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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/DueIndependence5527 on 2025-06-21 03:41:52+00:00.
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Beginning_One_6932 in r/TrueOffMyChest and r/daddit
trigger warnings: domestic violence
mood spoilers: hopeful?
** I missed the first 4 years of my daughter’s life, and now she’s living with me** - May 18, 2025
I missed the first 4 years of my daughter’s life, and now she’s living with me
I got a girl pregnant when I was 20. She was 18. We weren’t in a serious relationship, more like two young, scared kids who were hooking up over the summer ended up with way more than we were ready for. When she told me she was pregnant, I freaked out.
My parents told me to stay out of it. They said it would ruin my life, my future. That I wasn’t ready, and getting involved would just make things harder for me, for her, for everyone. They stepped in, hired a lawyer, and started paying child support on my behalf. They told me to move on, and I did. At least on the surface.
I finished college. Got a decent job. From the outside, everything looks fine. But in the back of my mind, I always knew there was something missing. I’ve thought about her all the time over the last four years, as much as I tried not to. My daughter. I never met her., not even when she was born. I wondered what she looked like, what her voice sounded like, if she liked music or cartoons or dinosaurs or dolls. I always meant to reach out “someday,” but shame kept getting in the way. I didn’t know how to face her or her mom or what I’d even say. I knew I didn’t deserve a place in her life.
And then, a few weeks ago, I got a message from her on social media
Her mom left an abusive relationship and ended up in a shelter. She’s doing everything she can to stay safe and get back on her feet, but she couldn’t keep our daughter with her. And there’s no safe or available family on her side. Her mom is an alcoholic, so her parents’ house isn’t safe. She’s very paranoid about this guy coming after her and wanted our daughter (I feel like I liar calling her “our” daughter, btw) far away from where she currently is. She asked me if I’d temporarily take care of our daughter, and that I don’t need to even identify as “dad.” We talked on the phone after initially talking online. Everybody advised me against getting involved now, but I feel like this is the least I can do. I was probably awake for 2 days straight trying to decide what to do.
So now, my 4-year-old daughter is living with me. 3 hours from her mom and her home. In a home she’s never seen before, with a man she doesn’t know.
She’s small, sweet, cautious. She doesn’t talk much, but she watches everything. She asked me if she’s going to stay here now, and when I said yes, for a while, she just nodded and went back to coloring. No crying. No big reaction. That kind of quiet acceptance from a kid her age is devastating.
I didn’t know she had a peanut allergy until I read it in the folder the caseworker handed me. I didn’t know her favorite color (it’s purple). I didn’t know that her favorite food was mac and cheese or that she hums to herself when she draws. I missed all of it. I didn’t even know that I needed a car seat for a 4 year old and had to get one when I drove out there to pick her up.
I feel like an imposter playing dad. I know absolutely nothing, and of course have anyone I know with kids on speed dial right now. Everything I should have learned over the past four years is hitting me all at once. I thought I had my life together, but now it feels like I’m starting over with someone who has every right not to trust me.
I know I can’t undo the past. I know I failed her, badly. But I’m here now and I’m trying, just completely clueless.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I’m so proud of you, I myself am a Parent of two and my own daughter is just two years younger than the gal when she got pregnant.
In some ways I agree with your family. At 20 this could have truly ruined your life, you stayed in school, got a degree and a career. You set yourself up best to help her succeed.
Now stay in her life.
I’m very curious, What do your parents think about all of this?
OOP My parents didn’t think I should get involved now. They’re saying the same sorts of things they said 4 years ago - that my involvement will somehow only make things worse. How? I don’t have any problems physically, mentally, legally. I’m not abusive. My mom basically said I have no clue what I’m doing, won’t be able to handle it, and will fail. My dad is convinced it’s only a matter of time before my daughter’s mom contacts me and asks if she can come stay here with me and I’ll never be able to get rid of her.
During the first year or two of my daughter’s life when I was still in school I remember asking my mom a few times if she’d heard anything about my daughter or knew how they were doing. My ex and daughter were living in the same town as my parents. She would just say things like “She’s fine, she’s with her mom” and shut the conversation down real fast.
