This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/EyeGlad3032 on 2025-05-18 09:02:14+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Additional-Unit8023, account now suspended

Therapy made me realize what an awful person I was to my ex and it cost me what could have been a happy marriage

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for finding the date of the update

TWs: Emotional Abuse, Binge Drinking, Trauma, Self-Harm, Gaslighting

Original Post April 19, 2024

I finally broke down and decided to go to therapy despite my ex (we’ll get more into him later) heavily suggesting it over the course of my relationship. I wanted to know why I was attracted to men that mistreated me so much but she dragged me down to earth with my most recent ex. She basically laid out what I did wrong, asked why I did what I did and described my actions as abusive and how I should approach the same situation going forward.

I met my ex through a friend. He was a couple of years older than me and he graduated in the early stages of our relationship. He was so caring (coming to stay with me in the library after work just to be with me), bringing me take out during stressful study periods and just being there.

In retrospect, I treated him like garbage. After being with so many bad exes (we have a cheater, some guys who lied about wanting a relationship with me just to get sex, etc.), I kind of compartmentalized my feelings and would often box out the offending party. With the first couple of arguments, I would box out my ex for a couple of days to cool off and he’d text a couple of times of me boxing him out to ask when I’d be ready to talk and we would and things would be fine.

I guess because he was so great, I unconsciously held him to a much higher standard. We were supposed to watch a movie together after my exam period but he went with his friends instead. He offered to go again with me and wouldn’t spoil it nor give his opinions so it would be like we were watching it the first time and I boxed him out for five days. He would do his texting apologizing and I would lash out at him. I never took any accountability for my actions. It seemed like even the smallest thing that I perceived was “wrong” resulted in me boxing him out. It all came to a head when he said that my boxing him out was stressing him out and that if I was so unhappy, I was free to leave, he wasn’t going to force me to change. I promised to change.

For a time, things did change. I went on an internship so the stress of studying and tests were gone and we had the best year of our relationship. We communicated at even the smallest things and he got even more romantic with me. Even the most trivial events (like simple grocery shopping) ended up being a great date and I was truly happy. We’d even discussed getting married when my career was stable and he got me a silver ring that was engraved with our initials and my graduation date for my left ring finger. He called it a placeholder for the real thing when the time was right.

Then I went back to school. The last year of school was so bad. My lab partners were just mean or lazy. The instructors were brutal and I struggled with the material. My ex tried to help but, as my therapist showed me, that I lash out more when stressed. He came over and did the dishes but forgot to wash the pans. I screamed at him and boxed him out for a week. I noticed a change because he only texted once during the boxing out period. In hindsight, I realized that he was preparing to leave. After the week was up, he brought up our previous discussion about me boxing him out. I was stressed and he didn’t seem to care (my therapist said that he was likely beyond pissed) so I gave him lip service.

At this point during our session, my therapist was blunt and told me “you are *very* lucky he didn’t leave you then and there”. The straw that broke his back was my birthday. He’d been skimping and saving for the last 6 months or so (like we’d go to cheaper restaurants and he dialed back his nights out with his friends, like swapping bar nights to take out and video games) but I didn’t think he’d skimp on my birthday. He took me to a cheaper place (instead of our usual steakhouse visit) and his gift was bath-bombs and a basket of my favorite snacks and chocolates. I was pissed and snapped at him that he could be frugal with himself or his friends but I thought I was more important. Time flew by and I’d boxed him out for two weeks. He did not text once. When I called to ask him to come over and talk all he said was “I made the mistake of trying to change you. You should be with someone who will take you ask you are. I’m done” and I fired back with “well I won’t wait for you to come back”. Lo and behold, he (and all his friends and family) blocked me the minute the call ended. Luckily the friend that introduced us did not block me so we could stay friends.

When I finished that part of the story, my therapist did not hold back. She told me that I need to work on my self-importance, be more reflective on my actions and how they impact other people, how to manage my disappointment better and communicate with him better (like ask why he was being so frugal). I’ve done that and I came to a horrible realization that I was awful to him. My therapist made me write all the things he did for me and a list of how he wronged me and got boxed out (along with the length of boxing out). The wrong part of the list was longer than the good part but the good parts seemed to outweigh the bad. Then my therapist asked if I had ever considered that I was getting mad about the small things and using my ex as a whipping boy for my disappointment and frustration. At first I thought she didn’t understand and as I think more, it sinks in and I feel sick.

I guess my ex got his revenge. I met with the friend that introduced us (we’re quite close) and I cried and vented about what I told my therapist and asked her if I appeared to be controlling and abusive. She was silent for a minute and said “yes. He told us everything and the others all dislike you for what you did.”

She was a little angry too and said “well, you know why he was being frugal?” It was his IG showing a brand new iPhone, AirPod Pros and a few video games with the caption “was saving up for a ring but guess I don’t need that anymore. Dodged a bullet and got an iPhone out of the deal!”

It really did hurt. If I listened to him and sought out therapy sooner, maybe I would be engaged to that wonderful man. Apparently he was planning to do it at the convocation.

I just don’t know what to do now. I threw this all away. I asked my friend not to inform me of his life anymore. It just hurts to think that another girl will get to experience the happiness he brought me. I pissed away the lottery winnings because I didn’t know how to control my temper.

I deserve this.

E: I want to thank everyone who commented and provided insight. Honestly, as I typed my responses, I realized how much my friend did for me, I should thank her for not leaving me at this trying time.

I suspect that my ex deliberately did not give her the instructions to cut me out nor force her to choose between us. I don’t have a lot of friends (well, she’s like my only friend left) and he probably didn’t want me to be alone. I guess that was his one last act of kindness.

I wish I could go back in time and cherish that man. Sadly he’s gone.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AnimatorDifficult429

What was going through your head for that two weeks? Like were you just pissed the entire time? Or missing him? Forgot about him?

OOP

Pissed mostly. Kind of like a cocktail of him giving me a “shitty” birthday gift, him not reaching out to try and fix things, school not going well and he’s not there to support me, etc.

Just things haven’t been going well and this fight gave me an easy villain to channel my anger to.

~

havoc294

:( you DID deserve this. But now you know so you can make sure you don’t deserve this in the future. Very sad reading your story as I’m a male who was in the same boat as your ex. Loved a girl to no end, was beaten into submission before I got trapped. The only difference is I’m sure she’s a borderline sociopath who would only pretend to “get better” with therapy. But you’re out there doing it. Hope everything goes well

OOP

Thanks for sharing your perspective as someone who is on my ex’s side.

I know I fucked up big time. Based on my past, I think I let my soulmate walk away. Why? Because I needed a whipping boy because I couldn’t handle my feelings.

Hell, I could have talked to him about being frustrated and he would have bought me pizza or wine or something to calm me down. What did I do? Ghosted him instead.

I don’t think I’ll find someone like him again.

~

fu_kaze

You only talk about what he did for you. When you say you “threw this all away”, what exactly did he miss out on? I’m saying this in an effort to help you frame how you recall the relationship and think about what you bring to the table as a partner in the future other than being the recipient of gifts and gestures.

OOP

We really haven’t gotten to that session yet. So fa…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1kpfnho/therapy_made_me_realize_what_an_awful_person_i/