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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-06-02 04:00:03+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwmytroublesaway

I [21F] suspect that I might be my boyfriend [29M] of 2 years’ side chick.

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, gaslighting

Original Post Sept 22, 2015

Some details: Tim and I have been together for 2 years. We are both foreigners living in Europe. Names have been changed. Tim is a very private person in general, and so maybe some of the strangeness stems from that…

In order to explain everything, I think I have to start at the very beginning. Tim and I met at an event for native english speakers after each of us having lived here for a year. We hit it off immediately. Later that week we went to a pub crawl with other people from the event and hooked up. Only a few days later we decided to meet up again, but when trying to decide if it’d be at my place or his, he told me it has to be mine and he’ll explain why later. For the record, I do not live in an ideal situation to be having people, much less men, over, and he was completely aware of the situation. He came over and told me that he is currently still living with his ex-girlfriend of about 3 months. He had his own room and everything, but because he had prepaid for 6 months of rent to lend her some money, he was staying there.

Okay, so yeah, I know this is weird. But who am I to judge? He says they are definitely broken up and I’m just sleeping with the guy right now, so whatever.

A few weeks go by, and we decide to start dating exclusively and officially. He says he’s just living with with his ex, who we’ll name Stephanie, temporarily for another 3 months, and then he’ll find another place.

Alright, so it’s a weird situation, but I trust him, and he’ll leave in 3 months. He complains about having to live with her and says it’s uncomfortable. He also told me why they broke up, which was because he caught her cheating on him with her ex at a party. So I’m not worried about them getting back together. I’m not 100% comfortable with the situation but it’s manageable.

A few months pass and Tim doesn’t move out. He says he’s now got his own little apartment in the same house, but that it’s so much better for him to stay there because he doesn’t have to buy any furniture and the rent is cheap. (Remember we’re foreigners, so buying a ton of furniture that you’re just going to have to sell when you leave is annoying) He eventually starts saying that he’s going to bring me over there to show me that they’re living separately and whatnot.

Long story short, that never happened. Every time I asked him to ask her about it, he’d say that she’d get upset and blah blah blah. Apparently she was aware that he had a girlfriend, but didn’t like it and wanted to get back together.

After a year, he finally moved out. Not into his own place, but into the spare room at his buddy’s house. I had been to this buddy’s place before, only once, though, and that has been the one and only time I’ve ever met one of his non-mutual friends (which is suspicious and strange on its own). I didn’t help with the move (not for lack of trying), so no, I never saw him move his stuff there. Again, this was a temporary solution until he found a place of his own.

Through various circumstances: company being bought out which lead to job insecurity, him being EXTREMELY picky about finding an apartment, he has still yet to move into a place of his own. It’s been about 10 months since he moved into his buddy’s place, and I’ve yet to be there, even though I’ve asked many times. He always says yes, but then later says that he doesn’t want to intrude or be a nuisance, etc. So essentially, I’ve never seen where he lives.

Those things, along with me never having met his friends or skyped with his family are the underlying basis for my suspiscion, but here’s where the real stuff comes.

Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I went Facebook stalking. I searched for Tagged Photos of Tim because I know he’s weird about his facebook and doesn’t let tagged pictures and posts show up on his wall. While going through the pictures, I found three pictures of him while he was visiting home over the summer. In each of the three pictures, there is a girl, who is untagged, and sitting next to Tim. In 2 of the 3 pictures his arm is around her (but the pictures are more posed and everyone’s arms are around each other). 2 of the pictures are with friends, so I figured she’s a friend from home, no big deal. In one picture though, they are with his sister and her husband and daughter. So a much more intimate picture.

I do not know what Stephanie looks like, and she doesn’t have facebook. I can’t find a picture of her through googling. But I think this girl might be her. I don’t know exactly why I think that, but I do.

I did some more google research and found Stephanie’s grandmother’s obituary. She died in January. So after Tim would have moved out of the house and definitely after they should have been broken up. And yet, on the obituary his name is listed next to Stephanie’s as members of the family. I do know that he was close to the grandmother and that she left him stuff in her will, but still I’m suspicious.

If what I suspect is true, that means that he was able to hide this from me and her for 2 years, which is honestly just impressive.

Right now, though, I’m stuck. I don’t want to bring up my relatively weak “evidence” with him until I can be sure, because he’ll just have an excuse and I’ll just accept it because I want to trust him and be with him. I don’t know how to get any more proof that the girl in the pictures is Stephanie or how to know for sure one way or the other. So that’s where I’d like advice. I’m not going to break up with him without knowing 100% because I honestly do love him, but I don’t know how I can know 100%. Any advice or help is appreciated. Although please be constructive.

Tl;dr: Together for 2 years. Strange behavior and circumstances makes me suspicious. Found pictures on facebook of him with a girl. Can’t prove whether that girl is his “ex” or not. Looking for advice.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

How long have they been seeing each other?

We see each other at least twice a week, usually more, and he spends the night almost every weekend.

[deleted]

That’s an awful lot of time to spend away from home with a mistress. You mentioned that you are two hours away from their old apartment. What would allow him to be away for so long so regularly? His job? Is he still that far away after moving out? Do you ever do anything in his area, or are you always in your area?

There’s a lot of suggestive hooks for reddit to latch onto here, but there’s not a ton of meat within your posts to come to an absolute conclusion.

OOP

Their old apartment is only about a 40 min drive away, however because I don’t have a car, I’d have to get there using public transport and because it’s in the middle of nowhere it’d take me about 2 hours to get there.

The new apartment is only a 20 min drive and much closer to where he works.

He does not travel for work that often, and when he does it’s usually only for a night or 2 during the week.

We mostly stick to doing things around where I am because I live nearer to the city where there are actually things to do. Plus, like I said getting to around where his friends are, is an annoyance with public transportation and drinking and driving is a definite no-go.

Does he cancel plans a lot?

Yes, he cancels or comes late quite often.

I don’t know exactly where the new apartment is. I know the village it’s in, but not the address.

As I said before, I’ve never really met any of his friends, except for one of them one time.

Update 1 Nov 3, 2015 (6 weeks later)

So, it’s been a while. The story was developing and I didn’t want to update without knowing anything for sure. I never expected my post to get so much attention, and minus the few comments and PMs about being a slut, I really appreciate all of the input everyone had, and I read every single comment and message. So first off, thanks to everyone.

As many people suggested I do, I started with a conversation with Tim, where I made very very clear how much the whole situation bothered me and why it was an issue for me. I tried to show him things from my perspective and tried to make him understand why I was so upset. He said he understood and apologized profusely. He cried and I cried. He said it was never his intention to hurt me and that he hadn’t realized this had been such a large issue for me, and that he had been selfish about it. He said it was all going to change and that I would meet his friends and see where he’s staying, and get to skype with his family, etc. etc. He said I was the most important part of his life here and that he can’t imagine his life without me in it. He said he wants to find an apartment for us to live together and that when I’m done with school, he wants to go back home together for good. He also told me th…

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