The only encouraging person within my immediate family has been my younger brother.
Commenter 2: 1. Your parents are horrible. 2. Bless you for stepping up to the plate and being a father to your child. 3. See a child psychologist to help her transition.
Be a safe space for her, and with time she’ll come around. Don’t just love her, nurture her. Learn the difference.
OOP: I can honestly say that I don’t think my relationship with my parents has ever been the same since all of this happened 4 years ago, but at the same time I’ve finally come to accept my responsibility in not being involved. I blamed them in my head for a few years, or let them take the blame as a way to make myself feel a little less guilty. But I was a 20 year old adult and made the decision to do what my parents wanted me to do. They were against me getting involved this time too.
Commenter 3: I was reading the comments and thinking… wow, this woman was abandoned at 18 pregnant, and now her only support is the guy that abandoned her, and she doesn’t even ask a place for herself just for her daughter.
It’s sad, and I don’t think OP truly understands how unfair it is towards the mom. I may be wrong, but I get the vibe that OPs parents aren’t paying child support anymore…
OOP: Maybe I’m the asshole for not immediately inviting her to come stay with me, idk.
My parents haven’t paid child support in a little over a year. I’ve been paying it since then. On paper it was always me paying it and legally it’s always been my responsibility, but they fronted the money. It really was a minimal amount because I was still a college student without any sort of real income. They gave her a larger check up front too (not court mandated).
It looks like he made the same post in r/daddit, but I didn’t read that full one - I first read this in the r/TrueOffMyChest, so that’s the initial post I’m sharing here. The following update was posted to r/daddit.
Update: I was absent for the first 4 years of my daughter’s life, and now she’s been living with me for 2 weeks - June 4, 2025
Hi, so I posted around 2 weeks ago about my 4yo daughter coming to live with me and really us meeting for the first time. I didn’t expect to receive so many responses, and I think I needed all of the support more than I even realized at the time. I was honestly nervous to post because I figured I’d just get more judgement about not being involved in her life until now over any actual advice - and I’m not saying that judgement wouldn’t have been warranted. The amount of support and encouragement I’ve received here and from all of the people who have dent me dms has been really surprising and I’m thankful for it. Sorry, this is another long post coming.
Life has been really busy the past few weeks, so I haven’t really had to mental energy to come on and make an update or respond in to any posts, although I’ve been lurking and reading posts here lately.
The first week she was here, I took off work. The next week, I “worked from home,” but not much work got done. Since then, I’ve mainly been working from home and actually doing work, but I have had to go in a few days and take her with me since I had no other option. I took her in on days when few people were there. The situation is a little weird when it comes to qualifying to paternity leave or FMLA. She’s not my foster kid, she’s not a new baby, and she’s not a newly adopted kid. Regardless, since this was so unexpected, I’m not really in a position to take several weeks off at a reduce or absent salary. So, I need to find daycare asap. I feel really guilty about it. Her whole life has been turned upside down and I think she’s starting to get comfortable with me, and now I’m going to put her in another new situation with a bunch of other new people. At the same time, it also can’t be that great for her to mainly only be around me all the time, right?
I’ve already been warned that we’ll probably be on a waiting list for…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1lgn58e/i_missed_the_first_4_years_of_my_daughters_life/
Wanna bet op parents change tune soon?
What is sad is op didn’t say he didn’t like the woman he got pregnant. more so he was forced out by his family. I wonder if he had any feelings for her that could be rekindle SLOWLY.
I’ve already been warned that we’ll probably be on a waiting list for daycare no matter where we go. Is that true? And how long are we talking? Somebody at work who lives over on my side of town recommended a daycare that would work great since I pass it on my way to work. I looked up the reviews and decided it was a no. She won’t be entering kindergarten in the fall so I guess finding a preschool would be best, but does preschool even run in the summer? I’m hoping to find a part time thing to save money and because over the summer months I can work a few days a week from home. It looks like many daycares around here offer part-time options. I just don’t really like the sound of any of them.
