**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [ketita](https://www.reddit.com/user/ketita/)**.** They posted in r/AmItheAsshole # Do NOT comment on...
This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-05-19 04:20:29+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ketita. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old

Mood Spoiler: light-hearted, though the comments go a bit wild

Original Post: April 23, 2025

My friend was over visiting, I offered tea. She said yes.

She’s not much of a tea drinker - she normally drinks cheap herbal teas (which are not Actually Tea anyway), and isn’t picky. I, on the other hand, have a cabinet full of teas of various types, imported from around the world.

I offered her a decent selection: a nice oolong, a nice white tea, a high-quality herbal, a good flavored black. She pointed at something else in the cabinet and went “what about that one?”

I hesitated, then said it’s pretty expensive pu-erh I had imported, and she probably wouldn’t like it anyway. She said I’m being stingy and could let her taste for herself.

But pu-erh is a polarizing tea anyway, and this stuff is not cheap at all, and it would be difficult for me to get more of this brand. I know I can make multiple cups from it, but I hadn’t been planning on doing a pu-erh week right now, and really didn’t want to “waste” it on someone who probably wouldn’t like it anyway. She doesn’t even like strong black tea!

(for those not in the know: my family has compared the smell of pu-erh to “fish” and “dirty socks”. I like it a lot, but I understand it’s not everybody’s thing.)

Now she’s being passive aggressive at me. AITA?

Top Comments:

Clean-Patient-8809: (Top commenter) NTA. Especially since making that particular type of tea for her would mean forcing you to use or waste your whole supply in a short period of time. Weird that she wasn’t happy choosing from the ones you offered.

OOP: I think she was just kinda nosing at my interesting-looking tea cabinet. Which I get, but when I visit my fellow tea-drinking friends, even if I see something shiny I’ll generally keep my eyes to myself unless it’s offered… tea can be very expensive.

If it had been a different tea I might’ve given her anyway, but I just couldn’t bring myself with the pu-erh.

Editor’s note: this commenter responded to OOP and it was one of the most awarded and top voted comments. I found it very enlightening so added it here!

epoops: I wanted to respond to you here (you’re NTA by the way) that I am an AVID tea drinker of over 30 years. I love tea. I am someone who spends too much on tea. I fucking HATE most pu-erhs, most just don’t agree with me. So your friend, not even being super into tea, being pissed about you not offering the pu-erh is a her thing. Like she’s absolutely gonna waste it. In the very off chance she wouldn’t have wasted it… you weren’t in the mood that week to brew the stuff!!

When I have non tea loving friends over, and I offer them a drink including tea, I just don’t offer them my special stuff. It is what it is! Maybe they’ll appreciate it but they probably wouldn’t knowing they don’t care for tea so that’s a few cups down the drain for my consumption. When I have tea lovers over, I absolutely offer my crème de la creme.

It’s like wine or other alcohol. When I used to drink, if someone offered me wine, I couldn’t tell if it was two buck chuck or some $100 bottle because I wasn’t a wine person. Good wine was wasted on me. Whenever a friend wanted to open a good bottle while I was hanging out with them, I always told them ONLY open it if THEY want to appreciate it. Because to me, it’ll just be “wine” and I’d never want them to waste it on me if they were only opening it because of my company.

So your friend being pissed, esp when you offered other GOOD tea is being petty with the passive aggressiveness. I’d be so fucking pissed - but only for a moment - if someone wanted my $50 for 100g tea and then said “oh eh it’s just like the stuff I get at Costco.” Your friend could be annoyed - but only for a moment! The fact she’s still being pissy is not ok, at the end of the day, it’s just tea! Why stay passive aggressive over it.

I’d flat out say to her : did you want gym sock fish smelling tea? I didn’t think you’d like it since most don’t. But if so, I’ll let you have some gym sock fish tea next time since you want to try it so badly, just be aware that’s all you’ll be drinking when you’re over since I am not in a position to allow this tea to go to waste.

That should shut her up or at least will try to stop her passive aggressiveness. You tell someone up front ok sure you can try this but that’s ALL you’re having then, they usually stfu and move on

OOP: I very much appreciate your comment (and oh god, feel you on the $50 for 100g, oh dear). I have also definitely had friends who ask for tea, brew a cup, and then drink three sips and the rest gets poured out. Sob.

And the tea I offered her was good! Absolutely not trash tea.

In my friend’s defense, though, while she was a bit snitty, she didn’t throw a whole tantrum or anything, and we parted cordially. I just felt bad afterwards, which was why I posted.

Some of OOP’s Comments

Commenter: YTA. By specifically saying the tea is expensive you definitely created the impression that you didn’t want to give it to her for that reason.

You could’ve simply said it has a strong flavor (or whatever) and that a lot of people don’t care for it. You could’ve let her smell the tea leaves.

