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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-05-17 04:02:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/idkwhattodo90

[44M] With my ex-wife [44F] who left me twenty years ago asked me out to dinner and to her place tomorrow and I don’t know what to do

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, misogynistic language on the original comments

Original Post March 31, 2017

So I dated Dawn for three years, we tied the not at 20 and we’re married for three years. We had some struggles, we both had a lot of growing up to do. She was working a minimum wage job and trying to finish her career. I was just finishing up my career by then. So after three years her attitude changed and she became distant. She was sexually and physically abused as a child also i don’t know if it matters though.

Anyway it came to light that she was having an affair with this guy who she worked with. She ripped my heart out and left me and went to go live with him in his parents house. She started doing drugs and has a kid by him. I was left devastated and broken and had trust issues over the years.

Well she added me on facebook a few months ago and I got divorced again two years ago. We have been chatting and she said she’s sorry for everything she did and she would like to take me out to dinner and would understand if I decline or never want to see her again. But that she “would really love to see me” She is a lawyer now and is dicorced and has her own kids. I didn’t contact her much at first but she likes literally everything I put up. She has started every conversation. Telling me she’s sorry for the hurt she’s caused me, my kids are beautiful, you look great.

I don’t feel any ill towards her anymore but this is all a shock to me. I feel as if she wants a new relationship judging by what she has said to me. She mentioned that we can go back to her place afterwards. She has tried to contact me over the years but I have blocked it.

I feel all these emotions of sadness and anger. I also feel like I would like to see her again for “closure”. Haven’t seen her in person for twenty years. I have gotten over her, this just feels so weird

Tldr: Ex wife who cheated and left me for another guy 20 years ago asked me out to dinner tomorrow and wants us to go back to her place afterwards. I don’t know what to do or say.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

EDITOR’S NOTE: the original commenters were misogynistic, read them on the original link if anything

OOP when asked why he wants to see her/get involved with his ex given their history

I think I mostly just want to believe that I’m a catch at this age and that she has changed. Over the years she has attempted to contact me through letters and phone calls but I never responded really. No I’m never getting married again, it’s really not worth it at my age anymore.

I don’t know. Guess what I’m trying to see it as an attractive woman with a good career is interested in me. I feel more confident nowadays. She also makes more money than me and I really don’t know what I could give her that she would want.

I’m not really desperate, mostly just curious.

Update Apr 2, 2017

Long story short I did meet her, we talked for hours and I felt better getting some answers throughout the night. It was an emotional mostly on her part meeting, she apologized many times and asked about my kids, what I’m doing now, how I’ve been.

She told me she’s had counseling to work through her personal issues the last few years and it’s helped her tremendously. I asked her a bunch of hard questions I needed the answers too, I actually wrote them down previously. She answered them honestly and didn’t hold anything back. She knows the affair is completely on her and that I was devastated for some time after our divorce.

I wanted to know why she added me in the first place a few months ago and started speaking to me again. She told me she always has wanted to apologize in person to my face and thought it would be inappropiate while we were both married. She also told me none of the guys in her life ever really matched up to me and that she was hoping one day somehow we could try again ever since our divorces.

I told her I forgive her, but I’m not ready for anything right now. I appreciate her taking me out to dinner and I enjoyed it. I didn’t go to her place, she told me she wanted another chance but wants to do it differently this time. Although I do find her attractive and have always cared about her, I’m not ready right now. So let’s just be friends for the time being. We hugged and she kissed my cheek and that was it. A tearful goodbye, we haven’t seen each other in twenty years.

And some of the comments were people calling me a cuckold and other things, I don’t really understand how. I divorced her when she left to go be with the other guy and blocked her for all of these years, even after attempted contact by her. So say what you want I guess.

Thanks all for the advice, I understand some of you might not agree with my decision, but I enjoyed my dinner and getting some answers I needed about our past. It may or may not evolve into something else, but I’m not ready for anything right now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

“And some of the comments were people calling me a cuckold and other things, I don’t really understand how.”

I wasn’t one of those people, but continuing on…

“She also told me none of the guys in her life ever really matched up to me and that she was hoping one day somehow we could try again ever since our divorces.”

This is why they said those things. This literally translates to “I’ll settle for you since I tried other guys and apparently can’t do better than you. But trust me, if I could do better I wouldn’t give you a second thought.” In your position I’d never look at someone like her again, but it’s your life and you know her better than I do. I’m glad she at least took ownership of the cheating and wasn’t just like “well, you weren’t giving me enough attention” or "it wasn’t really cheating because X bullshit excuse" as most cheaters seem to say.

OOP

She worded it a little differently, told me that I was the only guy in her life that she ever had a special connection with and that cheating and losing me was the worst thing she ever did and the biggest regret she has. She also didn’t blame her rough childhood on any of this although she did have a messed up abuseful childhood.

I look at myself as a catch nowadays, I can do better than her and am not co-dependent anymore. It was just nice to see her and if she wants to remain friends that’s cool if not it’s whatever. I got what I needed. It’s good she’s getting help for deep rooted issues and her insecurity. I don’t hold any ill towards her anymore, I’m too old for that lol.

[deleted]

Oh, okay. I take it back, that does sound a lot better. Good luck to you regardless of what you decide

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