I think she’s probably doing as well as she can be doing given the situation. We have more of a routine in place now, which I think helps both of us. She has her own bed now. She talks to me a lot more without me having to start the conversation or ask her a question. Sometimes the things she says or the questions she asks surprise me, like when she stood up and just yelled “I love farting!!!” out of nowhere. Then she asks me things that make me nervous, like “Did you have a daddy when you were little?” I mean, can a 4 year old fish for information in that way. She still doesn’t know that I’m her dad and I don’t really want her to ask. I don’t really know that she’d put anything together like that but it still makes me nervous.
We’re still in touch with her mom daily. We met up with her this weekend. I could tell that her mom was putting on a brave face, but she didn’t want to leave her. I thought she might tell me she wanted to take her back with her. Well, I know that’s what she wanted, but she didn’t act on it. Then when we went back to my place afterwards, my sort of had a 2 hour long meltdown - didn’t know a kid could scream for that long and that loud. She threw stuff everywhere, wouldn’t take a bath, wouldn’t go to bed. I didn’t know what to do, so I just stayed calm and pretended like it was no big deal. I just tried to ignore it, and eventually she calmed down enough to pick all of the stuff up that she threw around. It’s the first time she’s ever acted like that and I didn’t expect it.
I suggested to her mom that maybe she should try to move out here, which is 3 hours from where she’s at now. Maybe a new area would be good for her, and it would get her away from her boyfriend/ex-bf, whatever he is. I’m not inviting her to come stay with me, but I guess if she needed to temporarily stay somewhere very short term. She’s nervous to leave her job because I guess they’ve always been very supportive of her and flexible. She also doesn’t completely trust that I’m committed to being an actual present father in our daughter’s life, which I can totally understand. We’ve had some serious conversations about it, I’ve apologized, I’ve told her that I understand I’m going to have to prove myself and thankfully she is willing to give me a chance, but she says it’ll take a long time for her to feel like she can really rely on me and before she’ll be ready to tell our daughter that I’m her dad. She said it might take a year before she’s ready to tell her that.
Commenter 1: Good on you dad. I’m not sure why yall don’t want her to know that you’re her dad, but you know your situation better than I do.
I read your first post, and I may have been on the more judgemental side, in any case I’m proud of you. I’m proud to call you a fellow dad. You’re taking this in stride and doing what needs to be done. I see that, the others here see it, but more importantly your daughter and her mom see it.
OOP It’s not that I don’t want her to know. Her mom doesn’t want her to know yet, and I still can’t quite figure out what I’ll say if she asks me directly.
OOP: I don’t think she planned for my involvement in our daughter’s life to be permanent. She didn’t think I’d want that, she’s told me that. I know my daughter living with me full time is almost definitely not permanent, so I’m not looking at it that way. But I want my presence and involvement in her life to be permanent and to have time with her. She didn’t even think I’d say yes to taking our daughter. She doesn’t believe me when I say that I want to stay involved in our daughter’s life, and she seems to be in the mindset that I can’t wait for this to be over and go back to my child free life.
She’s considering moving here, but I’m the only person she knows here. She’s going to quit her job, which seems to be the only stable thing she has right now, to move 3 hours away from everyone she knows because the guy who walked away 4 years ago says she should move here and he’ll help raise her kid? She’s told me she’s scared to leave her job because she has no qualifications and never sees job openings for things she’s qualified in that pay a living wage. I guess her employer has been flexible with her as far as being a single parent goes and she feels like she’s taking a risk leaving.
It’s her ex boyfriend. There’s legal stuff going on with him related to him assaulting her, and he’s threatened both of their lives. They were living with him and it’s his name on everything. But I guess whatever he did to her the last time, she just left with practically none of their belongings. So, she’s scared of him, which is all the more reason to move away from there in my mind. She’s trying to save up money to get her own place to live. She told me she had no savings at all, nothing basically. She’s saying she needs a few more months, but doesn’t know if she can last that long being away from her daughter.
I will be establishing some things legally, like my right to see my daughter and possibly some form of custody. Tbh, going into this I didn’t know that I’d definitely feel this way. In the beginning, it really was a temporary thing for me too, so this is all happening very fast in a way.
Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.
