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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-05-09 04:04:09+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/alienflowerz
Husband is disappointed/sad that spending time together makes me happy
Editor’s note: made small edits for ease for readability
Trigger Warnings: misogyny, mentions of PPD, coercion
Mood Spoilers: depressing and sad
Original Post: April 20, 2025
The Tl:Dr of my relationship is:
- husband and I have been together almost 9 years, married for 2.5
- we’re both around 30 y/o
- had our baby ~14 months ago, the pregnancy was a surprise birth control failure but we both wanted kids and were happy
- we had discussed ethical non-monogamy in the past, but put the discussion on hold during pregnancy
- after I gave birth my husband brought it up again and started really pushing for polyamory
- he also took on extra work as I had to stay home due to daycare costs eating up more than my monthly paycheck would cover
- he started pushing me off on his family and wouldn’t ever be home to help me or give me a break. He told me to go to his mom for a break, and all he was good for was bringing home money
- throughout all of postpartum he’s basically insinuated if not outright said that he doesn’t want me to rely on him or want him around
- at 6 months postpartum he pushed for us to open our relationship… I hated it, he was disappointed when we closed it after a month.
- I also went back to school full time at this time and have maintained a 4.0 since
- we’ve been in couples therapy for about 5/6 months now. We each have our own therapists too.
- baby was also EBF and I still nurse her 2-3 times a day and plan to do so until at least 18 months or so
Alright, so that’s the background.
Now we’re in therapy, and I thought it was working. The last few weeks he’s worked less and made time to hang out with me and our baby more. He’s planned outings for us, taken us for bike rides, been home to cook dinner and do chores, and to watch the baby/toddler so I can have some me time or some friend time. It’s been so nice, and I mentioned to him that it made me happy, and thanked him for doing all this and making progress like we’ve talked about in therapy.
On our walk this morning (and in our last therapy session) he said it made him disappointed that I was so happy with spending all the time together. He said he noticed that since he didn’t spend so much time doing extra work (he’d normally work 60+h/week but cut it down to closer to 50h/week) and hanging out with us more at home that I’d been happier, and that it just proved to him that he was the problem. He said that everything he wants is a problem, and when he doesn’t do or get what he wants then I’m happy. He said he’s happy spending time with me and our baby, but he’s disappointed too.
Idk what to even think of this. I’m just hurt that I’ve dedicated so much time and energy to this relationship, to raising our baby (who is absolutely incredible), and that I’ve been told I shouldn’t be asking more of him, and that when we do spend time together he might be happy in the moment, but seems to look ack at it with regret and disappointment. Idk if he’s even happy to be with me. It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like he sees our relationship as holding him back, but when I try to tell him this he just says it feels like I don’t trust him. He says that lack of trust makes him not want to try. I tell him I’m trying to trust him, but he keeps doing this same pattern of spending time with us and then pulling away and then the cycle repeats. I don’t want him to pull back away, I don’t want him to tell me I shouldn’t need him. That’s when I can start trusting him again. Right now i’m always waiting for him to stop engaging with me and to just always be away.
He struggles a lot with negative self talk and negative self image, so I try not to say negative things when describing what I want out of our relationship, or how I’m hurt. But then he just puts words in my mouth, feels self pity, shuts down and stops talking to me for a day or more.
What do I do from here? How do I even address this? What do I say to our therapist?
Tl:Dr
My husband is disappointed that spending more time with me and our toddler makes me happier in our relationship, and he can’t just do whatever he wants and have me be fine with it.
Relevant Comments
OOP on her husband helping her with her PPD
OOP: There was a time over the summer when my PPD was really bad. One day I asked him to come home from work early. Another day a week or so later I asked him to stay home entirely. He’s a construction worker, so not always with the same company, and that company didn’t ask him to come to the next job with them. He said that after he left and stayed home to help me they all treated him differently and sort of isolated him. Instead of being upset with those misogynistic assholes, he was upset with me, and sometimes still brings it up as an example of how I can’t handle myself and the baby on my own. I’ve told him his frustration is misplaced, that I shouldn’t be blamed for needing him, and if a job can’t be understanding that a new dad may need to help his wife and child that it’s better he doesn’t work with them anymore. He just gets more frustrated. Caring for out kid is OUR job, not MY job
Commenter 1: Sounds like he didn’t really want to be a monogamous partner or a parent, he may have just been ticking off boxes on the “life milestone” list (get married, have kids, so on). Either way, at least he’s gained some self awareness and realized he’s been a crappy husband and father. He’s shown you a pattern that is likely to repeat itself.
