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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-06-01 04:00:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Impossible_Cheek3265
Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest
I have been lying to my husband about my religion our entire relationship
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability
Trigger Warnings: manipulation
Original Post: March 30, 2025
I, F(25), and my husband, M(25), have been dating since we were in high school.
Both my parents had been raised orthodox Christians, and they did get married in a church, but it was mainly so my grandparents didn’t disown them. They did get me baptised, and we occasionally attended church when my grandparents visited. But I do identify as an atheist.
The high school friend group we were both were in, while not at a religious school did have a lot of Christian affiliated people in it, and as someone who had always been embarrassed whenever church came up, it allowed me to talk openly about my few experiences with it.
However, as all teenagers do, I lied, and heavily played up how religious I was to fit in. This was partly because my husband, the guy I liked at the time, was Christian, and while he had dated people who weren’t, I thought it would give me a shoo-in to a relationship. I would act as though I believed in God 100%, which I do not.
We started dating at 15, and we would bond over God, and he would invite me to his church. I always felt a bit guilty but assumed the relationship wouldn’t go anywhere. I sometimes felt doubt and wanted to call it off, but from a couple of weeks into the relationship, he would talk about dating to marry and love over lust. Which, as a teenage girl, felt like something straight from a storybook and made me feel special.
As our relationship developed I just kept hoping that if I went to church enough with him I would begin believing and I would never need to tell him I lied in the beginning. He proposed to me at the end of 2022 and we got married in a cathedral last year. While I know I should have told him then, it was too perfect to destroy it and I was scared. I had spent almost a decade with him and leaving didn’t feel like an option.
I don’t know what to do. I feel as though I’m living a lie. He doesn’t believe in divorce so even if I was to tell him, I don’t know what would happen.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: You manipulated him and the reality is, you can’t live like this forever. It’s clearly weighing on you, and that’s not fair to you, or to him to continue without him knowing. Relationships are built on trust, and while this is a huge thing to confess, continuing to hide it will only make it worse.
Commenter 2: This is a classic case of getting too deep into the lie. You lie about something, people believe it, you’re worried about what will happen when you reveal you lied. But the more time passes, the worse it’ll be when you reveal the deception, so it just gets harder and harder to reveal.
Putting aside the fact that you lied to this man in order to forge a relationship, which is pretty fucked up to be honest, do you think you can sustain this lie for the rest of your life, and live with the guilt of deceiving a man you claim to love?
From my perspective, seems like there are four options:
a) Take the secret to your grave. Potentially very difficult, could blow up in your face if you ever break. Husband lives with a wife he doesn’t even really know, but ignorance is bliss.
b) break off the relationship without revealing the lie. Relieves the guilt, but saves face. You don’t have to live a lie anymore. Husband will likely be very hurt.
c) reveal the deception. Will likely cause severe trust issues in husband. Possible it will end the relationship, and tarnish your reputation, but best case scenario, with a lot of therapy, could create a genuine, honest relationship.
d) pretend to deconstruct/deconvert, and lose your faith. You do not reveal the full extent of your deception, allowing you to save face, and will potentially lead to a more real relationship. Might not alleviate guilt completely. Depending on the depth of his faith, could break the relationship anyway, and will almost certainly be challenging time for him. Less likely to make him hate you though.
Commenter 3: I can’t imagine 10+ years of enduring religious ceremonies, meetings and what not, that I didn’t believe in.
Set yourself free and tell him the truth.
Commenter 4: It feels like you’re living a lie because YOU ARE living a lie. You manipulated and lied to him. You faked a Christian wedding to appease him. This is not sustainable. You HAVE to come clean, especially before you two have any kids. It’s going to fall apart once kids are born for sure, so better to let that happen now before you subject children to it. You are betraying both him and yourself by maintaining this lie.
Update: May 25, 2025 (nearly two months later)
I told him. I couldn’t take the weight of it anymore, and I confessed everything.
How I lied at the start, how I don’t believe in God, how I tried to force myself to for him. He didn’t yell. He just sat quietly. (Just to clarify from the last post isn’t Orthodox he is Protestant, but when we were in high school whenever we would talk about religion I would say I agreed more with Protestantism then the religion I supposedly was. When we got married it was in a church and he fully believes I converted with little doubt in my new faith.)
After I told him everything he left. He went to his parents house and I didn’t see him all weekend, he didn’t call, text, or anything.
On Tuesday he returned home and he sat me down to talk. He is understandably heartbroken, not because I’m not Protestant but because I lied. He isn’t sure if it’s the real me he loves and his trust is broken. I asked him how he wants to move forward, but he hasn’t decided. He has always dreamed of a family with me and doesn’t want to lose that, but that dream has already been destroyed by my confession.
I’ve suggested going to relationship counselling, but he says he isn’t ready and is scared they will try to save the relationship rather than giving truthful advice from his past experience with family therapists growing up. I really hope he wants to stay and forgive me for what I’ve done.
I’ve explained that if we have children I am happy to raise them under Christian beliefs and even continue attending church with him, though I am nervous this would build more resentment. I love him so much and would do anything to help him want to stay.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: Trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets. You’re going to have to wait.
Commenter 2: OP, It’s out of your hands at the moment. You must now sit and wait for his decision going forward.
Commenter 3: You lied about a fundamental part of who you are and what you believe for your whole relationship, of course the trust has been obliterated
Anything you say to him now will sound hollow
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