This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-06-01 04:29:18+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is skeletoorr. They posted in r/Parenting
Thanks to u/Worth_Weather8031 for the rec!
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: May 2, 2025
The child actually turns 5 next week and my daughter turns 4 in 3 weeks. I don’t know this family well as they are my cleaners. But when it comes to my kid’s parties we are always of the mind the more the merrier. I’ve literally invited families from the park before.
So today he came by and as he was leaving we were discussing it as I invited them a week or so ago. And he brought up he wasn’t sure because of her autism which I didn’t know she had until now. We have a few autistic kids in the family. They are mostly teenagers or adults now. But it’s not new territory for us.
First thing I said was something like “oh don’t worry that doesn’t bother us. (Which I kinda feel like an ass because duh it shouldn’t bother anyone) Just let us know what we can do to make it easier for her and you guys” I then explained how the day would pan out, and how many kids were invited and their ages. I then told him, I can set up a quiet area just for her in the TV room. The TV room is literally a tiny ass room with a big old couch and a TV. But It’s off to the side. I can also put ambient lighting and sound machines in there. I also can set up some calmer solo activities for the kid too. Or even set up my daughter’s play room for the kid too. I have no problem doing what ever they need.
The thing is I know what’s worked for my family members and they are boys and it’s been ages since they were her age. And autistic or not every one has individual needs. And I’m not sure at all what her needs could be. He’s coming by the house again 2 more times before the party. I would love any suggestions or ideas that I can offer them and their daughter to help make the party a fun experience for her. I even have a play tent I can set up outside. I also have an inflatable water slide. And it’s a pool party so I feel like if she needs some decompression time, the kids won’t bother her as they will most likely be in the pool.
I just really want to do what I can to make this girl comfortable and have her feel safe so she can have a good time with her peers. But everyone is so different so I want to make sure I have some solid and varied options to give them so they can let me know what might be best for her. Okay im rambling now. Thank you.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: It would make her most sense to ask him about his child and what she needs. Then try to help by doing what would help her.
OOP: Oh for sure. He’s a bashful guy and he’s not the type to really ask for anything. So I want to make sure I have a lot of options laid out and ready to go so he doesn’t feel like he’s imposing. Especially because there is the aspect of me paying him for his services so I don’t want him to think he can’t ask. I figure offering options is the best way to figure out what’s needed without him being in the position to ask me for it. Does that make sense?
Commenter: My brother is autistic and crowds are a huge fear for him. Everything you’re doing to accommodate is wonderful, but please make it known that it is totally okay if she doesn’t want to come to a party. It can be a lot for a young kid, and he might not feel like he can say no.
OOP: Oh absolutely! And I did say that. I said whatever works for them works for me. But I’m seriously happy to do whatever they need. Everyone is different and I’m by no means have any idea what it’s like to have an autistic child. But from what I’ve seen with my own family members is having opportunities like this at a young age can really help that interpersonal growth.
Commenter: It does to me. Is he attending the party with her? I would go ahead and set up the sensory areas you already thought of (as a SPED teacher, I am extremely impressed!) and then when they arrive, discretely say to him that you set up a quiet area in case his daughter needs a break, and leave it at that. ❤️
OOP: Oh yes both parents are. And from a rando with limited knowledge that means a lot to me coming from a SPED teacher. I’m even thinking maybe invite them an hour early so the party is set up and it’s just my nuclear family and them. And then maybe as kids and families trickle in it won’t be too over stimulating like walking into a party is that is poppin off but a slow transition. And if they need to leave at least she will have gotten to engage in the actives and played.
Commenter: Counter point, it could also be making him uncomfortable that you’re doing so much extra for him/his child. I hate when people go out of their way for me, especially if it’s not needed, and super especially if I’ve already said I don’t need anything.
My 4yo son is autistic, but we really don’t need or make use of any accommodations, other than those I provide myself like his aac tablet (which he still doesn’t use lol)
I would ask if there’s anything you can do, and then trust that he’s an adult who can advocate for his child if he needs anything.
OOP: Fair point. And I understand where you’re coming from with your POV with your son. But everyone is different. What might work for you son might not work for her. It was a quick convo and I’m here to work out the kinks and get ideas. I’m not rolling out the red carpet, I’m being a good host. Any host worth their weight will make sure all guests are well accommodated. If someone had a gluten allergy I would make sure we had gluten free snacks and treats. There is nothing wrong with communicating with your guests and figuring whatever needs they may have. This just happens to be a more unique situation. I’m sure after this even I will have a better understanding of her needs and be able to accommodate her in the future without asking.
OOP explains:
Oh yeah totally. I’m not going to do anything without their guidance. I just want to make sure I have my bases covered when we have a more in depth convo. And if they say they need none of that. That’s fine! They don’t have to do anything they don’t want. I just want them to know, I’m happy and willing to do what I can. With the power imbalance I feel it’s especially important for them to know they aren’t imposing on me what so ever.
Commenter: I love that you’re thinking this way! Totally agree that it can be hard for people to ask, especially when there’s some sort of power imbalance. Throwing out options means they can pick from that list, or know ballpark the kinds of things you’re willing and able to do. If none of what you’re offering is quite the thing, they might be more comfortable to say what modification/variation of that would actually be good!