OOP: I keep telling him this, that for the past year this pattern has repeated. He’ll be more involved for a couple weeks, then throw himself back into work and I’ll have no support from him. He asked me today how long it will take for me to trust him, and that he feels like he’s being timed. I said there is no time limit, the change has to keep going. I see that he’s putting in the work, but I’ve seen that before, and I want it to actually stick, or for him not to put up such a fight about it if it does start to slip into him working too much again.
Commenter 2: I’ve seen this kind of thing happen when people get together very young, you guys seemed to be 21. You likely didn’t get a lot of dating & relationships in before the two of you were together. He isn’t happy, he’s said it by word and deed repeatedly. He doesn’t want you to be happy in this because he wants out. He wants to be with other people, again he’s shown this through word and deed. Do you want to be stuck with someone who does not want you? Do you want to be with someone who resents you for wanting to only be with him?
OOP: He dated a lot of people before me. I only dated him (I went on a few dates, but didn’t have any relationships). He said about 2/3 weeks ago that maybe we should separate. I went to my parents house with the baby. He started apologizing and changed his actions. Now he’s upset I’m happy with the change. It just feels like a big back and forth. I’m getting tired of it. I’m scared to not be with him though. I love so many of the people where we live, and I know I’d be the one giving that up, those friendships and supports I had to build while he was away working and doing whatever. It’s just so unfair. He didn’t have to stay with me if this wasn’t what he wanted. But he made every effort and attempt to say it was, to commit himself to me and us. But once we have a baby he wants out? He wanted me to keep the baby. He doted on me all through pregnancy
Commenter 3:
the pregnancy was a surprise birth control failure but we both wanted kids and were happy
Are you sure you weren’t the only one happy about this? Whose birth control failed? I’m guessing it wasn’t his because very little of what you have shared tells me that he wants to be a parent.
Therapy is not the answer. You guys want completely different things.
OOP: I had a copper IUD. Baby implanted next to it. I sent him a picture of the test, then he met me at the OBGYN for ultrasound confirmation and IUD removal. He cried when he saw the pictures and said he was so happy and wanted to be a dad. I was hesitant and said we could consider an abortion due to life circumstances and the surprise of it all. He said it was up to me. We decided to keep the baby
Commenter 4: How much longer until you finish school? I would honestly focus on being done so you can secure higher earning potential for yourself, quietly talk to a divorce lawyer so you can strategize re: the best time to file and seek spousal support and child support, and then leave and let him do whatever the f he wants. He doesn’t like being a husband or a father and he seems manipulative and selfish.
OOP: Two years and I’m done.
Update: May 1, 2025 (11 days later)
I had gotten in contact with a divorce lawyer’s office and had a brief consultation with a secretary. It wasn’t too long and I haven’t done much more gathering of info because I’ve had 10 different final papers/projects/presentations happening and just don’t have the time or energy to work on it right now.
Since his last c…
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Update: May 1, 2025 (11 days later)
I had gotten in contact with a divorce lawyer’s office and had a brief consultation with a secretary. It wasn’t too long and I haven’t done much more gathering of info because I’ve had 10 different final papers/projects/presentations happening and just don’t have the time or energy to work on it right now.
Since his last comments things had gone back to getting better. We still spent time together with our toddler, and things were starting to feel fun and like we were getting closer again.
Then we went for a walk today.
On our walk he asked me how I thought things had been between us. I said I thought they’d been good, that I liked spending time together. Then I asked if he was still feeling the same way as the last time we’d talked about this. He basically said yes, that he’s disappointed that he’s the problem, and if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t be in couples therapy. He also said that he doesn’t ask me to change anything for him (which is bs, he asked me to be poly with/for him).
I felt frustrated at this, because I’m not asking him to change, I’m asking him to do what he had done our whole relationship before he changed. He used to make me homemade picnic dates, surprise me with my favorite snacks and coffee and drinks, or my favorite chocolates from a European style chocolatier. We’d go on a date every weekend, and hang out every evening. We’d text constantly, and always found new things to talk about even after almost 8 years.
Then once the baby was born he began pushing me away, telling me I shouldn’t rely on him, while also pushing for a polyamorous relationship. He told me he would burn the fumes in his tank to make sure others were taken care of, but then tell me he couldn’t give me those same fumes when I needed him, or even anything from his tank when it was full.
It was so the opposite of how he used to treat me.
And I told him this on our walk. His response was to say he accepts that he was at fault, but I wouldn’t be convinced of his position no matter what he said.
I told him that he’s not accepting he was/is at fault if he keeps trying to convince me otherwise.
In our next couples therapy session I’m going to bring up that I think we’ve been both-sides-ing the issues in our relationship. I’m guilty of participating in this, I’ll defend him and try to protect his ego and work together. But honestly? I haven’t done anything wrong in this regard. I’ve acted and reacted in an impossible situation that my husband has put me in.
