**I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Sweet-Fun179** **WIBTA - Stepping down from wedding party after being fired as MOH 2 months before the...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-06-23 04:02:01+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Sweet-Fun179

WIBTA - Stepping down from wedding party after being fired as MOH 2 months before the wedding

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Entitlement, talk of breast cancer in the comments

Original Post Apr 10, 2022

Nearly a year ago, my best friend asked me to be her MOH. I was so excited & I said yes & took the task very seriously.

I’ve gone dress shopping with her for her dress, and went shopping with her for bridesmaid dresses as well. I’ve spent hours addressing save the dates with her, kept in contact with her bridesmaids about ordering their dresses/planning jewelry and shoes in the color she wants, I made sure someone could organize her bridal shower because I was out of state for work for 3 months, making sure they understood her wishes for the party. I also personally took the time to look through her decor inspo and saved items on an Amazon list for her to go through so she could look at affordable options she wanted to purchase (which she was very happy about).

I also want to note - I have already planned her bachelorette party & just needed to call and finish the booking process completely as we are a little more than a month out (it’s being hosted in town & a very chill night as she requested).

I travel for work, and I turned down multiple jobs so I would be close for her wedding and events / if she were to need my help planning these last few months. This has resulted in me being out of work for the last 3 months because she was upset I was going to be out of state (there have been NO jobs close enough to home that made sense, as I’d have to drive back home multiple times during my assignment) (but I finally found a job - hooray!). I literally rearranged my career just to be close by to help her.

It was a shock to me to receive a very lengthy text this week telling me she was going to have someone else take over as MOH and she was demoting me to a bridesmaid BECAUSE - I told her I may not be able to attend the bridal shower due to work (I could only submit a request for the weekend of her wedding off), I would attend rehearsal but maybe not rehearsal dinner because I was under the impression I had to pay for dinner myself & it was at a very expensive restaurant, AND because I cannot currently afford to get my nails done the day before the wedding, and I told her I likely won’t be attending that event either. (Finances are tight with a new house, personal wedding planning, and a baby on the way). She also feels I haven’t communicated with her enough, even though I check in at least once a month asking if she needs me. I always end these convos with telling her she should reach out if something comes up. Also, apparently my texts don’t come off as being “excited for her”, which makes her mad. I guess she feels like I don’t want to be involved at all because of these few things, thus her stripping me of the position after I’ve done all this work.

This text also came right after I asked if we could have a back up learn how to bustle her dress in case my pregnant belly doesn’t allow me to bend and squat very well to do it on the wedding day. Apparently it “saddened her” that I even asked.

She said she needs someone who will be there for all events physically to “support her”. I feel pretty bummed and disrespected right now, as if nothing I did mattered.

I am considering stepping down completely after this. WIBTA doing so??

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

tuttkraftverk

Wow, massive NTA. You’ve gone out of your way for this person, who you thought was your best friend, and she pissed all over you when you couldn’t put 100 % of your own life completely on hold to wait on her hand and foot. You are not the AH and I would seriously reconsider whether this is even a friendship. If it were me, I wouldn’t go to the wedding at all.

Lurker_the_Pip

Uhhhh… why should you even attend the wedding at this point?!?

She is basically crapping on all of your contributions and effort.

Would it not be best to cut your losses and dump the wedding and friend?

NTA

UPDATE: I sent a text last night that outlined essentially everything I’ve done listed here in this post & I expressed how hurt / disrespected I felt. I told her what I felt a MOH is & that I felt this was wasn’t it… that it’s all basically transactional & based on what more I could offer her. I also included the fact that she hasn’t personally communicated with me much either lately about the wedding or my personal life. I politely let her know I’d be stepping down. Sent over 8 hours ago with no response as of yet.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

I want to cry from all of these responses, thank you all so much. I feel validated in my thoughts and my decision.

I thought I was maybe being too hormonal & making a rash choice, but this thread helped solidify everything for me.

theresbeans

Before you do anything, I strongly recommend that you carefully consider whether or not you want to retain this relationship. If you step down, you are very likely going to end your friendship. Alternatively, you could try to have an open and honest conversation with her about how you feel/what you’ve done, and go from there. A lot of the time, these things are mere misunderstandings that can be resolved with clear communication.

OOP

That is very true! I do want to note I did try to have a conversation about this prior, where she still ended the conversation saying she would be talking to the replacement MOH. I also sent yet another message regarding finances and the events / why I had said no to attending (because when I said probably not in the group messages, she didn’t care enough to ask me personally why - just enough to get mad about it). She didn’t respond to the one about finances in over 24 hours.

Update May 3, 2022 (1 month later)

Thank you all so much for the kind comments and support! I felt validated in my decision to ultimately step down from the wedding overall. It was good to hear from others that I wasn’t overreacting & being hormonal lol.

The update is kind of boring, but an update nonetheless because a couple commenters asked for one! Sorry it took so long!!

I sent a long text to my friend two days after my original post. The text was outlining everything I’ve done for her & why I felt disrespected in her decision to demote me from MOH so close to the wedding date. I also was sure to tell her I’ve lost a lot financially in trying to be a good friend and stay close for her wedding and events like she had wanted. I ended the message telling her I still want her to enjoy her day & I don’t want it to full of any drama or bitterness, so I felt it best that I step down from it all.