You also sound really judgmental, putting her down for drinking “cheap” tea, “which isn’t really tea anyway.” While the latter statement is technically true, it makes you sound arrogant.

She’s being passive aggressive because she thinks you were rude to her.

Is she really even a friend? Or do you just enjoy putting her down?

OOP: I have nothing against her drinking cheap tea. The “isn’t really tea anyway” is about herbal teas, which… are literally not tea, and no tea-drinker I knows will refer to them as “actual” tea. I didn’t say that to her, anyway. Please note the Humorous Capitalization used there.

My point is that it’s a very different flavor for someone who generally drinks herbals.

Smelling would have been no use. It doesn’t have a strong smell, and nothing prepares you for the pitch black that results.

Taking this all the way to “is she really a friend” over a minor conflict about tea is a bit much, imo.

Commenter: […] “Taking this all the way to “is she really a friend” over a minor conflict about tea is a bit much, imo.” I guess you haven’t been on reddit very long! Also, it doesn’t sound that minor if she’s being passive-aggressive with you. That means she’s unhappy.

OOP: She was passive aggressive for a bit, then we kept hanging out and parted cordially. I just felt bad afterwards and decided to post, since I figured AITA could use a change from crazy fiancees, inheritance entitlement, and childfree weddings.

Commenter: NTA. Your mate was out of line. You offered her decent tea, she went poking about and asked for your good stuff like it was hers. That pu-erh’s not builder’s brew – it’s niche, expensive, and an acquired taste. If she’s not even into proper tea and normally drinks glorified potpourri, what’s she on about?

If she normally drinks floral bathwater, she’d likely hate the pu-erh anyway. Let her sulk, she’s being daft.

OOP: Thank you for at least understanding my strong feelings about herbal vs. tea, lol.

fwiw this isn’t a huge strop, she was just annoyed. It’s not the highest-stakes conflict I’ve ever been involved in, I just felt a bit bad afterwards.

Commenter: I think one could phrase it better than “I don’t want to waste it on you.” I would walk out if an alleged “friend” said that to me.

OOP: fwiw, I didn’t say that. I said very apologetically that it’s really difficult to get, admittedly mentioning that it’s expensive was a mistake, and that pu-erh is a very polarizing tea and lots of people don’t like it (and included the anecdote about my family and the fish comments).

I clearly wasn’t the most tactful, hence coming here, but I wasn’t actually trying to be a massive jerk about it.

Commenter: INFO…why open the cabinet and give choices? You’re the host, you choose what to serve. It avoids awkward conversations.

OOP: The tea was in the cabinet. I opened it and took out several options to offer her (including an herbal). She looked in the cabinet while I was doing so and asked about the pu-erh.

I hadn’t thought to pre-remove the tea from the cabinet so she wouldn’t see that there’s other tea, because most people will choose from provided options.

Commenter: Seems like being a snob got you in trouble.  When she asked what it was, you could have just taken it down, told her about it, how you find the taste of it and let her smell it. Probably she would have nodded politely and moved on, satisfied.

She was curious and you defaulted to “You couldn’t possibly appreciate this fine brew.” And that’s why she got mad at you.

YTA for being a snob about tea and judging other people’s palates.

OOP: It’s kind o…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1kq2xmv/aita_for_not_sharing_the_good_tea_with_a_friend/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    2·
    14 days ago

    YTA for being a snob about tea and judging other people’s palates.

    OOP: It’s kind of the opposite of “appreciate this fine brew”, though? Yes it’s expensive, but I have yet to meet anybody around me who actually likes pu-erh, because it’s so smelly. Even my lapsang souchong drinking husband doesn’t like it. It’s not a snobbery thing, it’s really that many people* just don’t like it, even among tea snobs. I know it wasn’t smart to mention the price, which redirected the whole issue. *eta: many people I know don’t like it. I am aware that it has plenty of afficionados

    Commenter: Then say that. Saying what you said comes off as snobby. Literally just telling them it can smell like fish or old socks would turn most people away.

    OOP: Can’t believe I fell into the perpetual trap of not being specific enough in the OP :(

    Commenter: Lmao you totally said all of that didnt you

    OOP: I absolutely told the old socks story :(((( it’s a very funny story. The funnier part was that when I got my first pu-erh and was young and foolish, I was steeping that shit for like 4 minutes. yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh the family had lots of comments about it

    Commenter: NTA. I can’t imagine pointing beyond the offerings given to me. If none of those are tempting, just have a glass of water. Probably should have left out the cost but refusing to make it for her is reasonable since it’s obviously more high-maintenance and not to her taste.

    OOP: Mentioning the cost was definitely a stupid moment for me. Though in fairness, I have another friend who’s a big tea-drinker and if she said some tea was super rare/super expensive, I’d be like yeah no, enjoy that! I can fund my own expensive hobby lol Still, not my finest hour

    The tea itself:

    This pu-erh is wayyyy above my normal price range, because while I may have a bit of a tea problem, my wallet is not fat enough to really indulge. I’d received it as a gift from someone who had it gifted to them and was like “I don’t like tea anyway, d’you want it”. It was like gold from heaven.