I just don’t know why the birth of our child changed him so much, made polyamory into such a fixation of his when that time and energy for his “self discovery” should have been put into directly caring for myself and our baby. He keeps trying to make excuses that he didn’t get to do much the first year of her life, but he:
- went on multiple hours long hikes and dinners with his friend - went on a solo camping trip - slept over at another friend’s house for their birthday instead of coming to the first family outing I had planned since giving birth - went hiking and rafting a couple times with the significant others of some of my friends - went on dates with me - went on dates with other people - had dinner with friends - went on solo bike rides where he’d be gone for multiple hours or even all day
And his comeback when I point this out to him? It’s not as much as he usually did before the baby, he only got to ride his motorcycle once or twice last year. I could have done all those things too! (Never mind that I was exclusively breastfeeding our baby, and going out anywhere meant having a portable pump and refrigeration options on hand, never mind a space where I could actually comfortably sit and pump for 20-30 minutes in the middle of activities).
Idk. Just what the fuck happened? How did I go from a devoted and loving feminist minded husband to whatever he is now?
Whatever. I’m still going to try and fix things because maybe at some point he’ll see the light, but at the same time I’m going to begin to craft my exit plan.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Wait so his tank is on fumes but he wants… additional partners? He can’t take care of the relationship he has but he wants more of them?
This man was never a progressive feminist, and is acting like an entitled baby. He has a child and a wife, and he’s acting like he didn’t ask for either and he’s a victim. I dont think there is a “both sides” here and I would seriously reconsider any couples therapist who lets him get away with thinking both of you are contributing to him being entitled, disengaged, and selfish.
OOP: Yeah, I’ve been frustrated by that in therapy, though I think our therapist is trying to follow our lead a little bit because he knows he can’t fix it for us and is trying to help us figure out how to fix it ourselves. I’ve also been contributing to it and presenting things that way because I’m not trying to avoid responsibility for things, but yeah, it’s not my fault things are the way they are.
Commenter 2: What did he expect when y’all became parents? He’s a dad now, and shit gets real when you have to put all your energy, money, blood, sweat and tears into raising them right. It’s not going to be a bed of roses the whole way, and I’m sorry that he’s placing the fault on you. You don’t deserve to be treated like the problem when it’s him that’s making insane demands on you. You’re doing the right thing, girl.
OOP: Thank you. It’s not like he didn’t expect it (or at least he was aware). We talked throughout the pregnancy about how everything will change, how it already had changed for me, how my life and my plans were pushed back a year because of pregnancy and postpartum.
He got to keep much more of his life and freedom than I did. Yes he took on extra side work to bring in some of the money we were losing with me staying home (though we would have lost even more if I’d kept working), but all the time he was working I was taking care of our baby. And all the time he wasn’t working I was taking care of our baby.
Commenter 3: He was never a true feminist. Oh sure, he was a “feminist” when he was getting sex more regularly and he was the main character in your life. But after baby? Patriarchy says he’s not supposed to be the caregiver. Patriarchy says it’s normal for you to be a burned out mess, not his problem. Patriarchy says it’s normal for him to want sex with other people no matter how his wife feels about it. So he believed it. It benefits him. That’s the whole story. Maybe he gets his head out of his ass and decides to actually build a loving and successful life with you, someone who really wants that. But that’s going to be an uphill climb because he’s already figure out that just following the scripts he’s heard all his life ensures his life really didn’t have to change half as much as yours did. I would really hone in on that with the therapist - and if the therapist tries to “both sides” - fire that therapist. You don’t need a therapist to act like you’re the problem here when you 100% are not. I feel for you and I think it’s wise you’re keeping an exit plan.
OOP: I just don’t really know how to make that exit plan. I’m not working as I take care of the toddler full time, and am in school on a full time schedule too (squished into two days a week while my parents take the little one), so I’m not making my own money atm. I don’t graduate until 2027 (with a masters, woo!) so I either have to stay with him until I get a job after graduation so I can afford my own place, or I have to move in with my parents before that, who don’t really have the space for us but can make it work.
Commenter 4: Seriously no, just break up. This is a complete waste of time and energy. I was rooting for you in the last post and I felt that reading this is waste of my time and energy lol. Just break up.
OOP: Thank you. I feel like my wheels are just spinning on this too. It feels like every time things get better lately he tells me he’s not fulfilled. Idk why he won’t just break up with me then. What does he want to fix if being together makes him feel so bad?
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
Wow talk about disappointing husband. Maybe he should watch 100 girlfriends if he wants more than 1 woman. MC puts his body and soul on the line to make women happy. Op husband just wants to make himself happy. Pos.