It took two full days for her to respond.

We went back and forth quite a bit with her telling me the additional reasons for demoting me were I hadn’t been texting her enough and asking her about her personal life / I wasn’t “excited enough” in my messages about the wedding, etc. Essentially, she felt I was more concerned with my own life currently (pregnancy & finding a job) than I was with her wedding.

There were a lot of “pity me” messages from her & after reiterating that I no longer wanted to be in the wedding at all, I stopped replying. I haven’t heard from her in over 3 weeks. I’ve returned my bridesmaid dress & I feel so at peace with my decision. I don’t think I’ll be attending the wedding at all.

Thank you for all the well wishes for my pregnancy & baby as well! We found out last week it’s a boy 🥰 I also start my new job this week, so time to get my finances back on track & try to fix the mess that has been created in that area before baby is here.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Editors Note: I wanted to add this comment from a redditor who went through the same thing

TheTrapMarilyn

You know how when someone tells their story, they liberate others in the process? YOU DONE DID IT for me, and I cannot thank you enough!!! I could give you the biggest hug right now. I’ve spent time so mad and blaming myself over my situation. Like you, I was demoted as a MOH back in 2016 three months prior to the wedding, flipped my shit and quit. I carried so much guilt while wondering if I have been the asshole this entire time. No more! If she reads this, she’ll know it’s me and that’s okay - I’ve protected her for too long, so it’s time to let the choppa sing.

For starters, I am sorry you had to go through this and find out your friend wasn’t such a friend after all. It is a deep, deep wounding to have your trust in a person violated over something as ridiculous as a wedding. May the pain result in better discernment and connections in the future 🥂 .

Here’s what happened: I lived across the country (US) for six years at the time my best friend of 13 years got engaged and we were thrilled! We talked about having small weddings and how over the top they could be. She only wanted one maid of honor an…

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  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    2 days ago

    Here’s what happened: I lived across the country (US) for six years at the time my best friend of 13 years got engaged and we were thrilled! We talked about having small weddings and how over the top they could be. She only wanted one maid of honor and one best man. Three months later, I was diagnosed out of nowhere with stage two breast cancer which required aggressive surgery and chemo. I was only 29, and she came out for a few days for the first surgery but had never flown out “just because,” while I had gone home plenty. That should’ve been my first warning!

    Throughout treatment and the fear/chaos that comes with it, I continued to help her plan the big day while working full-time, even as she began making the wedding party bigger with people who couldn’t afford to help out. I flew out and paid for half of her wedding dress as a thank-you for helping me after surgery. I stood up for her fiancé when his brother/best man didn’t want to spend an additional $70 on the bachelor party while making six figures and living high on the hog.

    Three months prior to the big day, she opted to demote me after the bridal shower I flew in for wasn’t up to her standards, yet her dysfunctional family was mostly responsible for lazily putting it together and didn’t help me with games, which would’ve been nice since the chemo brain was horrendous (and I smoked on top of it to help with nausea). The venue they selected was a white trash mecca, and despite spending an entire day Photoshopping a bomb invitation for it, she opted for the ones with Comic Sans font (I SWEAR IT!!). I was “too late” getting it to her, even though I delivered while suddenly moving due to an existing bed bug problem in my “new beginnings” apartment the complex failed to mention. She actually laughed at my misfortune.

    While demoting me AT A RESTAURANT, I needed, in her words, to “let my cancer go.” The last surgery was only six months prior! As I bawled my eyes out, she chastised me for moving away in 2008 (the mountains “looked like poop,” she said), for quitting my job (gee, I wonder why?), and for being my proverbial “punching bag” (I got mad at her once for making fun of me when I was expressed being tired of wearing yoga pants from BEING STUCK IN BED AFTER CHOPPING OFF MY TITS AND GETTING CHEMO). I thought friends supported one another during the word times of their lives?

    After going home, I completely lost my shit on her and dropped out of the wedding. Until today, I have felt like the bad friend for taking up space, for causing drama, for expressing anger. You’ve made me realize it is okay for our lives to happen, and some people are just so, so selfish! Besides, where is her happiness about your bundle of joy?

    Hopefully my situation will diminish your guilt the way you diminished mine. You are a kind, considerate friend and I wish you the best of luck! Sometimes, the trash takes itself out to let the treasures in 💁🏼‍♀️✨.

    EDIT: My first-ever gold, wow, thank you!!! 🤟✨.

    TL/DR: Same situation as OP but with cancer, fucked-up shit that ruined the friendship, guilt be gone!

    OOP

    You are so so sweet 🥺 I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much thus far in your life. I can’t imagine how hard those situations were! It sounds like you handled them all with Grace and in the best manner that you could.

    Thank you for sharing this with me. It sucks that other people have gone through similar events, but it’s always nice to know I’m not alone & didn’t do anything wrong.

    I’m so glad this thread could help you get rid of the guilt you’ve carried! Your “friend” sounds awful & you deserved so much better than that. I hope you now find yourself surrounded by kind, loving people 💛.

    TheTrapMarilyn

    Thank you, thank you, fellow demotee for your kind words ☺️ Once the focus had to be redirected, other friendships ended as well. It has been a hard adjustment feeling like a completely different person and extending grace inward while navigating this new territory. The feeling of letting others down is daunting, but we can’t make everyone happy!

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