    Commenter: […] But you act rather snobby about her preferring herbal infusions and definitely came across as rude and demeaning with “she probably wouldnt even like it anyways”-

    OOP: I didn’t tell her she drinks cheap herbals. I told you guys - because she does. She buys the cheapest supermarket stuff. I even buy the more expensive herbals, the ones with big fat sachets full of whole leaves and flowers and such. It was just to explain her general taste in tea/herbal. I’m fine with her enjoying what she enjoys.

    Commenter: “I don’t talk down about my friends to their faces, just anonymously online” isn’t much better. For the record, I think you’re NTA in this story, but could’ve handled it WAY better, as others have mentioned. But in general yeah you come across as an asshole about this. You seem like the type of snobby tea drinker that makes people dislike tea drinkers and tea

    OOP: I don’t think it’s talking down to her. She will also say she buys the inexpensive tea, because it tastes fine to her. It’s a description of her actual herbal-tea-shopping habits. I have some things where I’ll buy the cheap option, because I don’t care or can’t tell the difference myself (like coffee. I tell my friends not to waste their good coffee on me, since I don’t particularly like it anyway and will just dump sugar in it). It’s a factual description of the type of herbal tea she buys. She’s a lovely person, which has no bearing on her choice of hot beverages.

    Commenter: The number of people mad at you for accurately (and in a tongue in cheek way) pointing out herbal teas are not tea is hilarious.

    It’s like pointing out a turkey sandwich isn’t a burger and having the turkey sandwich lovers come out in anger.

    OOP: I honestly thought the whole post was phrased fairly lightly, to reflect this exceedingly minor conflict! and idk, I find tea and coffee snobbism pretty entertaining and low stakes (except for the wallets of everyone involved)

    Commenter: Your post was phrased totally fine. The problem is with the weirdos who find it offensive to point out that “herbal tea” is not tea.

    OOP: I also feel like in this case at least, it is relevant information? Tea tends to have a more bitter edge, tannins, and a very specific flavor that herbals won’t have. So somebody who generally drinks herbal tea is already not quite approaching with the same flavor expectations as a tea-tea drinker. Anyway, I like chamomile, for example, but it’s a different flavor than tea-from-the-tea-plant. It’s just a different thing.

    Editor’s note: There are many comments dissecting OOP’s tone and her emotional state and OOP trying to explain that this is meant to be a light hearted post and that their friendship is totally fine. I did not feel like including any more of those comments.

    OOP is voted NTA, but comments are heavily mixed

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      2·
      14 days ago

      OOP is voted NTA, but comments are heavily mixed

      Update Post: May 12, 2025 (19 days later)

      So I was judged NTA on the post, but there was definitely a lot of very… lively discussion about tea, tea snobs, and inappropriate nosing in cabinets. I very much appreciated all the comments.

      As it happened, about a week after the post, our friend-group whatsapp started talking about…you guessed it…tea. Specifically, somebody went “what do you mean ‘different types of tea’, like verbena?”, and another friend, not even me, went off about how that’s not real tea (look, my friends and I agree on the important things in life) (also I’m waiting for people to wonder why tf we keep on talking about tea on our whatsapp group. it doesn’t actually happen that often, I swear).

      Anyway I jumped in and said HOW ABOUT WE HAVE A TEA PARTY and I will let y’all try the fancy stuff.

      So we did! About ten friends came, including the original friend who was cruelly denied the Good Pu-erh.

      We tried 8 different types of tea, including some variants of the same type, so they could compare the flavors (e.g. two oolongs, two English Breakfasts). The biggest hit was the chai, lol. Afterwards some people asked where they could order some of the teas for themselves.

      And as for the friend from the first post, she tried the coveted pu-erh aaaaaaaand… did not like it lol. Otoh, her heart opened to the genmaicha. One of my other friends did enjoy the pu-erh, though.

      Everyone had a good time, and agreed that we should totally do it again. I am now sitting here and sipping my third steep of the leaves with great satisfaction.

      Some of OOP’s Comments:

      Commenter: Good for you!! I think it’s great that you could work it out in a positive way. And everyone now gets to enjoy tea parties 🎉

      OOP: It was a really positive ending to the whole thing! It was also really fun hearing my friends comparing the tea flavors to each other and commenting on them. People also brought finger foods and cookies and stuff, to make it a proper party :)

      Commenter: I love the way the flavor profile [of Pu-erh] changes over multiple steeps

      OOP: definitely. And I just kind of love that it has multiple steeps, because that way my tea leaves sit there looking at me and I go “ah well, I guess I just have to have another cup!”