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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/EyeGlad3032 on 2025-06-17 18:45:57+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Immediate-Dog1146

Should I [29F] asked my fiancé [31M] to split bills and expenses more proportionately?

TWs: Financial Strain, Loss of Employment

Original Post November 23, 2021

Together for 3.5 years. After taxes I make $25000 per year, he makes $75000 per year. Everything is split 50/50 except our groceries because he was willing to admit that he spends waaaaay more than I ever would on food.

I’m trying to pay my fair share, but I’m struggling; I just can’t keep up. I think if I made $50000 and he made $150000 the difference wouldn’t be so bad even though he would still make 3x more than me, but I’m so close to broke any expense makes a difference. I have really tried to cut down; no new clothes in so long I look like a hobo half the time, I cut my phone bill down to $20 a month, managed to qualify for a really cheap health insurance plan, we basically never eat out anymore, haven’t had my hair cut in over a year, but it’s not enough to make a difference when you make this little and are splitting bills 50/50 with someone who makes triple your income.

Lately I’ve been turning down a lot of ideas for date nights or short trips because I just don’t have the money. Even smaller stuff like buying a bottle of wine to bring to Thanksgiving dinner because I said it wasn’t in my budget (he ended up paying for it).

I feel like a big party pooper, and I can tell he’s disappointed when I say I can’t do something, but I just don’t know what else to do until I get a better job. To be honest I also get a little jealous when he mentions splurging on lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, or buying new clothes, or other “fun” purchase I can’t make. I would like to talk to him before this jealousy grows into true resentment, but I don’t know if it’s fair to ask to split the bills more (to me) fairly.

TLDR: I make $25000 per year, he makes $75000 per year. Should I ask him to split bill more proportionately instead of 50/50?

Edit: thanks everyone! So many other discussions and forums said that 50/50 is the only fair way to split expenses, so I feel much better about bringing this up. We have a monthly relationship check in coming up so I will discuss it then.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Does he do 50/50 of all the housework?

OOP

Actually yes! He probably does a little more than half because he works from home and doesn’t have a commute, and he’s willing to make more complex dinners than I am.

[deleted]

Okay well I’m very glad! I think this is just something you’re going to have to sit down and talk to him about. Make it clear that the current setup is just plain unfair. It’s easy to assume he’s not thoughtful towards you but he may just not realise.

OOP

Thank you. We actually do a monthly “relationship check in” (his idea and it works really well for us) so I’ll bring it up then! I’ve told him about individual struggles with money, but I don’t think he realizes the 50/50 split is the main issue. Looking at other discussions or forums so many people said 50/50 is the only fair way to split so I’m glad I asked for other opinions.

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iamltr

Honestly, maybe you would be better if you lived somewhere you could afford and then live on your own.

The number one thing on how to live better is to live beneath your budget.

If he has not cared that you are struggling by now, he never will.

OOP

He actually owns the house we live in; looking at apartments rent in our city is definitely more than what I currently pay (the apartment I had before was sold so no moving back there) so I would probably need to get a roommate for just a one bedroom. I’m going to talk about this with him at our monthly relationship check in (sounds corny, but it works!).

zestypesto

You’re paying 50% of his mortgage and struggling to stay afloat? That’s honestly so fucked up, he’s benefiting from you being close to destitution. How long have you been doing that? Hope he adds your name to the deed if y’all get married.

Update January 3, 2022 (more than a month later)

At our monthly relationship check in we actually both brought up how we split our expenses. We decided to sit down and look at our incomes and current shared expenses. In the end we agreed to split proportionately and discussed a timeline for combining our finances when we get married. I am still looking for a better job, but for now I’m really happy with our discussion and decision.

TL;DR: we talked and mutually agreed to split proportionately.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SleepGameNetflix

Glad things worked out for you. It seemed silly you had to cut down on things like necessary clothes and hair cuts due to having to pay too much on bills, when the other person earned alot more. What did you agree on? 70/30? 60/40?

OOP

Proportionate to our income, which is not the exact numbers I shared in my original post, but pretty close (was a little vague for privacy reasons).

~

[deleted]

I’m so glad. I read your post and thought it didn’t sound like some of these finance-split posts, as he seemed like a great partner and probably just needed to understand the strain this method was creating. Your relationship sounds pretty healthy! So glad this worked out.

OOP

You’re exactly right! Putting all of the numbers on paper made it click that it was a long term thing that we needed to address, and he immediately worked with me to change things. I was surprised by some of the comments and messages I received, especially the ones that assumed he does nothing around the house.

~

hopingtothrive

Was your fiancé surprised that you could not afford what he could afford based on the big difference in your incomes? It is surprising to me that he didn’t recognize that a 50/50 split was unfair and unsustainable from the beginning and that you mentioning you could not afford to do things didn’t make him wonder why.

OOP

Two things mainly. First, for a while we weren’t going out or spending much due to the pandemic, so I had enough money to cover expenses and then some. Second, I had a different job pre-pandemic and lost it when everything shut down that paid more than my current job. Unfortunately that was with a little mom and pop place that no longer exists; I’ve tried to get back into the industry on my own, but even this far into the pandemic it’s not easy.

hopingtothrive

But wasn’t your fiancé aware of your reduced income and loss of job? Especially when you couldn’t afford the wine?

OOP

Well this is all on me, but I was trying to downplay it and not make it obvious that I was struggling, and was hoping I could get a better job to fix it, plus it’s not like I was missing bill payments or anything. Really I should have been more upfront about it and that is completely my fault for not discussing it sooner.

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