close plus we live in a different part of the US. I have met her multiple times and she seemed very sweet. She also was married when I originally met her and has two kids. Well her father is very sick with a type of cancer that has a low rate of recovery. We live in the northeast and they live down south so our medical care is definitely exponentially better. My husband has been helping consult and just being a good friend to them to make sure he gets the best care possible. This friend has been a bit needy and using him for emotional support. I get it, I’m not jealous because what we have is solid. (Plus when he has his medical mindset that’s it)
Well over the weekend he woke up to some very questionable texts from this friend. She pretty much declared her love for him, claimed god brought them together through this and that she always knew they’d end up together. Like what the actual fuck? He told me as soon as he saw them in the morning. He messaged her back saying that what she said was highly inappropriate, she needs to find a therapist and that he no longer can help out. She claims she was drinking and emotional. She also begged him not to tell me. We don’t keep secrets. He blocked her number. I don’t know what she told his mom exactly but she’s so angry and apparently it’s all my fault. We don’t like each other either, I’m not the Christian housewife she envisioned we for her son I guess.
I didn’t ask him to cut all ties, he did it out of respect and says that she has doctors and family to lean on. I feel slightly guilty because I hope that this doesn’t impact quality of care. Maybe there was a way to cut her out and my husband helps her mom with medical stuff when needed. This whole situation has been making me feel gross. AITAH? I don’t think I am but I feel bad.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: NTA - but I bet your MIL has been feeding this woman all kinds of bullshit about you and feeding her ego.
OOP: I 100% believe that she is flaming this fire.
Commenter 2: It’s so refreshing to see here an adult prioritizing their spouse against their dumb original family!
OP, you are in a complex situation, but no way an AH, and your husband just did the right (and professional) thing!
OOP: I am all about helping and advocating for those I care about. I just don’t want to feel the guilt that her dad could have had some of that because his daughter is an idiot who decided to shoot her shot with my husband during an emotional time.
Commenter 3: Absolutely NTA. Good on your husband for cutting that off. Your MIL is a dumb ass who probably wanted them to end up together. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong. You didn’t even cut her off, your husband did
OOP: Oh I absolutely agree she wanted them to get together. In her mind them ending up together would mean him moving back there, her having grandkids and their families being even more intertwined.
Commenter 4: lol. Now get to work on cutting out the mum. NTA.
OOP: She was cut out for a while haha she begged him not to marry me… She also said our marriage wasn’t real because we didn’t have a church wedding… 🥴
Commenter 5: NTA. Aside from the question of whether your husband did right to cut her off (and I believe he was absolutely right), this is his issue and not yours, and he made the decision. You have no cause to feel guilty about it.
As for his mother blaming you - that is sooo typical! I also have a MIL who hated me (now she is to feeble to do any harm) and whenever her son did something she didn’t approve of, it was always my fault. That is controlling mothers’ way of pretending that their son is still under their control, and it’s only the outsider who is pulling him away. Just ignore her.
OOP: He’s an only child, so I think that plays into her being even more insanely possessive over him. He just doesn’t tolerate it. He said graduating high school was like being set free from a jail, because she was so controlling up until he left the house. She even tried to dictate where he went to undergrad because she wanted him to stay somewhat close.
OOP and her husband on going LC/NC with MIL
OOP: We went no contact for a while and are currently low contact because she makes it impossible to have a relationship with my FIL without her. She had been on good behavior for the last year or so… I let him communicate with them for us because she is too much of a headache for me. He knows how to handle her because he has been doing it his whole life.
OOP on MIL wanting grandchildren
OOP: My mom also really wanted grandchildren, but my mom was with me when I went through cancer in my early 20’s and learned I was going to have to get a hysterectomy. 😔 My MIL knows why I cannot have kids and she seemingly resents me for it. My husband knew right when we started dating that I couldn’t have children and about what I went through medically.
