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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/CaterpillarOwn1565 on 2023-08-29 17:35:14.

My husband has 2 kids from a previous relationship, 14M and 11F. My husband’s previous relationship ended badly, to say the least. He was going through a lot when his ex left him. His parents and grandmother were in a drunk driver accident and both his parents were temporarily disabled. My husband had to take over their care and bills, and while this was happening his was happening his ex basically robbed him and left. Not going into too many details, but my mother and MIL have known each other since high school, and my family was supporting him and his siblings throughout all of this. so my husband is very protective of my family, especially my mother. If I argue with my mom, 8/10 he’s on her side.

Now the kids have been with us since they were 4 and 1, and they’ve never been excluded from anything my family does. My family is huge and very close, we often have multiple birthdays in the same week or on the same day. What we often do is have all the birthday parties on the same day and just make it one big party. My stepdaughter, sister’s daughter, and 3 other kids in our family have their birthday on the same day or week, so we’ve always had them all celebrate on the same day since her second birthday.

Now my husband’s ex has not been at any birthday party since she left. She is somewhat involved, but not really, it depends on her. I am in contact with her because my husband hates her, if she sends him an email his entire day is ruined.I was updating her on how the kids are doing, My (step)daughter’s birth is March 11 and I mentioned the big birthday party we’re planning. She then called upset and expressed that she for once wanted to do the birthday parties. I told her she was welcome at our party or could do her own. She said no, she wanted to organize just one party for her and for us not to do a birthday party since it would overshadow hers because our birthday parties are a bit extravagant. I told her I would discuss this with my husband.

I already knew my husband would not approve of this, so I decided to ask what my (step)daughter wanted. She told me she would like to have her birthday party with us. I of course told her that was okay and I would tell her mom that. She didn’t seem upset when I asked her about it.She spent the weekend at my parents home and my mom scolded me for asking her and told me she was very upset. She said to my mother that she feels like I’ll send her away and that I don’t want them anymore.

I of course tried to explain why I asked, but my mother was not having it. She said I shouldn’t have asked in the first place. My husband of course is on my mother’s side. Everyone is upset, my husband, parents siblings, even my (step)son.I honestly feel like they’re overreacting, because they feel a certain way about the ex.I feel like the question wasn’t unreasonable and they should be more reasonable, AITA?