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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-06-23 04:00:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/angrywidow

My [28F] husband [36M] passed away, and now his “best friend” [33F] is trying to control his services

Thanks to u/PlantQueen1912 for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Loss of a loved one, obsessive behavior, mental health crisis

Original Post March 14, 2015

I’ll try to make this brief. My husband, Jonah, passed away unexpectedly a month ago from a stroke. I don’t want to get specific about that part, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life, and I’m still not sure how I’m ever going to move on.

We were married for 5 years, together for 7. The past 2 years we’ve been trying for a baby, but were just getting to the point of considering IVF when he died.

Jonah had a close friend in high school named Marjorie. Marjorie also ended up going to the same university as he did, and they spent a lot of time together during those college years. Jonah said that he liked Marjorie’s company, but never felt anything beyond friendship with her – which I totally believe.

Jonah dated other women during that period, but told me that several times Marjorie hinted that she wanted him to ask her out. She also “joked” about wanting him to be her “plan B” in case she didn’t meet someone and get married by 30.

By the time I’d started dating Jonah, he had moved a couple hours away from his hometown (and Marjorie). Despite this, Marjorie immediately began finding excuses to come to our town and “hang out” – which usually involved her encouraging us to go drinking, and then her passing out on the couch at Jonah’s apartment. I didn’t mind her for the most part, but she had a habit of saying things like, “you know you ruined our marriage pact, haha!” and pointing out all the things that she knew about him (like what he took in his coffee, his favorite bands, etc).

Over the course of our relationship, and especially after we got married, Jonah definitely put some distance into his relationship with Marjorie. He confided in me that he felt he had “outgrown her” and that they really had little in common anymore. He stopped responding to her invitations to hang out as often, though he would occasionally call to catch up out of guilt (especially when she would text him or leave messages saying she was “so sad he was ignoring her” and the like).

But now he’s gone. I had him cremated, like he wanted. We haven’t done the memorial service yet – it was too hard for me to even imagine the first couple of weeks, and I also wanted to give time for some out-of-state people to make travel plans. The memorial is this weekend.

However, two weeks ago, I received an email from Marjorie – sent to around sixty people, including Jonah’s family – saying that she was holding a memorial service for Jonah in the town where they grew up (the day before his memorial here). I was completely blown away, seeing as she hadn’t mentioned anything to me or even attempted to call. Along with the details, the email said that she was “planning the memorial in light of the fact that no other service had yet been held in his memory, and he deserved to be laid to rest with honor”. For the record, she was invited to the memorial which I’ve been planning, and knew it was happening.

I called her, of course, and told her that while I appreciated her willingness to help with Jonah’s goodbye, I was already planning a service for him that would involve all of his family and friends. She immediately went on the defensive, and said that she had “only started to plan a service when she realized I wasn’t willing to do it in a timely manner”. I told her that the timing wasn’t her choice to make, but that if she wanted to have a memorial of some kind, to please just add on the invitation that his “official” memorial was going to be held this weekend. She said fine.

I sent a message to all of Jonah’s invited friends/family to make sure that they knew the real service with both of our families was going to be here, and then just washed my hands of the whole thing.

This week I received a message on facebook from Jonah’s cousin, saying that Marjorie (who has apparently blocked me on facebook) created an “event” for Jonah’s “official” memorial service (her memorial) and invited everyone she possibly could. I’ve been getting blown up with emails asking which day the memorial is, and where. I’m honestly furious – I don’t have the emotional energy to deal with this.

I ended up putting a post up on my wall, reiterating the date of his service here, and asking people to please share it. Thankfully I think the older members of the family don’t use facebook or email very often, so most of them haven’t been confused, but a lot of people now think that Marjorie’s service is the real one.

I called Marjorie again, asking her to add an addendum to her event saying that his actual memorial was going to be here. She told me that “Jonah would have wanted it this way” and that “if I couldn’t appreciate her efforts, I wasn’t invited to say goodbye to Jonah.” I told her that was fine, seeing as I’d already said goodbye to Jonah when I held him as he died. She hung up.

Apparently she’s now spreading information to her mutual friends with Jonah, saying that he was planning on leaving me because I wasn’t able to conceive. She also said that we had approached her to carry a baby for us – all absolute lies. His cousin sent me a screenshot of a text where she said that “Jonah always thought we would have the cutest baby together” and that “AngryWidow doesn’t understand how much he wants children”.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I don’t care what she says about me, but she’s now tarnishing my husband’s memory – especially saying that he wanted to divorce. Jonah would never have left me, and anyone that knows him at all knows that we were committed to each other above all else.

I need to figure out how to tell this woman to fuck off without encouraging her to spread more lies. And I also want to just forget the whole thing and crawl in bed and never get up again.

Help me, please.

tl;dr: My husband’s former “best friend” is trying to plan his entire memorial service and is tarnishing his memory. How do I get her to stop?

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you must be in right now.

Marjorie sounds completely fucking insane and malicious. If I were in your shoes I’d be very tempted to go scorched earth on her ass, but that wouldn’t be the most constructive approach here. So here’s what I’d do instead:

• Send an email to all of the guests you’ve invited to attend the actual memorial service stating, “Just to reiterate, the service will be held at [location] on [date].” Do not mention Marjorie, her lies, or the second service.
• Contact the funeral home per /u/ThomasBeckett’s suggestion and see what can be done to pull the plug on Marjorie’s service.
• Delete and block this woman on all forms of social media, email, your phone, everywhere.
• UNLESS AND UNTIL somebody comes to you asking about Marjorie’s lies, resist the urge to set the record straight. If you try to publicly address her claims on Facebook or elsewhere, it will almost certainly get back to her and she’ll be even more fueled by the attention and the knowledge that she’s getting under your skin. Cut off her supply by ignoring her.
• If she crosses the line into character assassination against you, contact legal aid.
• Content yourself with the knowledge that if any of Jonah’s and Marjorie’s mutual friends have half a brain, they’ll understand she’s out of her fucking mind or at least being outrageously inappropriate.

EDIT: Almost forgot!

• Do you have a picture of Marjorie? Get one, and deputize someone at the real memorial service to guard the door and refuse her entry should she show up.

Update 1 March 16, 2015 (2 days later)

I apologize for not updating sooner, but a lot happened the last couple of days. Thank you to everyone who offered help and advice. For those that offered monetary assistance, Jonah and I were in a stable position financially – I’m going to be comfortable until I decide to go back to work. Your willingness to help was deeply appreciated, however, and I’m truly bowled over by your kindness.

I took the advice of the majority of comments, and called the chapel where Marjorie was planning her service. I spoke with the pastor, who immediately told me that he had been trying to get in touch with me regarding the service – apparently both Jonah and Marjorie had grown up in that church (I am not religious, and neither was Jonah as an adult). My voicemail has been flooded, so it’s definitely plausible that I overlooked his call.

He immediately expressed how sorry he was to hear of Jonah’s loss, and said he had received my contact info from Jonah’s great-aunt who still attends there. He said he was surprised when Marjorie asked to have a service for Jonah, but she had claimed that Jonah and I were separated and I didn’t want to be involved. He had been trying to follow up with me, but obviously that didn’t happen.

He was very apolo…

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