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The original was posted on /r/truscum by /u/Cadwraeth on 2025-05-08 10:15:58+00:00.

I’m a man - or rather, a cis man - who was raised in a very intolerant, strictly Catholic household and now works for the German military. Political correctness isn’t exactly a priority there, and transgender people are often the targets of jokes. “I identify as a helicopter, haha” - that kind of remark is fairly common.

In the past, I used to go along with it and faked laughed just to fit in. But lately, due to the rise of right-wing fascist movements in my country, I’ve been educating myself politically and have joined Die Linke (The Left), a party that advocates for women’s and trans rights, among other things.

At work, I’ve started to take a more activist stance and no longer let transphobic, misogynistic, or homophobic remarks slide. Freedom of speech has its limits - especially in a professional environment.

I also have two long-time friends who came out to me around two years ago and now identify as non-binary. We’ve known each other since childhood, and of course, I want to understand them better.

Back when I didn’t have much of a connection to the LGBTQ+ community, I started seeking conversations with MtF trans people - mostly via dating apps like Tinder. These conversations were purely platonic, and I always made sure my intentions were clear and everything was consensual. I got very different perspectives: two individuals completely rejected the LGBTQ+ scene, saying there are only two genders, everything else is nonsense, and that they just wanted to be seen as women, not trans women. Another had views more in line with what I’d seen in American media: various pronouns, non-binary identities, and the idea that gender and sexuality are vast and hard-to-define spectrums.

Some time later, one of them reached out again via WhatsApp and, after a short conversation, suggested a meetup only to suddenly send me explicit images and videos without my consent. That was quite uncomfortable, but it prompted me to re-examine the topic since I was still feeling confused about it

It seems like even among trans people - especially those who don’t want to be called or seen as trans - there’s a lot of disagreement.

In search of more clarity, I turned to a trans subreddit, something like “/AskTrans.” But there I was mostly accused of being an intolerant asshole just because I was only looking for platonic, not romantic or sexual, interactions with trans people. Some said my preferences were “wrong, outdated, and offensive.” Others criticized my wording, saying that “tolerance isn’t enough - what’s needed is acceptance,” and that unless I could claim to truly accept trans people, I was still being discriminatory.

I don’t want to generalize, and I’m still trying to broaden my perspective and understand more. But honestly, it’s not always easy - it’s starting to wear me down. Sometimes I feel like, as a straight cis person, I have to walk on eggshells, or else I’ll be hit with a wave of outrage. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that - changing behavior and thought patterns is always hard in the beginning - but there are also things I just can’t change, no matter how hard I try.

I don’t find MtF people ugly or completely unattractive, but that depends on certain factors: I must not immediately be able to tell. (For example, facial hair, male-pattern baldness, deep voice, broad build, prominent Adam’s apple, etc.)

If that already counts as transphobia, I really don’t know what else to say - because my lack of sexual attraction doesn’t stop me from treating trans people with respect and as equals.

What do you think about this?

Also, if you have any book, magazine, or media recommendations on this topic, I’d really appreciate it.