OOP: Thank you. I feel like some aren’t picking up what I’m putting down. I’m just doing the best I can with that I’ve got. And two things were brought up I didn’t think about. The main one being safe foods. And this is why having a place like Reddit to ask and learn is so great. Food did not cross my mind at all. And now I know when I talk to them next to bring this us.
Commenter: Honestly, as a parent of autistic kids, If my kiddo is having a hard time and no able to regulate, that is our cue to head out. I think just being understanding of them heading to leave at whatever point is great.
OOP: Oh yeah. They can leave. They don’t have to come. I just want them to know we are happy to have them and happy to do whatever can so all our guests can have a good time. Whatever works for them works for me.
Edit (Same Post): May 5, 2025 (3 days later)
Edit: Man this got a little bit more emotionally complicated than I expected.
First I am heartbroken and pissed at how many of you said an invite was just enough. That having your kid included meant the world. And from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry people are ignorant dicks. I’m not doing anything special. I am doing what everyone should do. Treat people how you want to be treated. Inviting a kid into my home regardless of needs isn’t some kind of hero moment. It’s just what you do. All for one and one for all. Maybe I’m weird. Maybe I’m a freaking saint. I don’t know and I don’t care. Everyone deserves to feel seen.
Second so many of you gave me so much insight to things I hadn’t considered. And I’m so thankful that I came here. Only a select few of you were weirdos.
Third what may work for your autistic child may not work for the next. That’s why I’m here asking for ideas and advice. To say your autistic child would hate this and never come and shit on my invite, you’re kinda a dick. Just because one autistic child wouldn’t like it doesn’t mean another autistic child wouldn’t love what I’ve prepared. I’ll never know what it’s like to have an autistic child. But I can say never assume the world your family lives in is the…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1l0gacm/invited_a_kid_to_my_daughters_birthday_was_just/
Third what may work for your autistic child may not work for the next. That’s why I’m here asking for ideas and advice. To say your autistic child would hate this and never come and shit on my invite, you’re kinda a dick. Just because one autistic child wouldn’t like it doesn’t mean another autistic child wouldn’t love what I’ve prepared. I’ll never know what it’s like to have an autistic child. But I can say never assume the world your family lives in is the exact same as everyone else.
Fourth I have a paid life guard. No one will be unsupervised in my pool.
Fifth I will update you after the party.
Update Post: May 25, 2025 (23 days later)
I have so many things to say but I’ll start off by saying it was a success. Original link is below.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/bHeSLHEKzL
1: For a sub that should be supportive a lot of ya’ll are nasty. Think about how if someone spoke about your child that way.
2: The worst offenders were the ones that claimed they also had autistic children. I really hope you don’t view your children the way you viewed my guest.
3: If you think it’s weird I invited my cleaner and their family to my party. Open your heart more, I live in the world of the more the merrier. I suggest you do the same, you would be surprised at the community you can build.
Okay onto the thick of it. About 5 days before the party. The cleaner had come by to do a medical check in with the kitten he had adopted from me. I set up a lot of the party by this point. I was hoping he could see the decorations and lay out and have a better understanding of what him and his daughter would be walking into the day of.
The day of I dropped the ball. The mom text me and said she was having an allergic reaction and wouldn’t make it. I didn’t open the text and assumed they wouldn’t be coming so I stopped setting up the quiet space in favor of other chores I had to do. Then him and his daughter show up early like we discussed. Entirely my fault for not opening the whole text…if I had I would have seen where she said dad and daughter would be coming. Totally my bad. Those last hours before a party are just pure chaos.
She did struggle with some of the decorations, but we figured that out, and I power cleaned/set up the quiet space. I got her all dialed in with the activities, and put on her shows and did other little things to make the space best for her. All from her dad’s guidance. She engaged in all the activities at her own pace. It did take her some time to get comfortable but once she did. She came out for the kids dance party. She was out in the living room busting some moves.
And from what I understand she personally picked out the gift for my daughter and of freaking course it’s my daughter’s favorite! These kids are much more in tune than we give them credit for. They know what their peers want. We are having a 4th of July BBQ and they are invited.
I appreciate you all and the truly helpful advice you gave. And now after this first event, I know how to make every event more suitable for them.
And truly some of yall need Jesus and that’s coming from an atheist. Like how can you be that hateful towards me for just including people and building a community. I just will never understand being that negative. Like get therapy. Go to church. Volunteer at animal hospital. Anything to make you less hateful. We are talking about children and community. Be better.
I’ll link below some of the photos of the decor. You would be surprised at what you can do with some dollar tree shit.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: You sound like an awesome person, thank you for being so considerate and making the world a better place 🙂🙏🏽
And I agree with you about some of the weird attitudes in here… chill out people!
OOP: Thank you! I felt like I was in the twilight zone.
Commenter: As a mum to an autistic child, I’m blown away by how you did so much to make the little girl comfortable.
OOP: Yall are breaking my heart. I literally did nothing but be a good hostess.
Editor’s note:
OOP commented on this post!
OOP: Yall I am dying. I read this sub every night before bed. And yet here my nonsense is. But let me tell you, any day you’re this side of the dirt is a good day.
I linked below some of the photos. Forgive the lighting, my house was built in 52 and has no overhead lights and I had to get creative with party lighting. I love to ball out on a budget and most of this comes from the dollar tree. If you have any questions on what I did, I’m happy to help!
under the sea