Update: May 1, 2025 (one week later)
I wanted to just post a quick update on our situation. My husband called his mother to try to set clear boundaries (I am pretty sure she doesn’t believe that boundaries apply to her) and set things straight before they escalated more… Well apparently that crazy train had already left the station. He called her on speaker phone, which he told her, while I was in the room. She lost her mind and demanded they have a private conversation because this was a matter between “family”. He corrected her, and let her know I am family. She then went on a rant about how I was displaying “abusive” and “controlling” behavior. She claimed I was isolating him from his family, like I did before. (We went no contact with her once before because of her bad behavior and she blames me and I guess had been holding on to that) Like what the fuck?! I had to leave the room then because my anxiety was too much. He is the most calm and levelheaded person I know and he was starting to rise his voice.
About five minutes later he came into our bedroom where I was trying to not have an anxiety attack. He told me he let her know how disgusted he was with her behavior and disappointed that she didn’t learn her lesson about trying to interfere with our marriage. He also informed her for an indefinite amount of time he will be taking space from her. He also told her not to try to contact me, I have her silenced already. Oh one fun little fact that came out is that his mom and ex have been seeing a lot of each other. His mom has been helping with the kids while the ex friend* and her mom are dealing with medical stuff for her dad.
Just to address a couple things… YES! I realize I have an amazing partner, I love this man so much. I regularly tell him and show him how much I love and appreciate him so don’t worry!
The reason I thought I might be somewhat in the wrong is because I have battled cancer in my early 20’s. During that time I had a boyfriend cheat on me with a good friend of mine because he was “overwhelmed” and they tried to gaslight me into thinking it was my fault because of all of the stress. I felt so abandoned and hurt I just didn’t want to feel like I was making anyone else feel that bad. I know the situation is very different. I am a bit of a people pleaser, working on that with my therapist. Cancer is the worst and my heart hurts for anyone who is going through it that includes family of the person who is sick.
I also want to say to the person who called me a narcissist because this isn’t about me… I think it says more about you than me that what you took from my post was just that. I hope you have the day you deserve.
Thanks to everyone else for the support and advice, I genuinely appreciate it.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I read your old post to get familiar and I’m laughing at your MIL’s reaction. She’s upset you’re not the ideal Christian wife…well that friend going after a married man is totally the Christian thing to do 😂
Your husband is a good man. I wish I read more posts where the hus…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1khh5h1/my_partner_cutting_off_a_lifelong_family_friend/
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I read your old post to get familiar and I’m laughing at your MIL’s reaction. She’s upset you’re not the ideal Christian wife…well that friend going after a married man is totally the Christian thing to do 😂
Your husband is a good man. I wish I read more posts where the husband had as much of a backbone as what yours does.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
OOP: She is literally the worst. She’s so judgmental and controlling. One of her favorite things is to make comments and count how many drinks other people are having… One day I swear I would end up snapping and letting her know that her coffee cup she always has with her does NOT contain coffee.
Commenter 2: NTA… man gotta stand up to his mama sometimes. Wife looks like she’s taking it in stride anyway. What do you think the MIL’s next move is gonna be, more passive-aggressive “concern” or full-blown attack mode?
OOP: She tried to call my husband using his dad’s phone! Fortunately we were busy so he didn’t answer it. My husband called his dad back like an hour after and he was like “I’m sorry your mom must have used my phone…” My husband had to fill him in and let him know what actually happened vs her bullshit sob story she was spinning. He’s a good guy, and he understands that we need to step away from his wife.
Commenter 3: Some friendships have expiration dates, especially when they turn toxic. Your partner chose you over chaos that speaks volumes.
OOP: I’m thankful that he made that choice on his own, he’s a very good man.
Did MIL had her heart on her son marrying the family friend? Planning his life out?
OOP: My MIL definitely had his whole life planned out for him. She wanted to pick his college, then she expected him to move home after, she wanted to pick his wife, she feels entitled to grandkids… She had also consistently asked him about moving back to his home state because they are getting older and she expects him to uproot his whole life to take care of her. He has told her that is absolutely not happening multiple times, he had recently started ending their phone calls if she brought it up.
OOP responds on her husband being the only child
OOP: Yup only child! She apparently had wanted multiple kids but couldn’t have any more. So he was her “miracle baby”. My MIL did not want to adopt, she did not want to “end up with anyone’s problem child.” So finding out we couldn’t have (I couldn’t) have bio kids I think was the final nail in my coffin for her… We are happily child free though. I would have totally been open to adoption if we had wanted kids.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
